Marriage and Family Therapist
Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
My ex-husband is moving in with his second ex-wife, and I think their living together is wrong.
Posted in Breakups & Divo... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on May 25, 2010
"My ex-husband (whom I have been divorced from for 26 yrs) has just informed me that he is buying a house with his second ex-wife. So they will be moving in together. They have been divorced for about 8 yrs and have been dating about a year. I find this upsetting because they go to church weekly and I believe living together outside of marriage is wrong. How can I accept the fact that they will be living together this way? How can I express my feelings to him that I think he is making a big mistake?"

You were not explicit about the nature of your current relationship with your ex-husband of 26 years but what does seem clear is that this is no longer your concern. Since you have been apart for so long I am assuming you do not have small children with this man and therefore what he chooses to do, or not do, is out of your jurisdiction.

If you two are very close friends you can express your concerns and enter into an open conversation about the subject of cohabitating before marriage, but to have the expectation that he is going to alter his life based on your opinion is probably unrealistic. You can express your feelings honestly but without judgment and then accept his decision whether you approve of it or not. People can maintain a strong bond even when they agree to disagree.

I don’t know how your specific church views divorce, let alone cohabitation, but this is your ex-husbands third marriage so I am guessing he is not that concerned with adhering to all the mandates of his particular church (unless of course divorce is sanctioned but cohabitation is frowned upon). In terms of your acceptance I would suggest that you focus your energy on living a life that is true to your value system and be accepting that others should do the same.

- Cyndi

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I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this but this really none of your business.
By LucilleM  Jun 03, 2010
People, this isn't a real story, someone wrote it to get two people together. sad try
By dewounded  May 27, 2010
I want to add that it saddens my heart to see this kind of thing. It's the source of "Jesus freak" mentality and thinking that has led to our country being judged so harshly! We have indeed become a nation of heritics and hypocrites! People need to quit "bending" the words in the Good Book for their own needs and start practicing what they read instead!
By hissyspit01  May 27, 2010
I want to know if she is going to walk and squawk and drive them further into sin or if she is going to walk the walk and lead them by example towards the "Gates of Heaven"? She needs to remember that as she points a finger, that three of her fingers are pointing back at her! And let he who is without sin, cast the first stone! Tis better to try and love them as Jesus loves us and to lead away from sin as Jesus did by his examples!
By hissyspit01  May 27, 2010
What a Cad!
By smilinjack  May 27, 2010
Maybe in due time, after their trial reconciliation, they will marry again. But for now, it is a live and let live situation and it is his business. I am sure that when you were married to him you would appriciate that all of his decisino concerning you and him actually came from his heart. I would let them live their life. Having said that, unless you have children and grandchildren in common, you could tell him that you don't think shacking up is a good role model for your family and leave it at that. You don't want to start playing the role of meddling mother-in-law do you? You are just the ex-wife.

If he lets others run his life for him he will never learn to have a happy marriage with any woman.
By dailyfooddiaryuser  May 26, 2010
You seem to be focusing too much on his life. You cant force other people to live they way they should. In the Bible this is even made clear,

Luke 27:31

27 "He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

29 "Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

30 " 'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

31 "He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' "

The point is, even if you could prove your right in this case if he wants to do it, he will. Your worrying over it only steals your joy, as was suggested if you are friends say your piece then leave it alone and focus on the joy of life as God intended.
By vgates81  May 26, 2010
Oh! Good grief !!!!!
By jimbo222  May 26, 2010
"How can [you] express [your] feelings to him that [you] think he is making a big mistake?"

Very simple; you don't. Live and let live lady.

Religious fanatics always think they are the proverbial "hollier than thou" and forget that every time you point the finger at someone in criticism, you have THREE pointing back at you.

If you disagree, fine. Let G-d judge them; you're forbidden from judging "Judge not, lest thee be judged."
By salsaguy62  May 26, 2010
Really EASY solution here...Its called... MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS...
You have NO children that would be living there WITH them? If thats true, then why would you even for a second think that you have any right to say ANYTHING? Wow.
By lladyfairhair  May 25, 2010
this is 2010 and people are always living together without being married.i think everyone should live with someone for atleast a year before they get married. so many couples who dont live together before marriage get married and find out they cant get along living in the same house together and that they really didnt no each other like they thought they did. that is just my opinion.and sorry im not much of a speller.
By spiegelsteven  May 25, 2010
I would say, what others do is none of your business; concentrate on your own sins, church lady.
By OldManBear  May 25, 2010
I thought about my reply before I read what Cyndi had written. She had covered just about everything I was going to say! All I can think to say is that if this bothers you this much, then perhaps you need to sever ties with your ex. His actions are not a reflection of you.
By ThePepperMan  May 25, 2010
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