CharlieSunrise's Journal

I guess it's come to this. I've now lost complete control over the most important thing: my mind. It's scary when you can't trust yourself. I feel like that sometimes. I know that going through this depression and learning how to cope can only make me stronger, but what if I don't make it through this? What if I lose?

I've asked myself that question a lot lately. What motivates me? What is my reason for living? Yikes! That's not a question I want to think to deeply about. When I take stock, I don't have much to show for the last 30 years. I'm not close to my family, nor do I think closeness is possible, especially with my parents. I only have one or two really close friends, but they're off living their own lives. They don't have time to scope me up off the floor. I have a lot of people that I just know. People that I work with or people who know me, but everytime I reach out to them and try to make them more, they do something to push me away. I feel mostly like an outsider. I just want to fit in somewhere. 

Up until now, I've been motivated by a desire to make something of myself. I did that. I was a straight "A" student, an athlete and a journalist. I went to a good college, graduated and went on to law school. I graduated from law school, then tax law school and then I passed three bar exams. I'm now licensed in three states. I had a good job, moved to another and now I've opened my own practice. I always wanted to run for office, and now I'm an elected official. What more could I want except something more.

I guess I could want to get married, buy a house, have a kid, a nicer car maybe retirement... Nothing seems to fit. I don't know what I want. Maybe that's why I can't stop crying and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I have everything I ever wanted and it's still not enough. What now?