The Importance of a Father's Presence by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Advisors

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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The Importance of a Father's Presence

Posted in Parenting Big K... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Dec 14, 2011

I have written many articles about Motherhood and parenting, from the perspective of a female. There is so much in literature about women and children to draw from and I happen to be a mom myself. So I thought I’d say a few words with regard to the fathers out there. It isn’t just women’s roles that have changed over the last several decades; but men too have seen an evolution of sorts, and for some, it hasn’t always been easy.

As the dividing lines between the traditional roles of mom and dad become ever blurrier, some dads have been left wondering where they fit in. Many women now provide financially for the family, along with their partners, but have been reluctant to let go of control of the household. So often I hear women complaining about how their mate handles various situations with the kids such as meals and clothing - traditionally within the mom’s domain. These women often adopt the attitude of, “If I want it done right, I’ll do it myself.”

This is a very unfortunate and alienating stance to take; and one that often leaves fathers feeling helpless, and uncertain about their role. Another possible side effect of moms taking over; is that some dads opt out of the equation altogether.

We know from numerous studies that children who are raised without a father (or second parent) in the home are more likely to suffer in a number of ways. Studies have shown poorer academic performance, increase in drug use, higher incidence of obesity, and earlier sexual behavior among those children who have an uninvolved father. This is a sad, but very real, statistic.

As mothers, it is incumbent upon us to assist and allow the fathers of our children to find their knack for parenting. This means releasing some of the control we have traditionally wielded over the household. It means presenting a united front for the children that begins to erode at the stereotypes of father as the provider and disciplinarian, and mother as the only caretaker.

There is certainly nothing wrong with maintaining traditional roles; as long as everyone is in agreement, and both parents feel comfortable and desirous of their role. Communication about these issues, prior to having children, is the key to a successful division of labor among parents.

- Cyndi

Now it seems like there are posts complaining about the fathers, so I wanted to post something positive. Not a day goes by where I don't appreciate what I have! My DH ended up being a stay at home dad (just worked out that way, he was in between jobs) an Posted on 02/05/09 04:06:27 pm

deal with my son not having his father around. I deal with a job that dosent pay enough so that makes me have to depend on my mom for alot. I was in a emotionally abusive realtionship with his father for 2 yrs and i am still dealing with the scars from th Posted on 11/20/11 09:31:56 pm

Now that we have fallen in love and are talking potential future plans, she is struggling with the commitment of my two kids. I am not asking her to help me raise them, only to love me and them and be good to them when she is around them, which she does. Posted on 10/31/11 05:30:41 pm

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Whenever I see articles like this about how important a father is in the home, I usually have two things to say 1. what if there are two parents and both are substance abusers...how good will the child be then? 2. They have not actually proved this theory beyond a shadow of a doubt because there are some children who grew up without a father and they turned out fine...much more so than some children with two parent families...but for some reason, nobody actually mentions this....why is beyond me.

By Tondalaya Matthews Jul 09, 2012

i find with my spouse that she wants handle all the problems around the house and doesn't want me to interject at all. After many years of bucking this trend I'm finally settling back and not saying a word. Are my kids well rounded and Okay - absolutely not - but what choice was i given

By shoreguy Mar 15, 2012

I agree about division of roles before a child and that the father is important. My husband and I went through marriage counseling before we got married and it is amazing even after 4 years how much we revert to what we learned there. I think the important thing is that we divided the work load there and when one spouse was uncomfortable with what they were doing we can talk and switch what we need to.
When we did get pregnant we both talked about his importance in her life and laid down an outline for how we wanted to parent. Both of us grew up with only one parent and we both know that it is better for her if we are both there.

By mbean1124 Dec 20, 2011

Fathers shouldn't be allowed to be so strict with girls. I think it's stupid when men say & it's laughed at that their going to keep their daughter in her room till she's 30. Deep down, I think fathers really mean that. This way of thinking leads a girl to:

Studies have shown poorer academic performance, increase in drug use, higher incidence of obesity, and earlier sexual behavior among those children who have an uninvolved father. This is a sad, but very real, statistic.

By energylost Dec 19, 2011

OLD-FASHIONED dysfunctional cultural rules also place more RULES for girls than boys. Especially in the Mexican culture where a girl must take along another sibling to go out on a date.
Why is it that in every culture there R more rules for girls/women than men!! Usually a mother has no say-so in this rule. Other cultures think this is an odd way of thinking AND it is!!

By energylost Dec 19, 2011

Children who have old-fashioned, dysfunctional parents also are likely to suffer the same as the study pointed out.

Old-fashioned, dysfunctional parents DO NOT LIKE CHANGE and do not believe in being resourceful in looking around to see what kind of behavior is normal when raising children!!

By energylost Dec 19, 2011

I totally agree. Also, speaking from personal experience, I think parents in traditional roles give the father "a way out." My mom shrieked at him for years saying nothing he did was good enough, and he was a stranger to his children. So one day, he just left. I have spoken to him maybe 4 times in 18 years, and not all in the last 15. Sometimes you get what you wish for mom. I know, a little off topic, but its whats the article brought up.

By watergirl77 Dec 15, 2011

hello all

By crocweb02 Dec 15, 2011

As mothers, it is incumbent upon us to assist and allow the fathers of our children to find their knack for parenting. This means releasing some of the control we have traditionally wielded over the household. It means presenting a united front for the children that begins to erode at the stereotypes of father as the provider and disciplinarian, and mother as the only caretaker.

I agree 100%

By sboffoli Dec 14, 2011

Being a single father, I am very happy without a mother in the home but now that my daughters older and needs that mother figure it backfires. Too many mums are being too...controling and not allowing the dad to be apart of the child raising process.

Honestly speaking, I believe my daughter turned out by far smarter, more loved, more educated about life and the world, ect living in a house with a young single dad(and a few uncles) in the military then she could have ever gotten from a single mother.

By jake4 Dec 14, 2011

As a psychotherapist, you should know very well that it is not the absence of a father that can lead children to "suffer," as you put it. You are surely aware of the studies done on children of lesbians. The title of your article is clearly misleading.

By alirose315 Dec 14, 2011

I'd also like to call you out. Shame on you for implying it's the mother's fault that some fathers "opt out" of parenting. You don't think they have enough on their plates without some judgmental comment like that? When fathers "opt out" it shows a substantial character flaw within THEM, not with their former partners.

By directingpond Dec 14, 2011

I concur with the intent of this article, but two words in the article concern me greatly. You encourage women to "assist" and "allow" the fathers to be involved with their children.

The word 'allow' implies to me that a father's involvement parenting their children is at the approval of the mother. The word 'assist' is used in a less offensive way, but it caries the impression that it is the mother's way that is the right way, and the mother needs to train the father in the correct way to be a parent.

I would hope that both parents would talk about all issues of child raising and come to a consensus about how they want to do it. There needs to be give and take on both sides.

By ThePepperMan Dec 14, 2011

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