The Spanking Debate Continues by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Advisors

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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The Spanking Debate Continues

Posted in Anger Managemen... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Sep 29, 2009

For quite some time now parents have been counseled not to spank their children. Social scientists have reported everything from depression and anxiety to aggressive behaviors being evidenced in children who are regularly spanked as a form of discipline. For decades psychologists doled out advise about how to use spanking in a productive way. We have come a long way since that was the parenting method of choice. Yet surprisingly there is still some debate on the subject. While the majority of child development specialist counsel against spanking there are still some holdouts that recommend the practice.

Robert Larzelere, associate professor of human development and family services at Oklahoma State University, reports from his research on the subject that spanking was in fact an effective tool and seemed to work better in curbing negative behavior than 10 of 13 alternative disciplinary methods. His research focused on children between ages 2 to 6 years.

Countering Larzelere's observations are many other social psychologists including Susan Newman who is the author of "Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day." She and others maintain that parents should not resort to spanking at any age and that there are many other preferable forms of discipline.

Research has provided us with enough information about the efficacy of spanking as a useful disciplinary tool. We have learned that children who are spanked at an early age tend to act out in more physical ways then children who are not. Adults who were spanked as children tend to spank their own children more often than those who were not. This makes perfect sense because it is the only form of discipline that is intuitive to them. It is what they know. It is also clear that the parent-child relationship suffers as a result of using spanking as the chosen form of discipline. It decreases trust of the parent by the child and encourages avoidance of punishment which can lead to sneaky behavior.

I recognize that there are two sides to this debate but I can honestly say that I have never advised, nor will I ever counsel parents to use spanking as a punishment. There are simply too many other options. Parents get frustrated and exasperated and in the end spanking is more about the parent's feelings then it is about an effective means of discipline. Having tools to deal with a child's misbehavior and having readily available consequences can help a parent to feel empowered and to regain control when their child is acting out. This is easier said than done but in the long run I feel strongly that the act of spanking can in some case be a slippery slope to more abusive behavior.

This topic can be a heated one among clinicians and parents, each side clinging fast to a strongly held belief about the practice. It would be interesting to hear from members here at DS about their ideas and practices on the subject. Just a note about that request: please respect other's opinions and comments and refrain from personal attacks. There is room for healthy debate on the subject.

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CATEGORIES: News

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anger Management • Anxiety • Anxiety Disorders in Children • Child Support & Custody • Children Of Divorced Parents • Conduct Disorder • Depression • Depression in Children • Family Issues • Gay Parenting • Grandparents Raising Children • Healthy Relationships • Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) • Parenting Big Kids (5-8) • Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) • Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) • Parenting Teenagers (12-18) • Parenting Toddlers (1-3) • Parents of Children with ADHD • Single Dads • Single Parenting

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Displaying comments 86-67 of 86

I'd also like to point out that many people have suffered emotional and physical abuse at the hands of their parents and "turned out fine", but it doesn't prove that it's a good idea.

By Spiky Jun 26, 2012

The problem is how to get a child to realize they are in danger. One of mine choose to pull plugs out of the wall all the time. I reached the end of my rope with worry and wasted discipline methods. One day I followed the diapered toddler around and smacked the hand with the plug. Three times was all it took before the child paused and looked at the hand and walked away.
That was the one and only time I used any sort of anything close to "spanking".

I think we have to use every resource at our disposal to protect our children from harm.

By Harpie Apr 26, 2012

"I feel strongly that the act of spanking can in some case be a slippery slope to more abusive behavior." I agree with this statement personally, but I do think it's important that if people choose to spank their kids, that they be aware of the difference between corporal punishment and out-of-control physical attacks. However, many proponents of spanking resist any advice or criticism because they feel no one has a right to tell them how to raise their kid. It's this stubbornness that makes the situation more difficult to address. Luckily there are at least laws against child abuse and neglect.

By Spiky Apr 07, 2012

One comment. And I cannot find one stronger: http://alice-miller.com/index_en.php.

By Starduster28 Mar 08, 2012

Some of the most obedient, controlled children I've ever met have never been physically disciplined even once. It just proves that a parent's influence can carry incredible power that doesn't require physical punishment or even restraint. In some cases, I think that even verbal or subtler forms of authoritarianism and manipulation can be abusive and damaging, so it's a difficult question to answer. I think if nothing else physical punishment can be a sign of weakness on the parent's part, because I know for a fact many kids are thinking "when I'm big enough this isn't going to work anymore -- how are you going to stop me then?" I do think there is an important distinction to be made between systematic, consistently administered corporal punishment vs. the parent losing their temper and smacking their kid around because they can't deal anymore (as others have pointed out, drinking exacerbates this behavior). Witnessing a parent losing control is never good for a child.

