"I am so tired of my lying. I tell myself that I will stop and I never do. I lie about small things, I lie to my girlfriend constantly I want to stop lying. I want to repair my relationship with my girlfriend and her family... Can I change?? Where Can I Get Help??"
As I am sure you have experienced lying can be extremely destructive to relationships. In my work with couples I have found that even the simplest lies can be very hard for the relationship to recover from. Obviously a person who lies undermines another’s trust which is the very foundation of a solid relationship.
For some people lying becomes habitual. It is something they may have become accustomed to in their family of origin in order to escape punishment or to garner praise. For others lying is actually pathological which means that the person doing the lying actually believes their own tales. Pathological lying is much harder to remedy and is usually a symptom of a larger mental health issue.
You need to consider your reasons for lying in order to ascertain the root causes. Are you lying to avoid undesirable consequences or are you doing so to boost your own self-image? Fear of abandonment can also cause a person to create their own reality. Is lying something that you have done all of your life? The process of discovering why you are struggling with the truth may take a while and it would be helpful if you could explore these concerns with a therapist. A therapist can assist you in finding the answers to these questions and can even set up behavioral systems to help break the cycle of lying.
If you truly want to repair your relationship with your girlfriend then you need to come clean with her. Let her in on the exploration of your motivation to lie constantly. Tell her your fears about being truthful and ask for her patience and understanding as you try to make changes in your life. Your girlfriend can even help reinforce the work you do with a therapist and assist in keeping you honest in a non-combative way. Both of you will need new tools to redefine the relationship. Regardless of what you have been lying about you need to make a conscious decision to begin on a path of truth telling. There will likely be fallout from the truth being revealed but in the long run your life and your relationships (with this girlfriend or any other) will be greatly improved.
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