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Auzgurl 
7:40pm, September 21, 2009
4th Sept
This is a first for me, the first time i am laying my whole life out there. I hope that it can lead me to change and i will find daily strength every day.
I am a gambler, wow that is weird, well at least a part of me is. A part of me loves to gamble away time and energy every day if resources would allow into poker machines. This part of me loves the thrill of wondering how much i will win and the great feeling it gives me.
I am also a loser...i have lost money, time and respect for myself. The part of me that gambles i hate. I am in despair at times after huge loses. I feel guilty all the time, am not sleeping am not making friends and am incredibly lonely
I am a mother, i have three beautiful children who i adore. They are my life and i love to provide good lives for them. I love seeing them excell in their special talents, I love cuddling them, listening to their needs, and enjoying time with them...
I am a wife with a wonderful husband. We have had our moments in our 19 years of marriage but our lives are good. He knows i have had a problem with gambling in the past. He trusts me or tries to and doesn't question the finances. He lets me do everything to do with the money...in some ways i wish he wouldn't. Somedays i would just like every responsiblity to be taken away from me and just hide somewhere for a while. I know i have let him down
I am a daughter ...of a mum who gambles, it seems to be our only point of reference. Mum introduced me to gambling and before i moved away we would spend our days together gambling, thinking we were having fun...wasting the hours. My parents are now in NZ , i am here. i now gamble on my own and miss the opportunites i could have with them in their later years.
I am a friend...a good friend to those who know me well. I love to have fun, shop, coffees, just listen. My friends who i rely on are also in NZ many miles away. I feel thedays are empty without hearing from people on the phone. I miss the contact with others.
I am a good worker. i have worked over the past 6 months 3 - 4 days a week but have stopped over the last little while. This makes me sad as I enjoyed the experience. I am nervous about getting involved back into the work force as there is a part of me that enjoys being a Mum at home. I have become so addicted once again to the machines that I am scared not to be busy with my time. i can't sit still very well and always seem to be on the go. i need to feel as though I have achieved for the day even if it's the housework.
I do feel that i can stop gambling. I don't know if yesterday was my last day. I want it to be.
Comments
Welcome to Daily Strength,you are in the right place.Here you will meet kind caring people, people just like yourself, who understand you and what you are going through. You are not alone any longer. Gambling addiction is a terrible thing, but you ARE going to be ok. Keep coming back here, read our journals, join our discussions, you are one of our family now, and we are so glad to have you with us. I am adding you to my friends list, if you like, until you get to know some of the other ladies here, which isn't going to take long. Today, you showed great courage, in reaching out to strangers, and asking for a hand. We will not let you down. We have been there also.
eastwester
Hi there, I'm Stacy, and although I do not gamble I can relate to what you said about making friends. I moved from Pennsylvania, USA to Florida, USA and I never relized how different personalities were in different areas until I tried to make good friends, I thought it would be easy to relate to people, but I was wrong it's like being in a whole different world here. I just keep to myself and talk to all my old friends from PA online and on the phone, it's what keeps me goin. But it also makes me miss them more and want to be there! Triggering my depression. It's a terrible cycle! But enough about that, your in a great place here and you will make alot of good friends who care!!
sjcig
You made the biggest step, in admitting that you have a problem. Now you have to learn to live one day at a time, 5 minutes at a time, whatever it takes to get thru the present day without gambling. This is a hard road to travel, but the rewards that we reap along the way, make the journey all the more worth it. this is a very isolating, and lonely addiction, but you are going to be okay. We're gonna be right there with you every step of the way. come here often, read back thru some of the other members journals from beginning to present, you will see some amazing transformations, get your feelings out in your journal, doesn't matter if they are good bad or indifferent. we are here to love you til you can learn to love yourself, pick you up when you are down, and give you our strength, hope, and encouragement, all without judgment. We've been where you are, so we know how it feels. We are all human, and we need each other, so welcome to our family.
hugs and love to you
Danya
Makmarie
Welcome to the family or as some of us like to call it the "herd". You know the old saying saftey in numbers.... well that is what you'll get here, not only safety for the ones that don't understand the addiction but you will get the love. help and support you will need to move on in your recovery. Like everyone else suggested, feel free to read our journals. We incourage you to write journals. Write them as often as you want or can. You're among friends now. We're here to help! Peace and Love. Patty
mrsfroggie
Wow, we are so much alike. I have 3 children (20,19,10) Plus(2,3)Grandbabies. I think the thing that stands out the strongest is the Husband thing. I met him at 18 in the Navy and been with him ever since. I think this is one of my main struggles!!!! He trusts me to the (t) He has given me total control of the money since day 1.On one hand it is awesome (in the eyes of the addicted) On the other hand dying (inside the eyes of the "want to be" recoverer. My husband wonders why I am so depressed and so distant. He thinks I don't love him. How can you Love and be affectionate to someone you are lying too and destroying. Sometimes I think I'm angry at for him for not knowing and not stopping me. Isn't that crazy!! I'm so glad people tell you to read journals and you have opened this up. So nice to know others can understand a piece of me. Sorry I ramble a lot. Love ya, Gina
ksgirl