Join Now
Auzgurl 
7:40pm, September 21, 2009
Hi friends. Lovely to say that - write it and I know those who read this are.
It's been an interesting start to my week.
I have had some disappointment and some lovely times too. Today I will start with the disappointment as I need to write this down to get it clear in my head.
I went away to NZ recently - while I was there I was able to reconnect with so many of my "oldest" and dearest friends. It was a special time. - I realise the importance and depth of some of these friendships - so easy to lose when I am lost in addiction.
I missed them - I found them again like the prodigal friend.
Here - in Australia it has been difficult for me to make deep friendships. The kids are at an age where they have there own friends and we don't connect with the families like we did when they were young. It changes. When I make a friend I am thankful and I have made a few - still I miss the deeper connection. I thought I was making this with a friend that I had. I shared so much with her and her with me - this week we were talking about a situation wth one of her boys. I am careful there - I know there are areas in any friendship that a taboo - so I trod carefully. I found because I did - because i was cautious and because I didn't want to hurt feelings - it was thrown back in my face. I was quietly told during our time that you can talk to some friends about some things and others for others. I felt as though my friendship with this person was now in a box - the conversation very quickly moved to small talk- I am a talker and can talk about anything but - when it comes down to it - hate small talk.
So - I was hurt, actually extremely hurt. I wanted my "old" friends and just wanted to cry on their shoulders. I was feeling sorry for myself. Just don't want friendships to be so difficult. I know what I do when this happens, I back off and don't want to give as I don't want to get hurt. It's part of the symptom of my addiction - it's what I do.
I was sad, my kids noticed as I was short with them. I talked it through with them without being too disloyal to my friend as they know her too - This was Monday night and my daughter simply said " Mum - you have your meeting tonight- you have friends there" She is right. My Monday night meeting is GA. She doesn't know this but little did she know that this is what I needed to hear. A room full of strangers - who share something that only we can understand - have become my friends. They understand and they listen.
Before I went to the meeting on Monday my Hubby sent me a text - he has been away in Perth all week which probably compounds everything for me. I will share his text below.
"I hope you have a nice time tonight at your meeting love and enjoy helping other people. You inspire lots of people there to do good be being you. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow"
Beautiful words from a wonderful man! Little does he know how much they meant.
I read this just before my meeting - that and the affirmation from my daughter was just the thing I needed. I shared at the meeting. I don't remember much of what I said. There was a new lady at the meeting , who I had welcomed a few moments before, there was also a Mother of one of the young lads who comes, she looked sad- looking for hope. For the first time since I first came to GA 10 months and 1 week ago - I blubbered like a baby. I shared my story about my day - and my children and how they comforted me - but then the txt.
I also shared that the most amazing part is - I come to GA - yes to give- yes to listen - but also they give so much to me in return- every week they teach me. There is such a power in the room.
After I finished everyone was very quiet - sober almost but you know what????
THEY GOT ME! - they listened and they understood. They cried with me - a room full of mostly men and they were sitting there listening with tears in their eyes. I am thankful that I am in recovery - so very thankful. -
Thank you for listening my friends and for being there
Hugs and love to all of you
Suzi
Comments
And I am thankful to be in recovery with wonderful people like you. Your openness and caring never cease to amaze me. Maybe some of your friends can only understand parts of you, but others truly do "get" you, I do hope you have some idea of just how valuable your friendship is to so many.
purplecat
I couldn't agree with Purplecat more... suzi you are a good friend and you have so much to offer- don't ever forget that. It's natural that you were hurt.. but the good thing is you found a way to cope.. in the old days when we were hurt it was our justification to gamble so we would feel good- or so we thought.
You have an amazing family, your children are obviously as caring and sensitive as you are, and your husband.. well he knows he has a wonderful wife and you are very fortunate that he is one who is not afraid to let you know.
Sometimes when I read your journals I wish we lived closer, we could sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and just talk about things.. but since we are continents away.. cyberspace will have to do.
loosenomore
Suzi, I can so relate to your story about the difficulty of building deep friendships. I have some wonderful friends who live far away...and in the years I have lived in California, I made some friends that I enjoyed, but there was not that deep soul connection of my old friends. Having a husband, children, etc. make it difficult to build those special friendships. I would have been hurt as well....hope you feel better.!
DianneE
Over the years, I've seen some amazing moments in these rooms of recovery. Sad, lonely, confused, and desperate people sit at those tables and find true friendship and understanding from a group of people, who they soon learn are just like themselves.
Often, I've told people who come to these rooms and have difficulty with the concept of a "Higher Power" to just keep coming back, keep an open mind, and simply watch. God, I believe, lends an extra hand to the the people here, pays just a bit of extra attention. For here, in these rooms, He knows, are some of his weakest children, who truly need His counsel. Here, in these rooms of recovery, miracles happen.
eastwester
Thank you for sharing, Suzi. We compulsive gamblers sure do have a lot in common. Love you....
Moyer
Suzi,
You have a wonderful family who loves you so much!!! You are a blessing to so many and give so much to many, your true friends see this and know you are special.
Love ya
Tessa
TKay
Suzi,
I appreciate you sharing so honestly. I've never been to a GA meeting, but I am going to find one locally and go. I've been trying to do this on my own and daily strength is a huge help, but I need people to see and talk to directly. Thank you for what you wrote.
Angel
Stopme
You are truly blessed with such a wonderful family! It's true that family support is so essential through any kind of addiction. I've been confronted by so many obstacles for so long, I've forgotten that I am a CG in recovery...I have'nt gambled, so I guess I actually feel normal again. However, I think I do want to look into meetings close by, I think it would be a healthy thing to participate in, to be around others who are like us, sharing and learning with our peers. It can't hurt. You are a true inspiration to all of us, just look at how many friends you have gained on this site alone! You have that thing about you that people find comforting, you are just a good caring soul and that type of trait just shines. I've been away (hiding) for awhile too, but it feels good to re-connect with true friends..that's why I will always come back to DS. Luv ya....Jackie
avellagirl23
I can't help feeling that I am one of those difficult friend relationships that you have.
I do feel extremely bad for that. I do close you out and as you know it is not because I want to but just because of the terrible addiction.
I close you out because I find it easier than having to come to the hard fact that I am a compulsive gambler who is finding it very difficult to stop. I am disgusted by this so I lock myself away. Not just from you but from my husband, family and other friends. I live a lie most of the time and I hate myself for that.
I know you accept me for the way i am , I just have to accept me and let you in, more in depth and more as a true friend. I know you are not my confession box and I in time will recover and let you into my life.I hope you can forgive me as I know you understand me better than anyone. Look after yourself. You deserve great friends and a fantastic life. YOu are so living it and really recovering from your addiction and I am proud of you and you do inspire me. I will be in touch very soon. xxAlison
alzie2
Suzi, I must have been in a daze of my own when you posted this as I missed it. I hope you are doing well. You are a very encouraging person. You reached out to me, the wife of a CG, when I needed a friend.
I thank you. I hope you are doing well today. debs
JordansMomDebby