CharlieSunrise's Journal

Today was a good day.

By way of background, I'm an attorney who just started my own solo practice. We call that "hanging out your shingle" in the biz.. I've had a really tough time getting over my last job. A year ago I left a really good law firm to join my mentor when she established her own practice. I also turned down a very flattering offer from another really good firm in town to join her. I joined my mentor because she promised to continue mentoring me. She also promised that I would be treated much better than I had been treated at the bigger firm, almost "like I was family." I believed her.

I started struggling with depression and anxiety last October. I think it was triggered by the stress and pressure I felt trying to generate income and help keep the new Firm afloat. I asked my mentor, who has a lot more experience than I, for advice. She never responded. In all fairness, I think she was just as busy and stressed as I was. She does have more experience than I do in this profession, but this was the first time that she was under the shelter of a large, well established firm. Establishing a new firm is really stressfull, so we were both in the middle of it.

Income for the firm began to level out and become more reliable in winter. By then the doors had been open for six months and things were looking up. I was a big part of that success. However, it seemed to me that my mentor started changing her opinion about me and the quality of my work. Her husband, who was also a managing partner of the new firm didn't seem to like me either because I had not made enough money for the Firm (in his opinion). During this time, I also got elected to office for the first time and I was trying to learn everything I could about my new position. I don't think my mentor, who didn't get re-elected to an office she held for a longtime, appreciated my new position, or the time it took from my job. I tried to compensate by working days, nights and evenings around my new office. That meant that I was putting in 60-80 weeks and not getting a lot of sleep. The criticism I was receiving at work, the lack of sleep and the stress of keeping myself together started to compound. I started having anxiety attacks and I teared up easily. 

My birthday was the last straw. My boss and everyone else at the office (8 people) and most of my family forgot about it too. I turned 30, which is a prett monumental birthday, so that made it tougher. I was also out of town, so I spent most of it on an airplane. When I returned from my trip, my boss apologized from missing my birthday and offered to take me to lunch on Friday. That lifted my spirit, but on Friday, minutes before we were going to leave, she cancelled because she said she didn't have time to take me out. She went out to lunch with several of her friends in the coming weeks, but never rescheduled.

It was then that my mental health really started to detioriate.  My voice went flat, I was tired all of the time and I had no energy, I wasn't sleeping well, I couldn't contentrate, I kept fighting a cold, I was eating and my work wasn't the kind of quality that I expect from myself. I also started thinking about suicide. In April, my mentor, who has a background in counseling, asked if it was depression. She gave me the number of a psychologist in town.

With shaking hands, I made the call. I was diagnosed with clincial depression and anxiety. My pschologist referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed Cymbalta. I started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I felt a lot better in May. However, my work situation did not improve. Despite my efforts, improved attitude and hard work, the criticism continued. At one point my mentor told me that she no longer trusted my research skills. However, she took several vacations in June and July and while she was gone her caseload as well as that of her husband's was dropped on my shoulders. I had to basically clear my schedule when they left town. Unfortunatley, that wasn't possible because I was still really busy and my caseload had increased to nearly double there's. My own cases required attention. On top of that, when she was out of town, my mentor refused to answer my calls on the rare occasion that I was desparate for help on her cases and didn't thank me when she returned. I felt isolated and alone.

It was then that I started crying at uncontrollably at work. I would shut the door because cold tears would stream uncomtrollably down my face all day. I couldn't make them stop and I was too embarresed to let anyone see me. I also started to process their criticism through my own negative filter. I began missing appointments and coming in later and later. My mentor and her husband became controlling and even more critical. They refused to talk to me about my  health and I could sense that I was about to be fired. My fears were confirmed when I came across and e-mail from my mentor to her husband from back in February where she e-mailed him that she was ready to let me go. I was completely devastated and frustrated that she would fire me despite my loyalty to her( I should mention that she had been fired from the same firm we had worked together at).

After a missed appointment, they came into my office and confronted (my psychologist says "attacked") me about missing the appointment. I explained my recent diagnosis as well as my efforts to improve both my work and my mental health. I begged them for their patience and understanding and asked them not to fire me. My mentor responded that depression "is not an excuse." And referred to my disclosure (which was really tough) as my "mental health issues." I wasn't trying to use it as an excuse, I was just trying to explain that the depressed me was not the real me and I wasn't 100%. I thought she would be understanding given her background. I thought that I was supposed to be treated better at this firm. It had become apparent that they saw me only as their hired help and my mental health and personal well being was inconvenient for them. 

After their two week vacation in July in which I covered for them with no direction at all on their cases, they returned. Shortly after, they ordered me to take two weeks off (my first vacation in a year). When I inquired, they refused to say whether I'd have a job when I returned. Shortly before I was to return, they informed me that I wasn't going to come back. This, I guess, was their way of making me go quietly. I convinced one of the other attorney's (the cousin of my mentor) to persuade them to allow me two weeks to wrap up my practice. They reluctantly agreed, but one week later (just before leaving for another vacation) told me that Friday would be my last day.

I felt abandoned. I tried to pick up the pieces of my career, my ego and my pride and start my own practice. I did so knowing that I was going to have to struggle with my clincial depression at the same time. Filing for unemployment or disabilty was not an option as this is a very small legal community. I cashed out my tiny 401(k) and found an office that I felt comfortable in. Almost all of my cases went with me. My clients were incredibly supportive. It makes my cry sometimes to remember how great they were and are. My psychologist and psychiatrist were and continue to be incredibly supportive and promised that my establishing my own practice and leaving the dysfunction of the old firm was a really good thing that would help my depression go into remission. Both of them told me stories about leaving bad situations and going off on their own. Their success helped me believe that I too would be happy and successful.

Now, a month after I left the old firm, I finally feel like I have my feet on the ground again. The phone and fax machine are now hooked up. All of my clients now know where my office is and visit me. The tenants of the office suites around mine are very friendly and encouraging as are the other solo attorneys in town. Money is tight, but I'm busy with work and today I was finally able to concentrate well enough to research and draft a brief in response to a motion filed in one of my cases. At one point today, I stopped and realized that I was finally back on (as in pre-October).

I know that I'm not 100% better and I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I'm going to make it and it's going to be okay, maybe even better then before. I think I will be a smarter and more confident person for having made it through the events of the past year. Also, I do want to find it in my heart to forgive my mentor for treating me in the way that she did. Afterall, she made me a FIGHTER.