Journal

My oh my how my life seems to have taken another quantum leap in the past few days!

I think I'm gettin some cahones!!  I used to be, not meek per se, but not exactly steel spined.  But it seems that since I made the decision to change the path my life was going in, my spine has gotten a little stiffer!

There are new neighbours close to us.  We are new, but they are newer.  And for the past week they have partied all night into the wee hours.  Tonight, I got fed up.

They sat in front of my house, in a truck, drinking and blaring their stereo so loud that it was rattling my windows.  Then they started smashing beer bottles on the road, and I can see out my front window that there are about 12 beer bottles on my front lawn.  The old me would of sighed, then went to bed and dealt with the aftermath in the morning.

The new me called the cops.  And they know it was me.  I'm the only house with the lights on and I made sure the saw me on the phone to give them a chance to shut up themselves.  I mean, come on, who else am I calling at 3am?

Two cop cars show up...they made the kids dump all their booze, and they searched the truck.  They broke up the party at the house near by, searched the garage where they were all drinking.  Patted them down, told them to pack it up or arrests were going to be made.

Satisfying.

But then as a cop went to drive away he drove over a pile of broken glass that I didn't think he saw in the first place, it's not too well lit here.  Well...those fireworks flew!  He got out and checked his tires, then he got really authorative.  Never seen people pack up and get the hell out so quick!

Someone is going to have to clean the road in the morning, not sure who, they won't, and my yard is going to have to be cleaned.  Plus, I just made mortal enemies with people who I will be living very close to for the next 30 years.

But it felt good.  I did something for me.  Forget about the consequences(for the time being).  I took a step to make my life a little better at the moment.

Now let's just hope they were too blitzed to remember it was me........................

I have been unhappy in my relationship for awhile now.  So has he, or so I think.  It seems we fight a ridiculous amount, and we spend alot of time going to bed in angry silence.

Last night I just couldn't take it anymore.  I took off my promise ring and my engagment ring and I gave them back.  I told him I didn't want to leave him, that I loved him, but that I couldn't marry someone who wasn't happy with me.

He actually told me that he didn't see a problem in our relationship!! He had anger issues as a child, and they are starting to rear up again, and it scares me.

 He yells at me for little things, like the other day, he was changing his tires and we had to go out.  So I kenneled the dog and he told me not to forget to lock the door.  So I double made sure I locked it, and then it turned out his keys weren't in the car like he thought, they were inside.  And I didn't grab my key because I just assumed he had his.  That made it all my fault.  And he stood in the garage yelling at me.  Or last night, we went to a movie, and he had had a dentist appointment that ran late, so by the time we got to the theatre the show was sold out.  He made a big scene in the lobby, somehow blaming it on my that we didn't get tickets.  I was humiliated!  And he thinks a mumbled 'sorry but you shouldn't of.....' is enough to make it all go away.

He wouldn't talk to me last night.  The hurt in his eyes tore at my heart.  But I have to do this!  I have to make him see that our relationship is falling apart and I want to stop it.  I told him we could try counselling, we could have nightly talks, we could do anything...I just want to make it better.

He will be good for a few days, then he will snap. 

And the only emotion he shows me anymore is anger.  He rants and raves about money....how I never pay for gas, for heat, for the mortgage, for groceries.  We have a joint bank account!  All my money is in the same account all the bills come out of.  And he stills calls it 'his money' or 'his account'. 

I'm tired, and I need to do something.  I don't want to leave him, and for all I know, this angered him enough that he's going to kick me out.  Or he's going to try to pretend like nothing happened.  Like he usually does.

But I'm so lost, and I'm not going to let him sluff it off.  I just can't get him to talk to me.  

I asked him last night, after I gave the rings back, what he was thinking, what he was feeling.  And he shrugged.  He told me he wasn't thinking or feeling anything.  That hurt, alot.  I just reduced our status back to just dating, and he acts like he doesn't even care.  He tells me that it doesn't really matter.  Just like when he makes me cry, or I sleep on the couch.  Doesn't seem to bother him.

Arrrrgggg.....I'm just so overwhelmed!

Today was oddly surreal.  It felt like for one day, just one day, I was living someone else's life.  Someone normal, without my basket case family and my nut house issues.

It started out so normal.  Marlow woke up at 10, later then normal, but the time change has thrown her routine out the window!  We hung out at home, she had a short nap at noon and I just read a book and did some housework.

Then Joey got home and asked if I minded if he went to the driving range.  I told him I didn't mind as long as he was willing to drop me, Kongo(the dog) and Marlow at the dog park.  He said no problem.

So he left us there, and we began our walk.  He text me ten minutes later to tell me that the course had opened up early and if I minded if he played a quick 9.  He said it would only be an hour or so.

It was soooo beautiful out, +10 today!  I told him to go ahead.  Well, the game turned out to be almost three hours!  But, I didn't care.  Normally I would of found myself getting cross, but it didn't seem to matter.

Not with the sun beating on my face, the wind blowing my hair, my daughter laughing at all the dogs and my own dog actually behaving.  So I walked for almost three hours.  Talking to whomever wanted to talk, meeting other parents, other pet owners.

Then when Joey shows up, instead of being his usual defensive self, he tells me that because he ran late he's taking me out to supper.  That NEVER happens!  And he tells me that the couple from his work he was golfing with, will be joining us.  I like the couple.  They are really nice and so much fun and they don't seem to mind that we have an infant daughter and are limited in some of our activities.  They adjust to accomodate Marlow.  We have been doing more and more with them lately.

So we go for supper.  And it's fun.  Lots of laughter, good food, Marlow was still in a good mood!  And she made the older gentleman behind us smile like crazy. 

We come home and Joey gets his lunch ready for work....and cleans up after himself!  That also never happens.  Then, my computer has been on the fritz, and suddenly today it fixes itself!

What a good day.  Makes me nervous about tomorrow though!