Infertility Blogger
Lee Trask is an advocate for women dealing with issues of infertility and miscarriage. Having struggled through more than six years of infertility, three miscarriages, and high-risk pregnancy, she is now happy raising her two…
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Approaching due date after miscarriage
Posted in Bereavement by Lee Trask on Oct 29, 2008

A member sent me a message yesterday about how to handle her upcoming due date. She miscarried 6 months ago, and is fast approaching the day that her baby was supposed to be born. She thought she was “over” the miscarriage, and is surprised by how much she is dreading her due date. I think what is so important to consider is the scope of the loss. It’s not an event that passes easily or quickly, and grief about it can be triggered long after you feel that you have “moved on”.


 


It is perfectly normal to have these feelings long after the miscarriage, or any loss. The day you were supposed to meet your baby will bring all sorts of emotions with it. You didn't break a bone, or catch a flu, that once physically healed, leaves no trace. You lost all the hopes, dreams and anticipation of what that little boy or girl would be in your life and in this world, and that is no small thing. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself permission to grieve when you are ready, be that right after the miscarriage, or months past it. Respect the fact that you have suffered a great loss. Your family and friends may not understand why you are upset because so much time has passed, but any anniversary can bring emotion with it, good and bad.


 


There is no running from your due date, so maybe planning something special for that day will make it easier to face. What can you think of that would honor you baby on that day? Can you plan to be with people who will support you, or perhaps you would rather spend the day quietly by yourself? I know women who have done everything from buying a stuffed animal for the baby to getting a tattoo...whatever seems to feel right to you. Cry, scream, write, go to the gym, get a massage, whatever makes you feel better, do that. You have to let your heart heal, and that can take a very long time.