By Spiky Dec 07, 2011

I totally agree with Cyndi's observation that spanking can lead to "avoidance of punishment" or "sneaky" behavior. Spanking was commonplace when I was little, and because I was a fairly rambunctious child, I certainly got my share of it. But when my mother would say "Don't ever let me catch you doing that again," I took that advice at face value. That's not to say that I stopped participating in whatever activity she was upset about; I just took care not to get CAUGHT at it. And when I got locked into my room, I learned very early on how to unfasten the window screens to escape.

But did I turn into a criminal? Well, I have amassed a single speeding ticket in my lifetime (for doing 42 in a 35 zone) and that's the extent of my legal record. I graduated with honors from a world-class university and held a highly technical job for 30 years (now retired). I spanked my own kids - rarely - and they turned into productive, law-abiding citizens.

By madbookworm Oct 24, 2011

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By raagadeepthi Aug 25, 2011

I am so sick of books telling me how to be a parent. Yes my daughter has gotten a crack on the behind. She isn't a raging mad child for it. She got the point...stop the behavior your doing.

My daughter has never been that child to run around a store or scream yell and kick till she got her way because I do not "reason" with her or try to "negotiate". Tough love but I'm the adult and your to the child, the child listens to the adult. It's a tough concept for parents this generation. And when the child is bad what does everyone assume it is? ADHD!

By jake4 Jun 27, 2011

My siblings were spanked, whenever they "needed it".
They have the tendency to act in an aggressive, and if they feel it "needs to be" violent manner.
I was the only child not spanked. I do not act in aggresive or violent ways.
Children do not have to be spanked to learn. Consistent discipline will teach a child that there are consequences.
Many children are lacking discipline, and still being spanked.

By page Feb 12, 2010

I agree that the problem is not the spanking itself. My parents beat, slapped, kicked, etc, and CALLED it spanking. They would say, "Well, yes, I spank my kids," when it had precious little to do with our behavior, and far more to do with what kind of mood they were in. Or if Daddy had been drinking.

On top of that, there are those who assume only two options exist. Either spank, or don't discipline at all. I've seen it a lot at shelters for homeless people, or battered women. "They have a rule against spanking here--but I'm not going to let my kid run over me!" (promptly smacks a toddler for whining to be held.) Meanwhile, someone else is silently watching her child draw on the walls, etc, because "you can't spank your kids here." It is not a matter of either-or. You can discipline without spanking.

By raybray Dec 16, 2009

Each child should be educated and brought up according to its own way. This means that for some kids it is effective and for some it isn't. Some kids can be reasoned with and some can't. Personally, I disciplined my kids according to their personalities. I had one kid who only understood that if he did wrong it was to be a spanking because nothing else worked with him. With my middle one, you only needed to explain what the problem was and he would comply. It would have been cruel to use harsh punishment on the middle one and ineffective to try to reason with the stubborn one. We do what works. If it is necessary it should be used as constructively as possible and only if nothing else works.

By zybasima Nov 23, 2009

To SentientParadox

Glad you got this off of your chest! Whew!

Big surprise your kids haven't accused you of being abusive -gee let's think about this -because they fear you! I grew up with adoptive parents who were strict disciplinarians (used belts, etc) -and my dad has anger management issues. I at the age of 39 have major PTSD over this...

So great that you can live with your "decision"....good for you! Glad that you don't care about the future outcome of your children. I am sickened to read your post -anyone who abuses children in my mind is just sick.

By healingslowly Nov 09, 2009

I was spanked as a child. My father would use his belt, my mother used wooden spoons. As an adult, I have a lot of anger issues and feel tempted to hit people when I don't get my way. I still wince when my mother raises her voice at anyone, and I'm so terrified of my father and my stap-dad that I don't ask them for anything, and at 28 years old, I STILL tiptoe past them when I even sense a hint of anger for any reason. I refuse to spank my son, but my husband used to see nothing wrong with it. That was until our 6 year old son started hitting, kicking, and grabbing me VERY hard when he didn't get his way. Since my husband changed his discipline methods, our son's actions have changed as well. Spanking causes a lot of emotional damage in a lot of people. Some people may not have had lasting effects, but many people do. Since there is no way to know which children will be permanently effected by this and which ones won't, I say it's best to not risk it and not spank at all.

