Should You Tell Your Friend if You Know Their Mate is Cheating? by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Advisors

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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Should You Tell Your Friend if You Know Their Mate is Cheating?

Posted in Anxiety by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Jul 31, 2009

I recently read an interesting article on this topic. It was written by someone who had in fact revealed to her friend that her friend's boyfriend had actually made a pass at her. In this case the friend took her word for it and broke it off with the guy but the relationship didn't sound too serious or long term so the complications were few. This is a sticky situation to say the least. There is by no means a one size fits all answer here.

I remember years ago (decades ago in fact) telling a friend that her long term boyfriend was making passes at a friend of mine in an acting class they were in together. The boyfriend of course hadn't made the connection that this friend knew me and so he felt free to act without reservation. When confronted by my friend, the boyfriend denied the charges and the two remained together until he revealed himself in future situations that could not be denied. The friend and I remained pals but until her relationship ended with this man it was pretty uncomfortable.

There are a number of things to consider when making the choice to reveal this type of painful information. First, what is the nature of the relationship between the couple? Are they newly dating or in a long term (supposedly monogamous) commitment and are you clear about the boundaries of their relationship? Secondly, what is your relationship with your friend? Have there been past conflicts and is there a competitive element to the friendship? Thirdly, what is your best guess, knowing your friend as you do, about how he or she would react to such information? And lastly, how would you want the situation handled if the circumstances were in reverse and your friend was holding this information about your mate? In addition to these things you may also want to consider if holding the information is something you are comfortable with and if you will be able to maintain the friendship knowing what you know.

If you feel unable to hold the information but are reluctant to share it with your friend you may opt to confront the suspected cheater and give them the opportunity to reveal this information on their own. For instance, you can tell them that you have this information which you will reveal if they don't do so themselves. Sometimes the shame of finding out from a friend is too much to bear and causes people to become defensive. In this way your efforts to be a good friend can backfire, therefore by putting it all back onto the couple to work out their own issues you may be able to maintain the friendship and assist your friend at the same time.

As I mentioned there is no perfect way to handle this messy situation and I am certain many of you have had this experience in your lifetime. It is a very personal decision you must make when confronted with this dilemma and it can fill people with a great deal of angst. Your stories and suggestions are always helpful to the community. Is there something you did or said that you wish you hadn't? Is there a way you handled the situation that was effective and preserved your friendship? What are your thoughts on the matter?

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CATEGORIES: Tips

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anxiety • Breakups & Divorce • Depression • Family Issues • Healthy Relationships • Infidelity • Jealousy • Life After Divorce • Stress Management

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Displaying comments 40-21 of 40

As a friend, you absolutely should say something. When my ex cheated on me, I found out that three "friends" knew and told me nothing. We STILL aren't friends, because I can't trust them. I would approach the person cheating and tell them that they needed to tell, or I would.

By Mommy224 May 18, 2010

Absolutely, you are not a friend if you keep quiet. Its selfish not to say something. I would first approach the spouse who is cheating and let give them the ultimative: they say something, or I will. There might be a lost friendship due to the messanger, but in the long run, it will be appreciated.

By powergiver Apr 20, 2010

I often wondered about this. I feel like I would want to know what my friends know about my H as the old saying goes, the wife is the last one to know. However, I have a friend that is married to a man that I am familar with his past B4 and after marriage to her but yet do not have concrete proof of what he has done. Say something or not?

By tiredandconfused Mar 22, 2010

Yes, yes and yes. The sooner the better.

By Brownbuttafly Sep 24, 2009

One of the hardest things I had to deal with when my husband and I divorced was finding out that everyone knew for years what was happening and no one told me. I don't know what I would have done with this info. but I do know that I wouldn't have carried the burden of feeling stupid in front of my whole community.

By klar Aug 28, 2009

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the word cheating only applies if the couple is in a monogamous relationship. I find it hard to believe that people even entertain not telling their friend. If the friendship doesn't survive that is a risk well worth taking.
Consider the following;If the spouse is cheating they are likely to continue this behaviour. Most relationships don't survive admissions of infidelity. Your friend could very well be exposed to STI's, including aids. The truth comes out eventually.

Would you truly want your friend to waste their life with a partner who is unfaithful?

This is a no brainer people.

