Lettetalk's Journal

I just went through a horrible weekend.  I couldnt stop sweating so much.  I am not a sweaty person but geezelooweezes I was constantly felt like I just step out of the shower. My BP was spiking so high. I was trying so hard to control my pain.  All I could do is lay in bed and rock back and forth. Rocking helps me keep my mind off of everything. Next thing I know I would clonk out from exhaustion and sleep for a bit.

I am finding myself feeling piss off at my hubby and my daughter.  I have every reason to be piss off.  I am having a hard time getting insurance for my health. One ins company says it wont start til sept 1st. I need to see kidney dr and get an MRI.  I told my hubby that I will really need to see my reg dr next month. He made some comments about how much my dr chargin and ask me if he could make payment.  Wait a minute I say to myself. I know we got money that is no problem at all.  I havent seen my dr in 2 mons.  She is worrying cuz she want me to see the kidney dr and get MRI but knows I dont have ins.  He knows how I hated when I feel like such a burden especially when it comes to money.  He make good money and we live below our means.  Then our little yorkie hurt her paw all of the sudden he carrying her around and  he is ready to take her to the vet this morning.  Am I missing something here? 

As for my daughter I cant believe how inconsiderate she was on Sunday.  Her and her hubby want to go see a dollar movie. And we watch our grand babies. She change the time to mid day movie instead of evening and that when I became sick with high BP. Which she took it was 170/110. Here I am laying there trying not to freak out about my bp.  She actully left to go to the movie and leaving my hubby to watch the kids. Which didnt go very well with him.  Guess my grandson was having an off day being bratty which he is usually well behaved.

Then I have to listen to my hubby complain about it.

Hello I am not feeling well here and I dont need this crap.  It is bad enough I feel guilty because of my health.  I didnt ask for it.  Then I feel worse being betray by my family.  I never felt so alone. 

I am always there taking care of others and making them feel better physically or emotionally.  Why cant I have someone here for me.  Instead all night long I cried because I felt so alone and depress. All I wanted to do is go to sleep and not wake up and not feel all this hurts anymore.  It is never ending. I am not suicidal cuz I dont believe in it.  It just that enough is enough.  It is hard enough to function everyday beling vision and hearing impaired and having medical problems on top of that. Right now Im just tire of it and need a break. I wish I could win million of bucks (as good hearted as I am I will split it ) and run away.  Only thing I tell myself is to hang in there one more day.