5 Things Never to Tell Your Shrink by Julie Cohen/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Advisors

Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles. Her areas of focus include: depression, anxiety, panic, post-traumatic stress, bipolar…

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5 Things Never to Tell Your Shrink

Posted in ADHD / ADD by Julie Cohen on May 28, 2008

Stepping into a therapist's office for the first time takes courage. In fact, the decision can be so stressful that some people wait until they are in crisis and/or have exhausted all others ways of trying to solve their problems. But, once on the "couch," relief sets in as they realize that therapy is a worthwhile investment of time and money. Yet, often a client may unknowingly sabotage their own treatment.

Freud called this "resistance." While resistance does occur, I have found that some client's just don't understand how to make the most out of their therapy sessions. Even a well trained therapist can't detour a client from wasting valuable session time if that client is determined (consciously or unconsciously) to talk about everything other than the core issues that brought them to therapy in the first place.

Now it is normal for client's to veer off track from time to time and adjunct stories are often a relevant part of the therapeutic process. However, taking a mindful and focused approach to your therapy may help you resolve issues sooner and leave therapy with a higher degree of satisfaction. To get you on the road to productive psychotherapy check out these 5 things never to tell your shrink:

1. " Fix me!" Part of the healing process involves accountability. If you walk into a therapist's office expecting them to do all the work you will leave sorely disappointed. Of course, a therapist should take an active role in the therapy but as a client you need to take an equally active role. Take the approach that therapy is work and that you have a job to do.

2 Random stories: One of my most respected mentors told me that ". . . your clients will take you on a walk in the garden and show you all the flowers and do everything they can to avoid talking about why they are really there. In other words: Avoidance. Time is money, especially in therapy. And therapy is not cheap. Some shrinks charge upwards of $200 per 50 minute session. So, make every minute count! Catch yourself if you start to drift of topic. Your therapist may be very skilled at corralling you back but do you really want to spend your entire session having your shrink chase you down? If you notice yourself veering off tell your therapist that you are having a hard time staying focused. Sharing that with your therapist could lead to an insightful and meaningful session.

3. "You haven't helped me:" Now granted there are a few just plain old bad therapists out there but generally most therapists are well trained and put effort and skill into helping clients resolve their issues. If you have spent a lot of time in therapy with a competent therapist without noticing progress you may need to look in the mirror versus pointing a finger towards your shrink. Your therapist may be giving you wonderful tools but if you don't implement them they become meaningless. Remember your work doesn't stop when the 50 minutes are up. Also, if you do try to implement the tools but are unsuccessful, let your therapist know so the two of you can rework them.

4. "Let's have lunch:" A therapist/client relationship is unique. It can feel like a good friendship except that one friend never talks about themselves. If you were to socialize with your therapist it would taint your work together. Successful therapy depends on the therapist having a neutral stance and remaining a bit of an outsider in your social world. It doesn't mean that a therapist doesn't care about you. On the contrary, most are totally invested in you getting well that they would never jeopardize the therapy by crossing that line.

5. "Tell me about your problems:" A therapist must be careful what they self-disclose to their clients. If they share too much about themselves the therapy then becomes about the therapist and not the client. If you are dying to know personal information about your therapist there may be an underlying reason. And uncovering that reason may be valuable to the therapy. Have a discussion about your interest in knowing personal information about your therapist rather than the personal information itself. That way the work will stay focused on you.

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This is great information, but I don't think it goes far enough. Even those of us who are therapy veterans can sometimes use some guidance. Not everyone knows what to expect when first starting therapy. For example, I've heard that it takes an average of 2 yrs to create a solid, theraputic relationship with a therapist. Is that accurate?

So, I think it would be helpful to write a series of blogs about the following:
1. How to interview & select a therapist, including questions to ask the potential therapist
2. List the types of therapies/therapists are out there (like Freudian, CBT, EMDT, etc.), how they work and which issues they address
3. What we should expect from our therapist & therapy (for example, do they just listen & nod or do they offer advice?)
Thank you.

By wistful1347 May 29, 2008

thanks for the advice!!

