Journal

I just went through a horrible weekend.  I couldnt stop sweating so much.  I am not a sweaty person but geezelooweezes I was constantly felt like I just step out of the shower. My BP was spiking so high. I was trying so hard to control my pain.  All I could do is lay in bed and rock back and forth. Rocking helps me keep my mind off of everything. Next thing I know I would clonk out from exhaustion and sleep for a bit.

I am finding myself feeling piss off at my hubby and my daughter.  I have every reason to be piss off.  I am having a hard time getting insurance for my health. One ins company says it wont start til sept 1st. I need to see kidney dr and get an MRI.  I told my hubby that I will really need to see my reg dr next month. He made some comments about how much my dr chargin and ask me if he could make payment.  Wait a minute I say to myself. I know we got money that is no problem at all.  I havent seen my dr in 2 mons.  She is worrying cuz she want me to see the kidney dr and get MRI but knows I dont have ins.  He knows how I hated when I feel like such a burden especially when it comes to money.  He make good money and we live below our means.  Then our little yorkie hurt her paw all of the sudden he carrying her around and  he is ready to take her to the vet this morning.  Am I missing something here? 

As for my daughter I cant believe how inconsiderate she was on Sunday.  Her and her hubby want to go see a dollar movie. And we watch our grand babies. She change the time to mid day movie instead of evening and that when I became sick with high BP. Which she took it was 170/110. Here I am laying there trying not to freak out about my bp.  She actully left to go to the movie and leaving my hubby to watch the kids. Which didnt go very well with him.  Guess my grandson was having an off day being bratty which he is usually well behaved.

Then I have to listen to my hubby complain about it.

Hello I am not feeling well here and I dont need this crap.  It is bad enough I feel guilty because of my health.  I didnt ask for it.  Then I feel worse being betray by my family.  I never felt so alone. 

I am always there taking care of others and making them feel better physically or emotionally.  Why cant I have someone here for me.  Instead all night long I cried because I felt so alone and depress. All I wanted to do is go to sleep and not wake up and not feel all this hurts anymore.  It is never ending. I am not suicidal cuz I dont believe in it.  It just that enough is enough.  It is hard enough to function everyday beling vision and hearing impaired and having medical problems on top of that. Right now Im just tire of it and need a break. I wish I could win million of bucks (as good hearted as I am I will split it ) and run away.  Only thing I tell myself is to hang in there one more day.

Another week went by still feeling like crap.  No matter what I do, nothing seems to work.  We had bad weather and it play havoc on my sinus which in turn play on my kidneys.

Today I was going bonker with the ringing in my ears. Even though I have hearing loss; I kept hearing the phone ringing like every half hour all day.  I couldnt focus or even lay down and take a nap.  Thank goodness I found my ear drops it helps.

Im still frustrated about my kidneys pain.  All I could think about how I hated it so badly. It is ruining my life. When I think back in 1995 of how I thought having hysteracomy would turn my life around as a new woman after years of misery. That sure backfire on me when I nearly died from complications.  Then to be told I am legally blind and I had to give up my brand new car.  It was something I've always wanted of my own and the freedom it gave me.  I've gone to counseling for years to dealing with the greiving of my loss of my childhood due to my twin sister, family issues, losing my sights, giving up my freedom and independency.  And now dealing with my PKD.  I often wonder when is it going to end.

All I've been doing is trying to figure out where do I go from here. Every day that is what I would wonder what i've done to deserve this turmoils I'm going through.  I often thought of what would make me happy again. I guess I'm afraid to seek out for anything; knowing it would be taking away from me.  It never fails.  I have goals but afraid to pursue it.  It more like I dont have energy or ambition to move forward when I bound by the pain I go through every day.  Whether it is pain itself or emotional and pain together that is keeping me down.  I've tried forcing myself through the  pain but it just made it worse.  I've asked my self was it worth it.  At the time it did but the next day the pain would be cruciating that I could not function at all.  Then it set me back to recuperate.

I really hate everybody I care about see me like this.  I know there is nothing they can do for me but give me love and patience. 

I'm just trying to work through this confusion I am having right now.  I'm still searching for answer to my bag of problems.  I'm praying for just one day that things will fall in places for me. 

Last Tuesday, out of the blue my right kidney flare up. I was out of my percocet and call my dr for refill. By the time thursday roll around I was out of my mind with pain. When my dr assistant called on thursday after I left another message for refill; she knew I was in pain cuz I could not focus and talk to her straight. I was having hard time catching my breath. She did notice that I had called eariler and said she will call me back.  My dr end up calling me back and said sorry that no one did the follow up on my message. Since she can't call in my meds;she asked if I can swing by the clinic. I said 30 mins?  Shure no prob she said, she will wait for me.  I never moved so fast and hubby got in the truck waitin for me. Yike 30 mins through beginning of heavy 4th of july weekend.  What was I thinking.  It take 30 mins through easy traffic to her office. I was in panic mode.  Hubby kept askin if I was okay cuz I was pale, sweatin and shakin.  I could see in his eyes that he didnt like seeing me this way.  I told him that I think my sinus infection mustve trigger my kidney problems. I was lucky to find my sinus med but think I was too late to prevent from getting worse.  I couldve swore I didnt have any more sinus med but lo behold I found a brand new box. hmm angels at work here?  Just made it to the dr office in 30 mins flat. whew

Shure enough my dr's car was in the parking lot and I knock on the side door; she handed me my presp.  So glad I did not give up this dr because of the driving distance.  It is a pain in the butt but she work with me; not against me unlike other drs.

I slept most of my weekend away while hubby took care of 4th of july with our daughter, her hubby and our grandkids.  I felt bad cuz I was going to make homemade potato salad and bake beans. Instead hubby bought some at the store.  Later they went to see the fireworks; while they were gone, I had set out stuff for strawberry shortcakes then went to bed and fell asleep.