By MyMiniMonk Nov 03, 2009

I was raised with a firm hand and a paddled bottom if I was being bad...so were both my children. I used it as a last resort to curb unwanted behavior. I received compliments from strangers on how well behaved my children were. They are both grown now...they love me immensly and are well rounded stable contibuting citizens.
Spanking a child is a form of capitol punishment just as we have if you break the law as an adult. If done in anger then its child abuse. Sitting down with a 3 year old and trying to reason with him that putting cereal in the DVD player is not good just doesn't work! To the 3 year old mindset...if I put cereal in the DVD player my dad will talk to me...or my dad will spank my butt. I ask you which is more of a deterrent?

By RamboSquirrel Oct 14, 2009

i was a child who got spanked and when i got spanked that escalated to other stuff and i have a lot of problems now

By hunterjumper Oct 12, 2009

Hi

I have raised 4 children. I did use spanking and I have no regrets.It wasn't an every day thing.It was used as a consequence for very serious wrong doings. I had an incicdent where my eldest daughter locked her brother into a closet and turned the light out on him. It scared him so much he wet himself. I had him change out and I gave her his wet clothing to wash -by hand.

I know that sounds cruel, but she never did that again and she never forgot.She needed to understand that mind games were cruel and that there would be a consequence for them.

I ran things more as a "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" environment. All four have grown up to be very polite and loving people.I would dare to say they are more sensitive to other's needs and none have been in trouble. All are productive and educated people and I coudn't be prouder.

By Keleclectic Oct 11, 2009

spanking is the right way if done in a proper manner Gods word says to spare not the rod and fear not for the weeping for it teaches them wisdom.now if God is for spanking who are we to say it is wrong .

By 6845655 Oct 11, 2009

I think we talk to much about "spanking." There are miriade ways that parents abuse their children that don't involve touching them. Many of them accepted by society. Spanking is a red herring, in my opinion.

By hoops Oct 08, 2009

Another comment regarding raising children without spanking....

I raised my daughter with the thought that she is an intelligent human being. I talked to her about things going on in life. We played games and watched movies and had fun growing up!

When she got into trouble (usually provoked by other kids), I would ask her why she did that? And then get HER to clean up the mess.

I never spanked her. And she was always a happy child.

When she was 11, I had gone back to college and then got an after school job there helping out in the evening program. So I would go get her from home after classes and bring her to work with me.

I'd set her in front of a computer and let her play with it (we are geeks BTW! LOL). My accounting teacher came in and started chatting with her while I worked.

Later my accounting teacher mentioned that she had never met such an intelligent polite child of that age!

Well, I never treated my daughter (of her age) like a little girl. I treated her as an intelligent person. And she rose to the occasion.

Children will become what you expect of them. They are very intelligent so treat them as intelligent beings. When they take a wrong path, help guide them to the right path by talking about the consequences and be on their side to fixing the problem. Even little ones... single words like"oweee" to demonstrate something that will hurt them would explain more of what they have to avoid.

Communication, not physical confrontation, will teach more. Of course, if there is a more immediate danger, GRAB THE KID! But otherwise talk to them as the intelligent human being they are.

By geekygranny Oct 07, 2009

Spanking can get YOU in trouble with the LAW!

My son in law was helping out a disabled friend whose boys were setting fires. The boys nearly burned down the house when they caught the drapes on fire. He tried talking to them until he was blue in the face (he has three kids himself). He hated to but resorted to spanking them and had to since the "dad" who lives elsewhere and was not dealing with this.

Next thing he knew the ex-sister in law of the boys' father called the police and had him arrested for child abuse and on top of that they arrested my daughter for having a slightly messy house and called that child endangerment.

Ever since then, they have been under constant harrassment from the police. My daughter lost a well paying job is now hunting for another (in this market!), and they are at risk of losing their house because of the invasion and overkill and exaggeration and lies of the police report.

I know what the condition of the house is in and it was not dangerous.

My grandkids are now traumatized at being hauled away to strangers houses. And every time a stranger comes to the house they run and hide.

According to the Health and Welfare, spanking is a major NO NO!! And is considered child abuse.

Their house is inspected every month. They really have to toe the line. They are under probation for the next two years. And you can bet that the law enforcement will find some way to extend that again! On top of all this, they have amassed huge debt to their lawyers, Health and Welfare foster system, and the jail program (they have to pay for being in jail!!). Plus the regular debt they have been trying to control.

My daughter and son il absolutely ADORE their children and interact with them constantly. The kids are in no way neglected. I babysit them from time to time and they are healthy, active, polite, and outgoing kids. The neighborhood mothers love to send their kids over. That should mean something shouldnt it???

Bushy (as my grandkids call me-Polish for grandma)

By geekygranny Oct 07, 2009

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