By sanityseeker May 29, 2008

tip 5 is a great one to find out if you've got a crappy therapist. I had one who spent most of the sessions complaining about his life. He didn't like the office building we were in, didn't like the commute, the parking, the other office he was in, the doctors he worked with, he complained about his other patients. He complained about how late my appointments were and what day they were on because I was his last appt. on his "early day." He didn't like what I wore to appts.I came straight from work, he said I dressed "too formally" and should change my clothes in another, empty office before our appts.

Yes, I dropped him by the fourth or fifth appt. His response was to send me a letter saying I was a failure in life and always would be unless I returned immediately to therapy with him. I don't think so.

By Mira May 29, 2008

good advice thank you have been in therapy a long time been through 4 therapists switched to 1 and then switched back to the other one that i was seeing beacuse the one i switched to didn't seem to care about my needs they weren't being met to were the one that i'm seeing now is very caring and we establish goals that i need to acomplish gives me homework along with everything else the other 2 that i have seen moved to a different state or town thanks again for the advice

By rachelle403 May 29, 2008

good advice ty

By toria53 May 28, 2008

I've been in therapy for a l-o-n-g time and these tips are right on the money!!!

By OHFLTNteacher May 28, 2008

Hello,
Thanks so much for the info. It's really insightful. I am a nursing student, and what you have written, I read in my text books. lol. But yes, you're definetly right saying all of this. I'm glad that other people can read it too!!
When I did my internship as a massage therapist, most of the time I had to play the role of a counselor because people would share very personal things with me. And often times they would start asking about my personal life as well which I was instructed not to share because of the very specific relationship I had to maintain with my clients/patients. So I definelty understand the whole picture.
Again, thank you for sharing.

By skj May 28, 2008

Hi thank you so much for posting this. After going through a lot of stuff and seeking help etc., I've realized that, like you said there, the job of a psychologist is not to offer (quick) fixes to someone's problem; nor is his job to take away emotional pain. He is there to help in the process of our psychological growth so that one day we can grow on our own. I've come to understand that there's always going to be problems in life (in the past, at present, and in the future) and a therapist can't fix them all. His job is to help us acquire the ability to try and fix how we feel in face of problems on our own. And this kind of growth is painful, and so we need this kind of "growing pains" in order to grow. And so, in this sense, a good psychologist empowers instead of fixes. If I walk out of his office feeling empowered even though nothing specific is fixed, then it's so worth it because then I've gotten the confidence to face problems and try to fix them myself. And so at this point I know that I have "graduated" and that (part of) the goal of therapy is reached. And I've also learned that understanding this will make therapy much more enjoyable and effective. Thanks again and take care, -- Snow

By SnowHeart May 28, 2008

I don't understand why I am so sensitive and why am I perceived as controlling. Have been divorced for 15 yrs. Ihave a live in partner and have issues and for the first time I don't know what to do or how to handle them or even to act. I just clam up and become quiet and think and think and think. I don't know why I always feel so hurt and take criticism so hard. Is it my past or maybe my guilt of my childhood or am I at the point of crazy. My children now grown 18,20,and 22 say that if it wasn't for the way I was that would have not turned out as well. I had regret with the divorce but I still am concerned with the needs of my children and their father and I try to help out as much as I can. If not monetary If they are onthe wrong track I talk with them and get them to see where they need to correct. They have not said that I am wrong and they eventually say thank you.

By irmajean May 28, 2008

THANK YOU FOR INFO. IM IN COUNSELING..THANKS AGAIN

By hurtsobad May 28, 2008

This is interesting especially as I want to become a therapist some day as well as need to go to therapy at some point. At first I thought the article was going to be about things you should hide (just my tendancy I guess) but it turned out to be helpful.

By samjo06 May 28, 2008

My husband hates going to marriage counseling and will say things like "How can this be helping when I feel like crap afterwards? Aren't we supposed to be feeling better?" I tell him it's like going to the gym. You get tired and sore, but it makes you healthier. He doesn't like the "accountablility " aspect at all. But then, he's the cheater, so it's like he's always under attack.

By pianogirl May 28, 2008

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