Marriage and Family Therapist
Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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How To Ask For What You Need And Overcome Fear Of Rejection
Posted in Anxiety by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Mar 22, 2011
Getting your needs met, whether in a relationship or at work, is a difficult task for many. There are efficient and effective ways to be clear in your communication and increase the likelihood that you will be understood.

Many people have an inherent fear of asking for what they need, which is inextricably tied to the fear of rejection. In relationships, couples frequently have a hidden wish that their partner will read their mind or at least intuit what they need. This typically leads to resentment and disappointment.

The ability to voice your needs, with a conviction that you deserve to have them met, is also linked to self-esteem. If you are not feeling good about yourself or secure in your relationship then it may feel as if it is too risky to make requests. The requests themselves may be simple, such as asking for help with the household chores or with childcare or something more emotional like wanting more affection from your partner. Over time no matter how seemingly small the desires are, the inability to get them fulfilled will begin to erode the relationship.

If this is a problem in your life then take the time to make the needed changes. The sooner this happens, the better. First identify what it is that you really want from your mate and why you have been resistant to ask. Is that that you are afraid your request will get rejected or that you think it is unreasonable?

If you are having a hard time articulating yourself try writing your thoughts down before you discuss them with your mate. If it is something concrete you need, then be clear and non-judgmental in your delivery and don’t automatically assume you will get turned down. If the needs are less succinct and more feeling-based then take some time to get clear about what it is that you are really asking for before delivering the message. Learn to tolerate actual disappointments instead of imaginary ones because when you begin to voice your desires, while they won’t all be satisfied, there is a much greater chance that they will become a reality.

- Cyndi


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I learned as a very small child that it was not safe to ask for things that I wanted, because my mother would then use this knowledge to try to manipulate my behavior. She would say things like "If you are good all weekend, you might get that toy you want." Or, "You can just forget about that toy after sassing back at me like you just did!"

To this day - and I am now a grandmother myself - I have difficulty asking for what I want. I would prefer to try to obtain what I want directly, rather than having to risk somebody telling me "no." Of course, it is easier when you are a grown-up yourself! (Getting things directly, I mean.)
By madbookworm  Mar 24, 2011
4
OVERCOMING FEAR OF REJECTION!

OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF REJECTION is -- learniing how to manipulate the naysayerZ!!

People who DON'T KNOW HOW to think differently -- to teach them to think OUTSIDE THE BOX!!

PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF CHANGE!

PEOPLE WHO MANIPULATE OTHERS!!

PEOPLE WHO DO THINGS FOR THEMSELVES AND DON'T WANT OTHERS TO GET IN THEIR WAY!!

THESE ARE THE TYPES OF PEOPLE WHO CAUSE & BRING FEAR OF REJECTION IN an atmosphere!!

THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE EXIST IN THE: workplace-managers and co-workers; at school- teachers & students, counselors; siblingZ!!
By energylost  Mar 23, 2011
3
INHERENT FEAR OF ASKING!!

This comes from the source -- like a teacher, not being open to explaining again, not having confidence to re-explain to a student who didn't get it the first time in a different or better manner. It comes from a teacher who lacks patients and a PASSION for teaching till the student can understand.

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT SHAPE AND BRING A BIGGER IMPACT to our "FEAR OF ASKING"
By energylost  Mar 23, 2011
2
SELF-ESTEEM!!
THE (FEMALE) teacher took it away from me all during my school days. They were lazy and I saw that then. They would get up in front of the class and lecture for a SHORT period of time, then give us an assignment that went usually like: read the chapter and answser the questions at the end and then we'll go over them -- during this time they would drink their coffee while reading the newspaper OR go out in the hallway and visit with other teachers. During this time, they did not want to be bothered with questions in case you fell behind on understanding the "1st time".
By energylost  Mar 23, 2011
1
REJECTION!!!!
LEARNED it in elementary school from a FEMALE teacher. I asked the B--- for help and the lazy, mean, teacher told me, "WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST TIME I EXPLAINED IT"! SHE intimidated me so I never asked for help all thru school. My WORST teachers were the female teachers, they have NO patients, they're super lazy and they DESERVE THE low-pay their getting. They don't deserve anymore than they get. Me & my siblings all agree that they (female teachers) were ALL intimidating. They are in a position to teach, to be there so WE the people who pay them, can understand the subject and move on and become better educated people. My best teachers were the male teachers who have confidence in teaching, who were easily approachable, who were NOT lazy.
By energylost  Mar 23, 2011
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