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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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It Was Only a One-Time Affair: Should I Tell?
Posted in Infidelity by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Jan 09, 2012
An article that appeared in US Weekly discussed Kyle Richard’s, of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” controversial statement about marriage and cheating. According to Kyle, who has been married to Mauricio Umansky for 17 years, if you have a one-time indiscretion, that doesn’t put your spouse in harms way, then you should keep it to yourself. She espoused these sentiments during her recent appearance on Good Morning America and understandably took some heat for her opinions. She even has a new book out that tells readers that if you cheat once, “you get a pass.”
Kyle believes that disclosing the information about the one-time affair may be more detrimental to the relationship than having to hold the secret. Certainly marriages have been ended after confessions have been made; but I contend that it is not the information itself that ends a marriage, but the general lack of trust and intimacy present in the relationship in the first place.
As a therapist who works with couples I can report that affairs, even one-time indiscretions, are almost always symptoms of a greater problem that exists within the relationship itself. Concealing what may seem like one little mistake is really avoiding the real issues, so the relationship may very well end anyway.
In addition, the old expression, “lies have little feet” applies well to this type of situation. Of the couples I have seen over the years, which have sought therapy because of an affair, all have had less of a challenge forgiving the act itself than forgiving the lying that accompanied it. Somehow, in some way, the truth usually comes out and the residue left by the lies can leave permanent scars.
Clearly there are differing opinions on the matter and everyone, including mental health professionals, arrives at their opinion from their own perspective. I am an advocate of the truth and of open communication between couples, even when that means having difficult or painful conversations. I would be interested to hear some of your thoughts on the subject. Do you believe it is better to come clean if you have had a one-time affair or to keep the information to yourself forever?
- Cyndi
Kyle believes that disclosing the information about the one-time affair may be more detrimental to the relationship than having to hold the secret. Certainly marriages have been ended after confessions have been made; but I contend that it is not the information itself that ends a marriage, but the general lack of trust and intimacy present in the relationship in the first place.
As a therapist who works with couples I can report that affairs, even one-time indiscretions, are almost always symptoms of a greater problem that exists within the relationship itself. Concealing what may seem like one little mistake is really avoiding the real issues, so the relationship may very well end anyway.
In addition, the old expression, “lies have little feet” applies well to this type of situation. Of the couples I have seen over the years, which have sought therapy because of an affair, all have had less of a challenge forgiving the act itself than forgiving the lying that accompanied it. Somehow, in some way, the truth usually comes out and the residue left by the lies can leave permanent scars.
Clearly there are differing opinions on the matter and everyone, including mental health professionals, arrives at their opinion from their own perspective. I am an advocate of the truth and of open communication between couples, even when that means having difficult or painful conversations. I would be interested to hear some of your thoughts on the subject. Do you believe it is better to come clean if you have had a one-time affair or to keep the information to yourself forever?
- Cyndi
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When he called I tried to keep things light. yesterday he asked for a reconciliation....he said it didn't take him long to figure out that I wasn't the source of his unhappiness
Posted on 05/21/11 03:05:27 pm
Having an affair once might be a mistake, but 4 times (that you know of), is a scumbag.
Posted on 01/02/12 03:55:25 pm
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you said "How many of these people end up sleeping with someone and believe they are ok...Only to find out later they have an STD/AIDS/OTHER etc. Or better yet find out months down the road they are pregnant"
It was Kyle Richards, not the author of this article, who said "a one-time indiscretion, that doesn’t put your spouse in harms way" could be kept a secret. For what it's worth, all the hazards you mentioned are covered by the qualifier "THAT DOESN'T PUT YOUR SPOUSE IN HARM'S WAY".
you said "How many of these people end up sleeping with someone and believe they are ok...Only to find out later they have an STD/AIDS/OTHER etc. Or better yet find out months down the road they are pregnant"
It was Kyle Richards, not the author of this article, who said "a one-time indiscretion, that doesn’t put your spouse in harms way" could be kept a secret. For what it's worth, all the hazards you mentioned are covered by the qualifier "THAT DOESN'T PUT YOUR SPOUSE IN HARM'S WAY".
IS this acceptable.
Yes, it is deception. Yes, it is lying. But the underlying issue should be, what came of it. The ability to cheat freely, or a mistake that you will never repeat again.
Covering it up only makes it worse in the long run if the dark secrets ever come to light. Like Cydni reports, the lies are much worse than the cheating itself.
@Reply 11 - You completely misinterpreted the author's (Cyndi's) point in the article. The point is that trust and intimacy is broken, and having an affair and hiding it does not repair that. That being honest about it is a step to trying to fix the problems that led to the breakdown of trust and intimacy.
@Reply 12 - Infidelity is one of the few reasons the Bible allows for divorce.
Any thoughts on forgiveness? Are all circumstances of affairs an unforgivable breach in trust?
I think the point of the author is that if the affair affected the cheater in a very deep way, if they understand the wrong they did and use that experience to never stray again in the future, then it may be best to just keep it to themselves. It's their cross to bear. The cheater will feel incredible guilt, but too bad, that's their price to pay. Telling their partner does a service to the cheater by alleviating that guilt, but at the cost of hurting their partner.
I discovered quite by accident that he would get up at 3 or 4 in the morning to sneak into another room and have long, VERY intimate conversations with the woman he would later describe as his "confidante."
By the time I knew that they had actually done the deed, I was so indifferent it couldn't have mattered less.
On the other hand, when my friend had an affair, she longed to confess to her husband. The affair had ended and the husband never knew. When she asked me what to do, that she felt like she had to unburden herself, I told her, "Do you realize he will carry that pain the rest of his life? Yes, unburdening yourself will make YOU feel better, but at what cost? You will destroy him." I encouraged her to keep her mouth shut. Part of the reason was, by that time, I had been on the receiving end of a cheating confession from my ex--the pain was unbearable! I would never want anyone to feel that level of hurt and rejection. I guess I wanted her husband to be spared that pain.
That being said, I strongly disagree with the "one time is not worth confession" philosophy. Cheating is a slippery slope, as with all such moral positions, once they have been compromised the first time, a second time is much easier.