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25
I lost my baby in May this year. We went for a scan to be told the baby had died the day before, I was 11 weeks and found it very hard to accept. Now my due date is a matter of days away and I cant stop thinking about what could have been. My partner tells me that I shouldnt dwell on things and one day we will have a child together. I know and accept this but I cant help but feel sad :( not long after our loss it seemed like all our family and friends are now pregnant. My sister, sister in law and best friend are all pregnant and due around the same time, along with a work mate, cousin and my partners neice amongst a lot of others. Although I am happy for them I cant help but feel sadder with every announcement and again when every month my period brings disappointment. I just want the sadness to be replaced by happiness!!
By msigwb82  Nov 16, 2011
24
i lost my baby on feb 18th of this year i was 7 weeks. & that was the worst day of my life. i miss her ( what my fiancee and i feel like i was having) and i talk to her all the time. my due date was oct 4th. and i have my good days and my bad days but it seems the closer i get to my due date the more i have bad days. I also work with a lady who is due 2 weeks after me. seeing her everyday doesnt help me, because i know i should be that big antisipating the arrival of my baby. i am thinking about taking off work on october 4th in honor of my baby but i am just not sure if i should. i have also bought a necklace that reads i carry you forever in my heart with the birthstone in the middle and on the back it reads 7 weeks feb 11th. i just wish i could have my baby back!!
By shannon124  Aug 11, 2011
23
i lost my baby on feb 18th of this year i was 7 weeks. & that was the worst day of my life. i miss her ( what my fiancee and i feel like i was having) and i talk to her all the time. my due date was oct 4th. and i have my good days and my bad days but it seems the closer i get to my due date the more i have bad days. I also work with a lady who is due 2 weeks after me. seeing her everyday doesnt help me, because i know i should be that big antisipating the arrival of my baby. i am thinking about taking off work on october 4th in honor of my baby but i am just not sure if i should. i have also bought a necklace that reads i carry you forever in my heart with the birthstone in the middle and on the back it reads 7 weeks feb 11th. i just wish i could have my baby back!!
By shannon124  Aug 11, 2011
22
I had a miscarriage July 7, 2010. We would've welcomed our baby late last week, and the past week has been emotional agony. Every baby I see is like a dagger to the heart. What simmers under the surface as smoldering embers rages into a full blown wild fire at every sight of a child. The ache in my chest is almost unbearable the past few days. I never knew that a void could be more painful than an actual feeling of pain. I ache to hold a baby - my baby - to my chest. My biological clock has been ticking for years, but for the past few days it seems to be exploding from within me, screaming at me for attention. I pray for the strength to get through the time that remains until we have a child. I know for our child's sake and our sake that we need to wait, but each moment is torture. I've never known such an intense need before. It's like lungs burning for oxygen.
By MrsRKM2011  Mar 15, 2011
21
I lost my first in May last year, a missed m/c and found out at the u/s that it didn't have a heartbeat and had died at 7.5 weeks. I'm pretty sad about the upcoming anniversary of when we found out about the baby and that the one year anniversary is coming up too. I bought a ring with my baby's birthstone in it so I can wear it everyday and have part of my baby with me. I actually found that my friend's announcement of their pregnancy hit me harder than my own due date. When their baby was born only a couple of months after mine was due I found it very hard to take, also some insensitive comments between then and now have really made me angry. It's been about 9 months since I lost my first baby and even now that I'm 5.5 months pregnant I find it hard to know that I should have my first baby here with me too.
By Majah  Feb 17, 2010
20
i miscarried in May of this year, and i still continue the count down. it's just hard that when that day comes, i won't have a baby in my arms to celebrate.
By butterflygrl  Nov 03, 2009
19
I am new to this website and just joined so I can share my story as I know other stories have helped me. This is the month that our 3rd child, a girl, should have been born. Unfortunately, we had to terminate our pregnancy due to chromosomal challenges which doctors described as being incompatible with life. I was half way through the pregnancy, and the experience broke my heart like never before. I still mourn and grieve our loss, but it's tapered off over the past couple of months. Now I am full force into my life an raising my 2 beautiful and healthy boys, and I thank God that my family and friends are healthy. But now, I feel like it just happened and I can't get through any long moments without crying- really crying. My dream of having a little Christmas baby, a daughter, keeps shattering over and over in my head. And while I wish that the holiday season would take my mind off of it for a while, it only makes it worse. Then, to make things worse, I just started my cycle and we are actively TTC. I got so depressed because what I really wanted and prayed so hard for (to be pregnant before our due date) didn't come true. I just feel so sad hopeless. I know there are better days ahead for us, and I never forget what greatness we do have in our lives, for now the pain I feel now has taken over again. Thanks for you time and listening to my story.
By mamacher  Dec 13, 2008
18
Many years ago I had a miscarriage. I remember I was four months along and I started to bleed. By the time I got to the doctor I had lost the baby. The first thing they asked me was "did you bring it with you. I was only 19 and I didn't know I was suppose to. They gave me a D&C to stop the bleeding and clean me out. Afterwards I asked the doctor "are you sure I can get pregnant again"? He told me not to worry. I waited awhile and tried again. I now have two grown children a boy and girl. My daughter just recently lost her first baby. The doctor said it didn't grow. She was two months pregnant. I wish all of you well and I know that my daughter will have a baby in a while. God bless you all Sharon
By daniele  Nov 09, 2008
17
After four losses I know the power of the due date. Each and every child had his or her own date where I should have met him or her. So far I made it through two my next will be in December and I am sure I will still be sad even though I am happily expecting again and I am 12 weeks along. I agree with Lee honor the day anyway that works for you. My first I planted flowers. My 2nd I went to church and lit a candle. It helped me to move on.
By angelh721  Nov 07, 2008
16
14 July Delilah was still born,i will never forget as long as i live July 14 will be a day of sadness and knowing how old she would have been at each birthday,if i live to be eighty it will still be with me on July 14
By julie65  Nov 02, 2008
15
I was 8 weeks pregnant when I miscarried, and my family told me it was a good thing because I'm in a 12 month program at school, and living 3 hours away from my fiancee, but it was still a very big loss, we wanted a family. Then a girl in my class announced she was pregnant, and her due date was exactly 2 weeks after mine.
I couldn't come up with anything special to do for my due date, so I just kept busy with errands & dinner with family, etc. but now she has a beautiful little girl (which is what my fiancee had already convinced himself we were having a girl) and it breaks my heart. I really truly want to be happy for her, but I just don't know if I can!
By endersbyt  Nov 02, 2008
14
Dear Lee, I know exactly what the member you write about feels. Except that I miscarried 4 times. I remember each ones birthday, but for some reason the last one, a boy, hit me the hardest. After having 3 miscarriages, due to stress, I got pregnant again, but this time I moved in with my mother. I carried my son to full term and had a beautiful healthy baby. I feel like if I hadn't moved in with my mother, my wreck of a marriage would have ended this pregnancy as well.
We divorced, I remarried and for nine years I tried to get pregant, but I didn't. Then when I did, it had been so long since I had been pregnant, that I didn't reconize the symptoms. Jessica was born with Cri-du-Chat Syndrome that's French for Cry of the Cat for your reader's.
They call it that because of vocal cord deformities, when they cry, they sound like a little kitten. Of course she was born mentally handicapped. She's 21 now. Anyway, a year later I got pregnant again. I was absolutely terrified that this baby would have the same thing as Jessie. The genetic doctor wanted to do a an early test on me to see if the baby had the same thing. I can't remember the name of it, CVS or something like that. They go in and take a piece of the placenta to do a DNA test. They told me that the risk of death was a little higher than an Amneiocentesis which is done at 16 weeks. This test was done at 9 weeks.
A week later I started spotting. After losing 3 other babies, I knew what this meant. I called the hospital which was two hours away, and they told me to come in right now! I called my husband at work, and soon we were on our way north to this major hospital. They did a ultra sound, regular and vaginal. I knew the baby was dead from the regular, there was no heart beat. I told them not to bother with a doctor doing a vaginal, there was no doubt the baby was gone. They told me they were so sorry, but they rules, and a doctor had to do a vaginal and sign a paper that the baby was gone. There were no tear's coming from my eyes, I was just froozen in suspended animation, not knowing how to feel, or if I had any feelings. Jan from genetic's came over and told me that I was to come back tomorrow for a DNC.
I feel like I kill him, yes it was a boy. I feel like by deciding to do that test that I kill him! His birthday is coming up soon, November 11th.
He is the only one that I gave a name to. I named him Elliot.
This story may be sad for your member, but I wanted her to know that she isn't alone, that after 20 years, I still grieve for my son, for all my lost children, but for Elliot, I should have left things alone, and let God have his will. I agree with you Lee, your member should grieve how ever she needs too. I've found being with someone that's been through it before comforting, put a candle in the window on the baby's due date. And remember this, I believe in God, and I hope to go to heaven when it's my time, and I will get to see my little Angels one day. That alone keeps me going, I look forward to the day. God Bless you.
By MomVickie  Nov 02, 2008
13
I had a miscarriage really early like at 5 weeks. My baby was due in October 2008 I miscarried February 2008. I was worried too that it might happen again. My miscarriage was clean like a late period my uterus was empty I didn't require a D and C. I let my baby's due date pass no use crying over spilt milk. I was sad but miscarriage is common and affects 20% of all pregnancies so it isn't the end of the world
By Jungsun  Nov 02, 2008
12
My sister announced she was pregnant about a month after my miscarriage. I have watched her son grow up and my own shadow child grows along with him...my only consolation is that I will see him or her in Heaven. Since my Daddy died on October 7th the pain of both losses sits heavy on me.

