Marriage and Family Therapist
Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
I can't stop lying and it's ruining my relationships. Where can I get help?
Posted in Obsessive Compu... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on May 15, 2010
"I am so tired of my lying. I tell myself that I will stop and I never do. I lie about small things, I lie to my girlfriend constantly I want to stop lying. I want to repair my relationship with my girlfriend and her family... Can I change?? Where Can I Get Help??"

As I am sure you have experienced lying can be extremely destructive to relationships. In my work with couples I have found that even the simplest lies can be very hard for the relationship to recover from. Obviously a person who lies undermines another’s trust which is the very foundation of a solid relationship.

For some people lying becomes habitual. It is something they may have become accustomed to in their family of origin in order to escape punishment or to garner praise. For others lying is actually pathological which means that the person doing the lying actually believes their own tales. Pathological lying is much harder to remedy and is usually a symptom of a larger mental health issue.

You need to consider your reasons for lying in order to ascertain the root causes. Are you lying to avoid undesirable consequences or are you doing so to boost your own self-image? Fear of abandonment can also cause a person to create their own reality. Is lying something that you have done all of your life? The process of discovering why you are struggling with the truth may take a while and it would be helpful if you could explore these concerns with a therapist. A therapist can assist you in finding the answers to these questions and can even set up behavioral systems to help break the cycle of lying.

If you truly want to repair your relationship with your girlfriend then you need to come clean with her. Let her in on the exploration of your motivation to lie constantly. Tell her your fears about being truthful and ask for her patience and understanding as you try to make changes in your life. Your girlfriend can even help reinforce the work you do with a therapist and assist in keeping you honest in a non-combative way. Both of you will need new tools to redefine the relationship. Regardless of what you have been lying about you need to make a conscious decision to begin on a path of truth telling. There will likely be fallout from the truth being revealed but in the long run your life and your relationships (with this girlfriend or any other) will be greatly improved.

- Cyndi

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So what can I do. It happens exactly to me. I lie about dumb stuff like If I thought a girl was pretty, where i left a stapler and stuff like that and today we had a super fight because of that. I've promised I would change before but with time I do it again. I need some kind of tools to keep myself on track. Help please.
By lrp89hn  May 24, 2012
my bf thinks I lie. I think he gets ideas in his head and then I must fulfill them. Like if I say I love someone. He determines the level and when and then if I don't live up to that I'm lying. He doesn't think he is lying when he does, he thinks he is protecting their secret. He doesn't consider that people don't keep their own secrets.
By dewounded  May 27, 2010
Also, train your mind to say the truth, not what you think people want to hear. I have a son w/OCD & he does the samething. Unfortunately I have to threathen him,& you just made me realize he have not been taking his herbal supplements for OCD & anxiety. Try these AMORYN & SEREDYN w/vitamin D3. You don't have to try to please everybody. Be true to yourself & you've made the 1st step by recognizing it is a problem! Be Blessed!
By Nicky2010  May 17, 2010
Quote this: 'Let the words of mouth & be holy & acceptable to You Lord today' EVERYDAY! Not to sound mean, but have you ever heard of a 'shut up fast' where you just get quiet to yourself, to hear from God so you can be more discerning about the things you are saying or need to say? It works & others will appreciate it. Ask for their fogiveness to heal those wounds.
By Nicky2010  May 17, 2010
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