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Rachel9165 
12:13pm, October 3, 2009
Had a pretty lazy day today.
Woke up around 11- these sleeping pills are magic but I have a bitch of a headache so that might be a side effect.
Went tanning till like 2, i am now slightly tan. Yay me. I'm such a whitie, it's sad.
After tanning I was fully intending to go for a nice hour long run. Figured I'd eat first to give myself some energy since I barely ate yesterday and all I'd had was a tomato for breaky (I love tomatoes. They're my fave food, I eat them like apples. Gross? Kinda. Tasty? Yes.) Anyways, I ended up binging on three pieces of bread, several hot dog buns, like two cups of chick peas, a bear paw, two chewy bars and a rice crispie square, as well as like a whole thing of strawberries. So I was pretty much disgusted with myself, and when I'm in a post binge state I just get super depressed and don't want to do anything. Soooo I lay down and watched South Park. I'm so grossed out with my body right now. I am so fucking unattractive and so fat and so covered in cellulite...
I feel like I should just unfriend everyone because I'm too fat to be friends with you...
Ugh.
K well at like 7 my friend Kita called so I drove over to her house and we just sat around and chilled. It was a good night, but of course I just felt so fake the whole time because I can't smile these days. I try so damn hard but it's never a real smile, no matter how funny the situation is. So annoying. I just want to be happy!
Camp is in a month. I'll be going for a month and it's intense excercise and stuff so I'm expecting to lose weight, but I'd like to lose at least 10 pounds beforehand just to trim up and be more toned for wearing a bathing suit. So I'm going to be devising a workout plan that I will stick to, and I'm never going to binge again.
Ha.
That last one will be out the window quite shortly I expect.
This is getting really long, I'm gonna stop now.
How I'm feeling right now:
In pain (4)
Unhappy (4)
Self concious (6)
Lazy and therefore worthless (6)
Comments
side effect of sleep pills is not headache....i tkae them everynight.....so i know =P....o and im pasty white too! but i dont go outsde much....thats y =P
missyS
Well, every sleeping pill is different and therefore each has different side effects, so it's a possibility. Head aches, as I'm sure you know are one of the most common side effects of almost any medication. Then again, headaches can be caused by a million other things. such as not getting enough nutrition...
Hey, come to think of it, binges are also caused by lack of adequate nutrition. If all you eat is a tomato, chances are that you are going to binge later. Of course, some days, circumstantially you will make it though without bingeing, but that is part due to chance, part due to willpower, and totally futile because it only will lead to a binge a day or two later in the end. Somewhere deep down there I think you know that.
You know me fairly well girl. I'm not saying any of this because I think I have all the answers or because I want to tell you what to do. I'm saying it because I care. And because I don't know what else to say, or how to phrase it so that you might listen to any of it..so that it might make a difference. Just last night I was sitting outside at my friend's country house in connecticut, and we were smoking the best weed I've had in probabbly... months.... (which says a LOT-ha.) and we got into a million different conversations with a million different tangents, but I remember the one that moved me the most was when we were talking about anorexia, I brought up the fact that I had a friend who was really scaring me, and that she already has serious eating issues and hardly eats any food by choice, yet has recently decided to be a vegan. Conversation went into more depth than that, but let me paraphrase: I'm really fucking worried about you. I don't know how else to say it. I care, and I don't know what to do, because you're so guarded. And it's hard to get into your head enough to even figure out how to reach or influence whatever is causing the root of these problems--eating issues, and other less obvious issues as well. I can't reach you. It scares me. This is the first time I've been able to put it into simple terms because I didn't even fully realize how I felt about it really until last night. I'm not used to not being able to get through to someone I care about. I'm fucking good at it. But when I try with you, I just fail. Over and over again. I wish you could trust yourself enough to let others in a little more. Even if it's not me... I don't care. I just want you to be happy.
I think it's really good that you are starting to orient your journals to be a little bit more focused on how you're feeling or what's going on in your head. It's actually really relieving to me. Even though I know you miss your old therapist a fuck of a lot, this new one really seems to know what he's doing, and I think he is pointing you in the right direction and that is a huge weight off my chest, even though it's just the beginning of a long road. Emotions are never easy to pin down.. especially for people like us, who've learned to repress them as a straight up survival tactic. You started bucking that shit down before you were even conscious of it, and now emotions are ellusive and foreign, and that's really dangerous because that disconnect is exactly what feeds an eating disorder, and a lack of a concrete sense of self. I think your sense of self is mostly built on who you want to be, and where and how you see yourself ideally being in the future.... and most prominently, all of the areas where you fall short of that. I think this is a really good way to start gaining ground. I am really proud of you for listening to the advice given to you by your new therapist, and actually implementing this new way of journaling.... even if it seems bizarre or unnatural, or socially odd. I don't see it like that at all, I think it's cool. You have such an open mind. And that's how I know that you are going to get better. Even though a lot of days I know you don't think you can do it, and that this ED will always been engrained in you and a part of your daily life, I know that you can get past this. There is no doubt in my mind, and what makes it so clear cut to me is the fact that despite everything, and the hold it's got on you, you are still wise and mature enough to keep an open mind, and are able to put some faith and trust into your therapist's advice.
Keep it up, okay? Everything's going to be alright in the end. If it's not alright... then it's not the end. ;) I believe in you.
halffast41