By BernieD Aug 11, 2009

I lived with my cousin, also my best friend (at the time) and her boyfriend years ago. They were very serious, probably together total of 3 years. Anyways, my cousin went out of town to visit her mother and I was left alone with her boyfriend. No, it wasn't me he cheated with! We went with some friends to a club and one of my friends and my cousin's boyfriend hooked up that night. They hooked up in my cousin's bed! Yuck! So when my cousin got back, I did tell her and do you know she didn't believe me! She convinced herself I was lying. Well I moved out and a couple of months later, her boyfriend got caught cheating with a completely different girl. It didn't end well at all. But no matter what I tried to tell her, she acted like it was my fault for keeping his secrets of his cheating. No preservation of friendship at all there because she told our family only her version and no one believed me, except my own mother of course. Moral here...for your own peace of my you should tell all to the right party. You don't want that on your soul do you? Wouldn't you want to know the truth, even if they had been married with children for years? I would.

By aprilandkids Aug 11, 2009

It is always a dilema, how do you stay a true friend and at the same time do not hurt friends feelings? Cindy, I think you are right, about comfronting the cheater. My friend dated a player, she lost many friendships, because of friends confessions. She lost him too, but friends never came back.

By Bestplayer Aug 08, 2009

The question asks: Should I tel MY FRIEND that her mate is cheating? My answer: I know, who I am and what my own values and standards are, and so do MY FRIENDS. Yes, as far as in my circle of environment, I would not lower those standards, as I have come to far to justify my own being.

I feel, as long as I can justify my own actions and behaviors, I have done right to what I feel is my belief in the well-being of my friend. Of course, I am no longer afraid to stop the situation in it's tracks and make it known publicly to anyone around nor have that confront that person with the situation in the precense of my friend.

Every situation may different for all, it is what one is ready to do in their situation. Build on the strengths they have.

By it2speaks Aug 07, 2009

This is so timely. My friend since 3rd grade has over the last year became involved with my cousin. This is a cousin who has had ongoing drug problems, at 50+ still lives in his parents home, etc. She became reacquainted with him when she attended his moms funeral with me about a year ago. She is a single mom of an adult daughter and was extremely critical of him and his past behavior until she became involved with him. Before they started to see each other I shared a story of the last time he dated a friend of mine and how he mentally and financially abused this lady. Anyway, he is so inappropriate and disrespectful of her when she is not around to anyone who will listen. He jokes about everything from her personal hygiene being subpar and her poor housekeeping to his ability to get her to give him money, and how out of control her daughter is. Whenever she attempts to stand up to him he threatens to stop seeing her and has done this in front of others.

She called me a few weeks ago and asked my opinion re how she could say no to him about money he was trying to get her to give him. My response was that she should not do anything she did not want to do and that romance tied to financial gain should be closely evaluated. However, I repeatedly told her it was her decision and she hung up saying she was going to think about it and decide what to do. The next thing I got was a phone call from him saying he had dumped her because she would not give him $120. Of course when she did not give him the funds he dumped her.

A week or so later she showed up at his home begging for his forgiveness and pointing to me as the person who wanted to break them up by getting her not to give him the funds. Ordinarily I would not have cared about what she said to him but this brought my family into the mess, was I really trying to break them up???

Needless to say our friendship of 40+ years has ended, my cousin/family and I continue to have the relationship we always had (a very good one actually) and he continues to degrade and humiliate her behind her back while getting her money and bragging about it. I continue to tell him his behavior is not OK but it is not my behavior to control. I can't tell if I am more embarrassed for her or angry at her. However, she was perfectly willing to offer up our friendship for this bum so I have attempted to let it go.

By llongley Aug 07, 2009

Do it anonymously if possible.....