I would like to add that I had no idea how many women had suffered this loss until I lost my own baby. It is something women seem reluctant to talk about except to console others.
By Appleby  Nov 02, 2008
11
It was my understanding that miscarriages didn't generally happen after the 1st trimester and the closer you are to your due date without incident, the better your outcome will be. Even though you may be afraid that history will repeat itself, try to remain calm and collect. Practice your rrythmic breathing and keep a prayer in your heart throughout. Good luck.
By Cybercatxq  Nov 01, 2008
10
I am so sorry for what you went through. I have never personally experienced this heartbreak but my older sister has. Her first born was still born when she was only 5 and a half months into the pregnancy. AFter that she had two more miscarriages and it was so hard on her for so long. She still gets very sad around the due dates. Its so hard to experience loss in any way. Just three months ago she finally had a beautiful healthy baby girl when all the doctors said it was hopeless pretty much. My prayers are with you and I hope that everything works out for you in the best way.
By 12Mandy22  Nov 01, 2008
9
I have never forgotten the due date or the date of my stillborn miscarriage. It was 18 years ago this May 1st...a date like this is never easy to forget .
There were other mothers pregnant in my community at the same time as myself..... so I have watched their children grow into young adults.
I planted a Blue Spruce tree in memorial to my child. It is in my yard near the kitchen window and I have watched it grow over these last 18 years.
I've always wondered about that young son and what he would have been in this world. I still think about this and I'm certain that I always will.
The pain may be less with the passage of time but my memory will never cease.
I have found great comfort in watching generations of birds and rabbits find safe refuge in the branches of this tree.
And I know that my young son has found comfort in the arms of the angels.
By sensitive  Oct 31, 2008
8
sorry about all of you i know how that fewel i had them too and then 2004 i was dx with ms
By whildheart32  Oct 31, 2008
7
I was making tremendous progress after suffering my 4th miscarriage on June 30.2008 at 22wks. I had returned to work, got back into a regular routine. I am currently preparing for surgery in November to help support my extremely weak incompetent cervix that failed with a Transvaginal Cerclage. August, September and most of October was fine for the most part. But last week, when I was asked to help a coworker with her projects in preparation for and during her Maternity Leave, I broke down crying at work. My baby’s due date was Nov 2.2008. Since this occurred a week ago I have been thinking more and more about my baby and her due date and it is just so painful. I thought I was over this level/degree of pain that drives me to heavy crying.
By abenapc  Oct 31, 2008
6
I lost a baby January 7, 2008. It was the worst day of my life...I cried for days and felt a sadness that was beyond anything I had ever felt before in my life. I remember feeling hopeless and above all things mortal.
As wierd as that may sound I remember thinking to myself, "Oh my God I really don't have any control of my body afterall." This theme stuck in my head for days and it became it's own entity untill I became angry and then eventually accepted that there was nothing I could have ever done to save my baby. My faith did a lot to help my healing and it is stronger today because of it.
Another thing which occured to me is how very alone you feel. It is only you, your mind and the what if's. Family and friends try to console but their concern seems to only stem from a fear of seeing the person they love distraught. Someone who has never had a miscarriage can not understand the depths the soul descends into. It truely breaks your heart.
When the due date comes around don't suger coat it, mourn your loss, respect the passing, it happened. But be damm sure that you are not alone and that some how you will get through this. Unfortunately it is part of life and it is universal. Even animals in the wild mourn their own losses. Look up and be strong your beautiful already for 1. wanting that life and 2. accepting all the responsibilities that becoming a mom entails.
By sisterlost  Oct 31, 2008

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