Journal

I am writing for others to read and maybe understand where i'm coming from and also maybe someone will read this and relate and be able to get help from this or help me. Also I find writing about your expieriences helps yoou understand yourself others involved andit can be very therapeutic. So this is my story. My parents met as teenagers and had a sort of secret relationship hiding it from my mothers abusive father. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 17 years old. She ran away from her father the day he was forcing her to give me up for adoption. She went to stay with her mother and my dad went into the army.  He came back when I was about 2 years old and they got an apartment. My dad was into partying and the relationship was on and off for a while. When I was 3 years old there was an accident. I was playing outside and another boy threw a shower tile at me and it hit me and poked a hole threw my eye. I was rushed to Boston and after nemerous surgeries they were able to save my eye but not my sight. My mom took excellent care of my traveling to doctors appointments and making sure I had the best medical care. My dad was still into partying smoking weed and sometimes heroin.  Things got better though my dad got a good job my parents had another baby girl and things were pretty normal.  Unfortunatly not for long. My dad started using heroin heavily and had plenty of money to do so seeing how my parents got a huge lawsuit from my eye injury. It was very disturbing as a child to know your dads a drug addict. He was in and out of rehab and my parents were always fighting. Finally I started to see my mom go downhill too. She was depressed all the time and finally she too started using. I think sometimes that she just wanted to see what was so great about it. I know that's no excuse but it's the truth.  She very quickly realized she had a problem and got help. She and my dad got on the methadone clinic . For a long time they did pretty good. There was always times they would go on a using binge then stop again. Then for a while there didn't use at all. My mom started to seem bored with her life and she turned to n.a. meetings. At  a meeting she met a friend a man. He had asked her to hjoin him for breakfast after the meeting and she told him she had to ask her husband if he would mind. She did ask my dad and he said yes. She started to go to breakfast with this man on a weekly basis. My life at this point was going great. My parents seemed to be doing good,I had great friends, and I had just met a boy that I has falling inlove with. I was 13 years old and living a great life. Until one day my da came to me when we were alone. He was upset . He told me he suspected my mother was having an affair with a man from the meeting. He asked her to stop seeing this man and she refused to saying he was only a friend. This started to become a ritual for us everyday when my mom would go out he would call me in and just cry. He told me I was the only one he had to talk to and he neede me to be there for him and i was. I hated it. For so many reasons, I'm not a cold person I hated seeing my dad in pain. I aslo hated it though because it was interferring inmy life , Which at thirteen is so important to you. I just wanted him to leave me alone. Then one day he came to and said your mother admitted that she has feelings for this man and she wants to seperate. He was devastated and so was I. Why was she doing this. My dad wasn't a great husband as a matter of fact he was a bad husband for most of the marraige but why now ?why when things were finally going good? I geuss it all just caught up to him and he knew that but didn't know how to handle. That was when life as I knew it was about to change forever. Finaly the day came when my dad was leaving i had to pretend to my mom and my lil sister and everyone that this was a shock to me even though i knew this day had been coming for quite some time. My dad had asked me to leave with him but I couldn't leave my mom. my dad and i had such a nothing relationship up until this point and my momo had always been there for me she would have been devasted if I had said I wanted to live with my dad. He got a studio apartment and my sister went with him on his firstnight there. My mom on the other hand had her "friend" over the first night he was gone. I remember being so mad at her . I could understand that my dad was not making her happy at times i used to wish he wouod go away because he was so mean sometimes but didn't she think about how I would feel about her having a man over the first night my father left? Things just go worst from there  this guy never left he moved right in to our house and thought he was going to take over. My dad started seriously using again. There were times that we would get dropped off at his house for visitation and he wouldn't even know who we were. He would leave and come back at 2or3 in the morning and i would wake up to him sobbing and have to comfort him. He used to tell me how he wanted to die. He told me if he had a gun he would kill my moms friend and then kill himself. I didn't know how to handle theese situations but i would just lay with him and cry too and tell him I would always be there. At home with my mom rules were starting to change and this guy was starting to ruin my life. At first he tried buying  me giving me things and money but then I sarted to realize he wanted to get rid of me or something. He would come up with theese lies like saying he found a pregnancy test in the trash wich was such a lie because i was a virgin and so were all my friends. That story was just because (even though it wasn't the smartest choice) my parents used to let me sleep over my boyfriends house and let him sleep at my house. but he said that couldn't happen anymore. I started spending more time at my dads because he would let my boyfriend sleep over until my mom started telling him that had to stop too. They were ruining my life. When I was home  my mom was out all the time with he new boyfriend living her new life while I was stuck babysitting my eight year old sister all of the time. When I was at my dads he would always leave me to babysit too he had met a girl so he would go see her and then come home all high and crying and I would console him. My whole life changed in just a few months and I hated it. Soon this girl and i mean girl she was 19 moved in with my dad who was 31. She was very weird. She would tell me and my sister stories about her 2 kids that she gave up in puerto rico and she told me a story about how she had a husband that was in jail that she stabbed so badly that he almost died and she was very proud of it.  