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Lettetalk 
11:39am, July 5, 2009
Another week went by still feeling like crap. No matter what I do, nothing seems to work. We had bad weather and it play havoc on my sinus which in turn play on my kidneys.
Today I was going bonker with the ringing in my ears. Even though I have hearing loss; I kept hearing the phone ringing like every half hour all day. I couldnt focus or even lay down and take a nap. Thank goodness I found my ear drops it helps.
Im still frustrated about my kidneys pain. All I could think about how I hated it so badly. It is ruining my life. When I think back in 1995 of how I thought having hysteracomy would turn my life around as a new woman after years of misery. That sure backfire on me when I nearly died from complications. Then to be told I am legally blind and I had to give up my brand new car. It was something I've always wanted of my own and the freedom it gave me. I've gone to counseling for years to dealing with the greiving of my loss of my childhood due to my twin sister, family issues, losing my sights, giving up my freedom and independency. And now dealing with my PKD. I often wonder when is it going to end.
All I've been doing is trying to figure out where do I go from here. Every day that is what I would wonder what i've done to deserve this turmoils I'm going through. I often thought of what would make me happy again. I guess I'm afraid to seek out for anything; knowing it would be taking away from me. It never fails. I have goals but afraid to pursue it. It more like I dont have energy or ambition to move forward when I bound by the pain I go through every day. Whether it is pain itself or emotional and pain together that is keeping me down. I've tried forcing myself through the pain but it just made it worse. I've asked my self was it worth it. At the time it did but the next day the pain would be cruciating that I could not function at all. Then it set me back to recuperate.
I really hate everybody I care about see me like this. I know there is nothing they can do for me but give me love and patience.
I'm just trying to work through this confusion I am having right now. I'm still searching for answer to my bag of problems. I'm praying for just one day that things will fall in places for me.
Comments
Live can be so hard sometimes. I don't believe that we did something to deserve all the health problems we do. I think God has more faith in us than we have in ourselves.
I hope you feel better soon, I know it sucks having all these problems but hang in there, you are not alone!
hugs Cathy
ragingfog
If it helps any, my last two weeks have been like that. Lupus flared so a lot of swollen organs, heart problems, bone pain and fatigue. Hate the times I am really sick, but look forward to the times when the sun comes out and I am better. Things will fall back in place. They always do. It just seems that when you get really sick that everything and yourself work against you. What I try to always do is to accomplish those things that I feel are vital to life and to take really good care of myself and rest until things pass. Everything else will have to wait and I can only do so much. You will eventually get to that point of acceptance, you won't have any choice:) One step at a time, one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time). I constantly tell myself that it will come to pass. Even if I don't believe it at the time. It always passes. Only thing constant in life is change and whether I have a good month or a bad one it is up to me to make small changes towards making my life better.
On another note, please check your kidney status with the doc. The weather tends to swell them and you need to check your GFR, etc. Speaking of which so do I since my heart and kidneys are acting up again. I will go to the doc if you do. Deal? I hope things turn around for you soon and I will keep you in my prayers. Best wishes - Kris
Ps. If you ever need to talk about things, I am here. My regular email is krismcarmen@hotmail.com in case I can't get to you on this site.
CNSKris