By ADDbuster Aug 06, 2009

my hubby's brother is married we dont get along real well since he married her, several of my friends and their friends have told me when he is out drinking he tells people him n his wife are living seperate and getting divorced and flirts and trys to get them to have sex with him so far noone will tell her even though they know her too if i do she will think i'm doing so to be mean or just to cause trouble, she knows he cheated on all his past girlfriends and while living 2gether before marriage he didn't come home she found him at another girls house , so i feel unless i see it myself not just flirting i do that n my hubby is cool with it cause he knows i never believe cheating is okay , but she should have a clue and proly does but thinks she can pretend he doesn't cheat cause she is under the impression no one know about it, its her problem for allowing his behavior she sees it hears it but refuses to do anything about so she kinda deserves it cause she stays and puts up with it , once a cheater always a cheater when allowed to get away with so no i wouldn't get involved she is a trouble maker and tryin to tear my hubby's family apart

By sickntiredmom Aug 05, 2009

"Should" is the Great Guilt Word, isn't it? Do you believe that you have the right to control whether someone believes in the same philosophies you do for enjoying life? Do you want to share your beliefs about how you learned to enjoy life, or do you want to FORCE others share your beliefs? Before you tell your friend anything, be certain of your motivation to believe you have the right to do so. That's my opinion to share. Who sets the rules for enjoying life? If you don't like what someone else is doing, make sure you're not doing that if it doesn't make you happy. Once you've satisfied your need for happiness, you're done; allow others to do the same...or not. This IS a codependency site, remember? Keep learning the principles in order to heal.

By Richeart Aug 05, 2009

I think telling the cheater to come clean is the worst thing you could do, they cheat because they are comfortable lying and deceiving. Telling someone to come clean to the person they are deceiving is fraught with danger because the liar is likely to lie about you and quietly undermine you to your friend while you are in no position to defend yourself. Liars lie that is what they do. In my opinion informing your friend of their boyfriends misdemeanours allows that person a platform from which they can defend themselves from abusive behaviour. Knowledge is power.

By CoralL Aug 04, 2009

It depends. One of the reasons to make the big plunge and get married is vows legally and before God to hold no others. Vows made, tell on them. No vows made, none of your business. The exception is if kids are involved, then by all means tell.

By EasyM Aug 04, 2009

i mean touched

By Isolated83 Aug 04, 2009

Yes, It happened to me my best friend's husband youched my butt and I punched him and I told her about it of course she didnt beleive me we fought and she took his word over mines. She called me a name of course and till this day we talk but the relationship isnt the same, we been friends over 10yrs. her husband denies the incident and I cant stand him! So im to the point now of breaking the friendship becuz he's a dog, he treats her like crap, accuses her of cheating..I told her she deserves better, but I think imma let her be, plus she has kids with him so it's sad how women allow their unfaithful spouses to come btwn their friendships...

By Isolated83 Aug 04, 2009

"The thruth will set you free"; free of people that are not worth your time, of lingering in a relationship that its useless, of dishonest people. Lately people are getting tired of the way things are being run here but no one wants to sacrifice their "comfort" place for sincerity and honesty, no one wants to come face to face with reality and tell it like it is. It looks like we are dealing with a bunch of children that can't find out about the THRUTH because of some kind of trauma, (Hence our dear megpie). For the people that tries to follow Christ (like me) honesty is the best policy; yes, it might hurt, it may make us angry, depressed, dissapointed and God knows what else, but at the end its open: Nobody talking behind our backs, feeling sorry or happy for that matter. Then we can have a decision, a direction. If you are the victim you should be proud that its not you the one that failed (Hillary Clinton) and that you have someone that its strong enough to tell you on your face, as nicely as possible, what you in the middle of this "earthly" funny, love could not see.
Let me add a couple things to the case: If the victim cooperated with this dilemma in any way, it should be our duty also to suggest help from a professional or a marriage counselor and a possible forgiveness act where both parties could compromise and learn from the situacion.
And last: Sometimes proof its unattainable, therefore wives & girlfriends take the doubt and investigate without making notice or compromising your source. This way the lier will be exposed without scandal.
NG

By Guedj9 Aug 03, 2009

No Way!!! That is not your place to say anything! It will be ugly--and it will all end up on you... love is a funny thing.

Once my ex sister-in-law told me that she cheated on my brother (she's also a liar, so who knows if that was actually true) But there was NO WAY I was telling my brother!! He realized she sucked, and that's why she's my EX sister-in-law.

By megpie Aug 03, 2009

i told a friend (he and his wife are also best friends of my husband and I) that his wife was cheating on him. Both my husband and I had proof.

she of course denied it...he is blinded by love and chose to believe her over us. Thus, husband and I both lost our best friends.

i would never again tell someone. even if I literally walked in and witnessed the act in progress. it's not my concern. he will eventually figure it out on his own.

By ldmay0426 Aug 03, 2009

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