One night while she was in the bathroom my dad called me over and asked me what i thought about her I wanted to tell him I didn't like her but I didn't want to hurt his feelings I said" she's alright" he said  "she's a little weird huh" I shook my head yes and then we noticed her standing there. She started to yell " you pig how could yoou?" my dad and i were confused she picked a big heavy glass ash tray and hit him over the head with it. "how could you do that with your daughter you pig?" We were so confused she acted liked she caught him molesting me or something. I really started to worry about my dad after that. I had no one but my friends and my boyfriend . My parents were to wrapped up in there own lives to care about me or my sister. We spent most of our time at my boyfriends house. His parents were really nice christian people and I think they felt bad for us. They had 2 younger boys my sisters age so she would sleep over all the time and so would I. I loved it there probably because I felt accepted and felt like I was a part of a real family. This just made me fall so much more in love with this boy. We were together all the time and his family loved me and I loved them. I was so convinced that someday we would get married and my life would always be happy as long as he was in it. summer had ended and school was back in and we did have to spend less time together as we could only sleep over on weekends now. My mom got evicted from our apartment and me, my sister,her and her boyfriend all were living in a room. Iwasn't allowed to have friends over or go out because kids wern't supposed to live there. they thought I was going to come home at 5 o clock and be locked in a room with them. I couldn't do it I couldn't live there. so I ran away. I called my dad and told him Ihad a bag of stuff and i wanted to go live with him he said he offered for me to live with him but now she lived there and there was no room for me.  I called my boyfriends house because it was starting to get dark and his mom told me he was staying at his grandmothers for a couple of days but I could stay there until I figurd out where I was going to go. I did and I called my grandmother and told her the situation and she said I could stay with her she had a spare room. Things were o.k. there . she had more rules than I was used to but it was good for me. I was spending most of my time with my friends and boyfriend and little time with either one of my parents. I used to worry about my sister and i missed her.  I wasn't used to being away from her. I wished so much She could live with us but I knew my grandmother would never take her she didn't have to take care of me and she would have to take care of her. She still got to spend time at my boyfriends on the weekends so sometimes I would see her there. one day i got some tragic news my mom came to my grandmas house and told me my dads father had lost his battle with lung cancer. I was very upset . I knew my dad was going to be devastated. He had been telling me my vavu (portuguese for grandpa) wasn't doing well. He wanted me to go stay at his house on the weekends and go visit my vavu. I kept blowing off are visitations because that weird girl was there and plus the weekends was my only time to sleep over my boyfriends. My mom aked me if I wanted to go tothe funeral I said no. I had never been to a funeral and i didn't want to go. She told me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. The day of the funeral my dad stopped by my grandmothers house. He beeped his horn and I ran down. I gave him a hug as he was visibly upset. He told me he was mad at me . He said he was mad that I didn't go visit my vavu before he died and he was very disappointed in me that I didn't go to the funeral. I started to cry. That weird gril looked atme from the passenger seat with a kind of smirk on her face. Finally he gave me a hug and said he had to go. He said "i love you" I said "I love you too" 2 days later it was friday and i was standing at my class room door watching the clock waiting for the bell to ring. I was excited because when that bell rang I would be free for a week free to be with my boyfriend it was spring vacation and i would have no school for a whole week and I could sleep at his house and be happy. I left school and I was walking to my friends house when I heard someone call my name I turned around and it was my mom and her boyfriend . shit I dropped my cigarette I could tell by the look on her face that she saw it though because she looked pissed. I told my friend I would hopefully catch up if I wasn't in to much trouble. I walked over to them he gave her a hug and walked away. I was confused now I new something else was going on it wasn't the cigarette she was mad about. I quickly tried to think of what it could be suddenly i thought oh my god where's my sister. I looked at moms face I could tell she had been crying. i asked where my sister was she said she was at my grandmothers what a releif. She held my hand and said she had something to tell me my heart started to beat fast she looked me in the eyes and said " Daddy's dead" At that moment i lost control of myself i couldn't hear, i couldn't stand and as i fell to the ground screamin " no , no ,Noooo" my mind began to race and memories flashed and i wondered how did he overdose?, did that weirdo do something?, or did he take his own life? I asked my mom how and got an annswer i wasn't expecting " aheart attack" she ssaid I thought that sounded odd because he was so young but I thought I geuss that's what drugs can do. She then said" ok now stop crying because now I have to go tell your sister" I couldn't stop crying my dad was gone and as we walked up my grandmother driveway all I could think about was 2 days ago and how disappointed he was in me and how i'd been blowing him off and how he told me he wanted to die and how this was all my fault. To be continued.......