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Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles. Her areas of focus include: depression, anxiety, panic, post-traumatic stress, bipolar…
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Stepping into a therapist's office for the first time takes courage. In fact, the decision can be so stressful that some people wait until they are in crisis and/or have exhausted all others ways of trying to solve their problems. But, once on the "couch," relief sets in as they realize that therapy is a worthwhile investment of time and money. Yet, often a client may unknowingly sabotage their own treatment.
Freud called this "resistance." While resistance does occur, I have found that some client's just don't understand how to make the most out of their therapy sessions. Even a well trained therapist can't detour a client from wasting valuable session time if that client is determined (consciously or unconsciously) to talk about everything other than the core issues that brought them to therapy in the first place.
Now it is normal for client's to veer off track from time to time and adjunct stories are often a relevant part of the therapeutic process. However, taking a mindful and focused approach to your therapy may help you resolve issues sooner and leave therapy with a higher degree of satisfaction. To get you on the road to productive psychotherapy check out these 5 things never to tell your shrink:
1. " Fix me!" Part of the healing process involves accountability. If you walk into a therapist's office expecting them to do all the work you will leave sorely disappointed. Of course, a therapist should take an active role in the therapy but as a client you need to take an equally active role. Take the approach that therapy is work and that you have a job to do.
2 Random stories: One of my most respected mentors told me that ". . . your clients will take you on a walk in the garden and show you all the flowers and do everything they can to avoid talking about why they are really there. In other words: Avoidance. Time is money, especially in therapy. And therapy is not cheap. Some shrinks charge upwards of $200 per 50 minute session. So, make every minute count! Catch yourself if you start to drift of topic. Your therapist may be very skilled at corralling you back but do you really want to spend your entire session having your shrink chase you down? If you notice yourself veering off tell your therapist that you are having a hard time staying focused. Sharing that with your therapist could lead to an insightful and meaningful session.
3. "You haven't helped me:" Now granted there are a few just plain old bad therapists out there but generally most therapists are well trained and put effort and skill into helping clients resolve their issues. If you have spent a lot of time in therapy with a competent therapist without noticing progress you may need to look in the mirror versus pointing a finger towards your shrink. Your therapist may be giving you wonderful tools but if you don't implement them they become meaningless. Remember your work doesn't stop when the 50 minutes are up. Also, if you do try to implement the tools but are unsuccessful, let your therapist know so the two of you can rework them.
4. "Let's have lunch:" A therapist/client relationship is unique. It can feel like a good friendship except that one friend never talks about themselves. If you were to socialize with your therapist it would taint your work together. Successful therapy depends on the therapist having a neutral stance and remaining a bit of an outsider in your social world. It doesn't mean that a therapist doesn't care about you. On the contrary, most are totally invested in you getting well that they would never jeopardize the therapy by crossing that line.
5. "Tell me about your problems:" A therapist must be careful what they self-disclose to their clients. If they share too much about themselves the therapy then becomes about the therapist and not the client. If you are dying to know personal information about your therapist there may be an underlying reason. And uncovering that reason may be valuable to the therapy. Have a discussion about your interest in knowing personal information about your therapist rather than the personal information itself. That way the work will stay focused on you.
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1. take as much responsbility in success as possible
2. stay on track. make the most of your time and remember there are many more ppl needing professional help than helpers. accept the relatively low availablility and high demand
3. be patient. "excersize" your capacity for patience as much as possible. to become a more patient person, ANY frusterating situation is an "oppurtunity", remember that. more patience is just the tip of the iceberg on similar hidden "oppurtunities."
4. minimize uneccessary conflict risks. in terms of stability and productivity, personal relationships are risky. conflicts happen in relationships. you are here for professional help, not a personal friendship. keep professional and personal lives seperate. also applies to religious, political, cultural conflict. minimize the risks by avoiding unncessecary conflicts.
5. stay on track variant. therapists are human and have problems too, but you are paying for their ability to identify and improve YOUR problems. helping you is whats most important, they can get their own professional therapists if theyd like.
I try to recognize all my emotional, mental and medical problems and get as much help as I can for all of them. And, I am very open to others about my pain problems, without going on and an, and always revert back to my positive thinking which helps with everyone's health and well-being.
Thank you so much for this article as it does affect many of us who have difficulty communicating with a therapist or even be willing to see one in the first place.
Remember this fact; We have been sexually molested and we are victims of all sorts of hideous assault, from early childhood on, many times by the very people who bore us. We are not to be classed with some one seeking $200 a counselor hour 'couch time' because they just broke up with a steady boyfriend.
Validation. It's all about simple validation, either individually or in groups, publicly or privately with other people who can express how unwanted sex with an unwanted person creates stress to them. Please don't confuse this because it does not resolve with money.
My advice; Always check credentialing of ALL potential practitioners with your states board of registry and NEVER let an individual override your instinct for safety. Therapeutic sexual assault and abuse is a REAL fact.
Tom S. in Tn.
We tried to go to one last summer and it was the disaster. The counselor kept looking at his clock the entire time making us feel as if he'd rather be somewhere else. We gave it two tries and gave up.
Sometimes going 'off topic' can bring useful insights into a patients motivation or background. Lists like this make me question the entire psychotherapy profession.
The point of therapy is to be able to tell everything without fear of being judged.
Having said that, I agree - 4 and 5, suggesting "lunch" or asking about the therapist's troubles are absolute 'no-no's'.
I disagree with the first 3, however. "Fix me" may not be what the therapist can do but he/she needs to know what you expect from therapy. Otherwise how can they tell you what they can and cannot do for you.
Random stories may well be an avoidance mechanism. They can also be telling about what you are trying to avoid. For sure, going through your day and telling what you did each and every second is a time waster, but "Oh that reminds me of the time when I was a child and we went to granny's house and...." may be rife with unknown meaning for both the client and the therapist.
Saying "You haven't helped me." lets the therapist know how you are feeling abut the progress of the therapy. How else can they make the suggestions as to seeking out someone else, or that you are not doing the work you need to do?
The author seems to put a majority of the responsibility on the client. If the client was so able to see into themselves and their behavior they most probably would not be seeking therapy.
The therapist is not a clairvoyant. He/she does not know if you feel unhelped, or want to be fixed, as opposed to creating a therapeutic relationship.
The road less taken, i.e. stories that may seem irrelevant on their face, may be very important in helping the therapist to understand you, as a whole person and not merely the one facet of you that you bring to the session or your reason for seeking help.
I have moved 1000 miles away where i had a great therapist. I had been w/ for almost 2yrs. She really helped me get alot straightened out.
After the move, I have found that I needed to go back for awhile and Im not sure how to handle my current counselor. Im usually her late appt and not sure how to relate w/ her because she doesnt say very much at all, and not to sound mean, but she just twirls her hair.. For this reason I havent called to reschedual our appt in seveal weeks. Instead I have spent more time here, and also went to visit the Pastor of the church. Funny, I went to visit him for one hour, and he didnt preach to me about religion, and was able to communicate & give more insight than I have experienced in more than 6 months w/ the counselor. I dont know what to do.
Even the meds Dr I see seems more helpful.. he says he wished he could do therapy w/ me because he knew he could be helpuful, and understanding to my background. However, he can only do meds. Too bad, because both him & the pastor had alot of insight.