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CharlieSunrise 
1:15am, October 23, 2009
Today was a rough day. My pendeleum swings wildly from anxiety to deep depression and back. I can't seem to find a balance. I've had really good days lately where I feel like everything is better now. Then, I'll wake up the next day and be in a funk. There's no telling when those bad days are going to happen and why. It's really easy to get frustrating, but I've made a promise to myself that giving up is not an option.
I have been having a difficult time getting to sleep at night and, when I do sleep, I have a tough time getting out of bed in the morning. I just opened my own business, so I'm relying on myself to do all of the work. So, when I sleep too late, I get annoyed with myself and then worried that I won't be able to pay the bills. That anxiety turns into depression when the negative thoughts (like blaming myself for getting into this situation in the first place) start kicking in. I'm doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with my psychologist and it is working, but sometimes it's tough to stop those negative thoughts and turn them around. Sometimes, I'm exhausted from the effort. I just want to go back to being the person I was before the depression started.
Except, in reflecting back on my life, I'm realizing that while this may be the most difficult episode of depression I've experienced, I've had other episodes in my life starting from my childhood. Some experts don't connect sexual abuse and clincial depression together. I don't care what the experts think, I believe there's a link. As a survivor of sexual abuse when I was six, I know that that experience had a really negative effect on my self confidence and my perception of control in my life. I remember periods of time when I felt isolated and alone while I was in high school. I used to carry comic books, crayons and little things that made me laugh in my bag to cheer me up. I also had similar experiences following college and law school and during my year of unemployment. It's back again, this time with a vengence, and I'm determined to fight it and learn effective ways of coping with the depression. I seems that I can't obtain all of this knowledge fast enough. I know I have to have patience! *sigh* But, it's tougher than it looks.
The new medication that my psychiatrist has prescribed, in addition to Cymbalta, is Trazodone. It's supposed to make me sleepy. It does that for sure. The first night, I was instructed to take half of a pill (25 mg), unless I felt it wasn't working and, if so, then the other half. I became impatient after an hour and took the other half. I woke up at 10:30 the following day.
Sleep has made me feel better and the Trazodone is helping me work on my wake/sleep cycle, but I still just want everything to hurry up and get back to normal. I've felt like this for a year now (I wasn't diagnosed and treated until April) and it's hard to stay optimistic. I'm trying though...
-Charlie
Comments
You will get there.I promise you.My doctor has me starting Cymbalta tomorrow when I head back to work after four weeks of deep depression.Anything I need to know,side effects wise? I have weird dreams right now going off the other meds and my body feels like in vibration mode.I'm so nervous about tomorrow ugh!!! I have to do it.
michjoy
egmich, it took about a week for the Cymbalta to kick in. My psychiatrist started me on 30mg and then we went up to 60mg. Within two weeks I saw a difference. Cymbalta is not a happy pill, but it seems to help me. I lost the flat effect, the lack of energy, the hopelessness and the general negative attitude.
I was really concerned about the side effects. I would caution you not to believe everything you read on the internet. I did. I also read the pamphlet from front to back. It's all scary stuff. My psychiatrist kept saying that the results are different for everyone. Fortunately, I haven't seen any real side effects. I think my dreams are a little more vivid than before, but that's about it. I was really concerned about the reported "brain zaps" that you supposedly get if you stop taking it. I have missed a couple of pills, but I haven't experienced that type of side effect either. The only side effect that is really annoying is the $130 for 30 pill price tag. I've been taking Cymbalta since May and it really cuts into my budget. My psychiatrist was also careful to monitor my thoughts of suicide as well as my blood pressure. I found the blood pressure thing odd, since I have relatively low blood pressure, but my thoughts of suicide didn't increase at all.
I have heard that over time Cymbalta stops working. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but it does seem that the initial benefits do diminish over time. That may be because I'm doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in addition to the Cymbalta, and I think there are some setbacks and frustration in trying to undo some of my negative behavior patterns. I'm not sure.
I was nervous too. I think you'll be okay. Just listen to your body and please keep checking at DS; I'd like to hear what your experience is like! Thank you for reading my journal. Take care!
CharlieSunrise
I agree about the connection between sexual abuse and depression.
terrys
Hi CharlieSunrise, I read your journal entry and think it's brave of you to try a different medication. I always start crying when I see the cymbalta commercial, especially with the dog who is staying close to it's owner and seems depressed too. My cat acts that way too and then I become scared that something will happen to him that I wouldn't survive. But then they show the aftermath of taking it and the guy is walking his dog. I feel better today than I have felt in a long time. I didn't cry once. Yea! My cat, Peewee is in every room I go into. Speaking of dreams -- all of mine seem to be nightmares about being tortured and not being able to find my way home. My past therapies have left me with the feeling that no one can help me because I always seemed to be in a crisis and wasn't able to focus on an area, like my anger, or breaking the cycle of looking for approval from others. I always seem to get angry at my therapist and then don't want to see him/her again. It's hard for me to accept a therapist's boundaries and I end up pushing and then feeling hurt and then angry when they say something that feels like a personal attack or invalidation. I can also relate to budget problems. I have Medicare, part D, and the company my father signed me up for doesn't pay for my Nexium. If I don't take it, I feel like I'm burning up alive in my esophagus. They want past medical charts and I moved back to NY from CT and didn't have my records transferred because I had to get out of Connecticut very quickly after getting caught calling in a prescription. The doctor held a big meeting with other staff and my parents and told them that I'd go to prison if they didn't take me home. It all seems like a haze to me, like it wasn't real. I'm working on quitting cigarettes, which make the acid reflux worse and swtiched mostly to decaf for the same reason, as well as decreasing my anxiety. I also take Trazadone and another medication called Rozerem for sleep. Speaking of which, I am exhausted and need to get ready for bed. Thanks for writing!
piperp3
piperp3, I never noticed the dog in the Cymbalta commercial. I'll have to pay attention next time I see it! Thanks for reading my journal!
CharlieSunrise
Believe it or not emotions and things will get better stop killing yourself with wanting more and learn to accept the things you have im sure you will find happiness when you find the idol in your life
twentyfootsurf