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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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Parenting and Sexuality: What Messages Do You Send Your Children About Sex?
Everyone family looks a little bit different and every parent has their own comfort level when it comes to discussing sexuality with their children. There is a great deal of information out there from parenting specialists about how to talk to kids about sex.
Specialists outline the basic guidelines of giving age-appropriate information, answering questions honestly and directly and creating a safe environment for your child to ask those questions. These are all helpful tips and ones that parents should heed as they venture into this inevitable part of parenting.
But the reality is that the messages parents give to their children about sexuality are often much more covert then the simple delivery of information and those messages are the ones that children carry with them into adulthood.
From the early days of infancy we are teaching are children about touch. We hold our newborns, kiss and cuddle them. In general, most people are relatively comfortable showing physical affection to babies. As children grow they become able to reciprocate affection and how that affection is received by their parents is very significant. These early messages about touch will later translate into adult feelings which can determine one’s comfort level giving and receiving affection.
Some families are simply more physically demonstrative than others and of course there is room for different styles, but any behavior in the extreme can lead to problems. Therefore, families that demonstrate inappropriate boundaries such as talking openly about sexual issues that are not age-appropriate in front of the children, engaging in inappropriate touch or, as in the worst case scenario, are sexually abusive, set their children up for a lifetime of struggle with regard to their own sexual beliefs and behavior.
On the other end of the spectrum are parents who withhold affection and limit physical contact with their children because of their own discomfort. This sends a message of disapproval and can leave children feeling empty or undeserving of affection.
Think about your own childhood. Were you comfortable with a parents touch? Did you see your parents hug and kiss openly? Were there overt or covert messages about sex that resonate with you to this day? Family is the place we learn to trust or mistrust, embrace or reject our own sexuality and those early messages are the seeds of information that color our life with regard to our most basic human desires.
- Cyndi
Specialists outline the basic guidelines of giving age-appropriate information, answering questions honestly and directly and creating a safe environment for your child to ask those questions. These are all helpful tips and ones that parents should heed as they venture into this inevitable part of parenting.
But the reality is that the messages parents give to their children about sexuality are often much more covert then the simple delivery of information and those messages are the ones that children carry with them into adulthood.
From the early days of infancy we are teaching are children about touch. We hold our newborns, kiss and cuddle them. In general, most people are relatively comfortable showing physical affection to babies. As children grow they become able to reciprocate affection and how that affection is received by their parents is very significant. These early messages about touch will later translate into adult feelings which can determine one’s comfort level giving and receiving affection.
Some families are simply more physically demonstrative than others and of course there is room for different styles, but any behavior in the extreme can lead to problems. Therefore, families that demonstrate inappropriate boundaries such as talking openly about sexual issues that are not age-appropriate in front of the children, engaging in inappropriate touch or, as in the worst case scenario, are sexually abusive, set their children up for a lifetime of struggle with regard to their own sexual beliefs and behavior.
On the other end of the spectrum are parents who withhold affection and limit physical contact with their children because of their own discomfort. This sends a message of disapproval and can leave children feeling empty or undeserving of affection.
Think about your own childhood. Were you comfortable with a parents touch? Did you see your parents hug and kiss openly? Were there overt or covert messages about sex that resonate with you to this day? Family is the place we learn to trust or mistrust, embrace or reject our own sexuality and those early messages are the seeds of information that color our life with regard to our most basic human desires.
- Cyndi
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As long as I can remember, my father casually walked around the house nude, indifferent to anyone's sense of propriety except his own. If my parents' marriage had been different, I may not have been affected the way I was, but my mother was so passive and there were few enough boundaries between us. As a result I was horrified when my parents discussed sexual matters or attempted to talk to me about sex, even if it was in a technically harmless context. I acted out by behaving promiscuously. It provided short-term relief from the sexual discomfort of being around my father, but I was reckless and didn't give myself the chance to explore sex at a leisurely pace with someone I respected. I also had terrible body image issues, and was convinced no guy would be interested in me unless I was sexually available right away. I think this, along with initial disgust about my physical feelings, was part of residual shame about my emerging sexuality stemming from my family situation.
By Spiky Dec 07, 2011
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