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Auzgurl 
7:40pm, September 21, 2009
I love my journey - yes it is full of twists and turns - sometimes highs and sometimes lows but I am thankful that today because I am not lost in addiction I feel everything.
There was a time when I didn't - if it started to get through to heart issues I would lose myself for an hour or two - generally the whole day self medicating in front of a mechanical device that was full of empty promises. Then I could face the world - even though I had only added to the layers of guilt and self loathing.
Today I like me - the new me emerging. I like me.
Sorry to be away so long, my journey has taken a new direction - not that I don't visit but I have only had time to read and pray for those who need it. We all need each other and those prayers.
I am about to hit an anniversary in my recovery. On May 07 2009 I would have been gamble free for 1 year and I plan to celebrate. Although quietly inside my head I will celebrate. What am I celebrating? Freedom, freedom and renewed hope and understanding of me and my world. Thankfulness that I have energy to give and love those around me. - I am thinking outside of myself and I like that.
The journey to recovery is a very self absorbing one, it can be overwhelming - and still is when I think about it. I look at myself and evaluate constantly and can be my own worse critic, but there is goodness, that wasn't present a while ago because it was shrouded in so much confusion. I didn't understand myself or the addiction I was battling. I still find it hard to comprehend at times - thinking of why me and all that but I have realised I don't need to understand my gambling addiction to NOT gamble. The first step for me - understanding - admitting - next step dealing with it - not hiding but confronting it face to face. The next step - reaching out to others lost in addiction - helping them understand that life is worth living. I can't admit to have beaten this addiction but I don't think of gambling all the time anymore. The thoughts come in - when free time allows but they don't linger. They go.
I am pleased to say still going well on the lifestyle changes. I am 20lbs lighter and really enjoying the new me. It is amazing how the weight was in a way connected with everything else. Oh what a journey. I wasn't able to get this till I had some time between my first stage of recovery.
I have also decided on a career change. I am going to be starting a course in Floristry. It starts in May and goes for a year. Just one day a week but will mean that I will be 2/3 to becoming a qualified florist after the course, it is hands on and fun, I hope to get some employment opportunities too as my ultimate goal would be to have a shop of my own -long long term goal. The next step is working which will come -
I have always loved flowers and find myself lost in a florist many a day. It's something so completely different to my academic side and somehow fits me. I am looking forward to my time to bloom!
11 1/2 months into recovery and enjoying the ride!
Hugs to all and thinking of you x Suzi
Comments
Wow Suzi...what wonderful changes in your life. It is so good to see you shining so. Flowers are beautiful, they compliment you well. Enjoy the course....it sounds like a perfect match for you. Congrats on 1 year. The differences we see are fundamentally huge once we are away from the bet for a while. May 7 I will say a toast to you....if only in my head. To watch you struggle so much in the beginning stages to see you flourish in your recovery has been so inspiring for me. Thank you for sharing your path with us. Have a great day :)
purplecat
Wow! Very uplifting journal to read before I turn in for the night. Thanks. I know my recent addiction was not CGing, but it clearly has been co-depenency... allowing myself to be beaten down day after day...
I am looking forward to a new day, a new me, freedom. It will come... I know. Just as with your story and the other stories here I read. Very encouraging. It can be done.
Congratulations to your upcoming anniversary and to your beautiful career choice... flowers, beautiful wonderful flowers. Each amazing in their own way.
Thanks for friendship. Thanks for prayers. {{{hugs to you}}} debs
JordansMomDebby
So you stopped gambling and things improved.........strange, same thing happened to me. (and to a few other people I've met).......lol
Keep up the good work.......you're worth it. Hugs
eastwester
Hi Suzi :) Next, I must send you some cyber-space flowers! You sound great! And look great! Keep up the good work...Love ya', Robin
Moyer
It's so great that you have come to a new place in your journey and you are content within it. Enjoy all the good things kiddo, you have worked hard and deserve to be contented. Oh ya, and 20 lbs what a super accomplishment...good on ya.
Blessings
Mary
serenityseeker
WTG Suzi...almost a year!!! Your je is so positive..life sounds great for you. A career change..how refreshing! May be just what I need LOL. I'm happy for you..you deserve it all. Thanks for being here.
hugs, Brigette
brigrob
Oh wow Suzie you have come such a long way in your like. It is so uplifing for me and gives me so much hope and giving uplift. I am so poud of you. You deseve it all you workes so hard for it. Hugs Melissa
nicky42
You sound very, very good, my friend! I am very proud of you losing that 20 lbs, that is a LOT!!! I am right behind you....LOL....I hope.....LOL....
Going back to school sounds great...hope you really enjoy this outlet for both your creative and business sides...
Big Hugs, Dianne
DianneE
You are running HOT!
Well done.
Good luck on starting your course. I will be in touch after the hols-they have been busy, busy.
x
Alison
alzie2
Suzi,
YOu sound great!!! I am soooo proud of you! Congrat's on 1 year. I took a floral design course, I loved it. never got my license though.
Love ya bunches.
Tessa
TKay
What an encouraging entry! You give me so much courage to contuine my recovery. I remember you when you 1st joined. What a long way you have come!! Keep up the wonderful recovery. The new course sounds wonderful. You and flowers, what else?? Sounds like the perfect match. Peace and Love. Patty
mrsfroggie