How Should a Child Report Sexual Abuse? by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Advisors

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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How Should a Child Report Sexual Abuse?

Posted in Anxiety Disorde... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Oct 22, 2008

An adult site member sent me a message asking me to address the issue of how a child tells a parent that they are being sexually abused. It is always disturbing to hear about an incidence of child abuse and the long term negative effects of this type of abuse can be heard loudly in the voices of the adult survivors.

In an ideal world children would feel comfortable going to their parents with this kind of information (In an ideal world this type of thing would never happen). Unfortunately there are many variables that go into whether or not a child feels safe confiding in a parent. The abuser may in fact be a parent or a step parent and telling the non-offending parent may be difficult because of the fear of not being believed or of destroying the family image. There may be threats by the abuser about the repercussions of "telling" and there may be shame and even guilt around the events. In some cases, there may be realistic concerns about safety if a child brings this terrible crime to light as the abuser may also be a batterer and the child feels as though they have the responsibility to protect everyone from this person.

If at all possible and safe a child needs to find a way to talk to a trusted parent about what they are going through. It is important that they recognize that nothing they did or said (or wore) provoked the behavior - even if this is what they have been told by the abuser. They need to see themselves as the "victim" of a crime and the abuser as a criminal, which can be incredibly difficult when the abuser is a parent or parent figure.

If telling a parent is not an option then there are others that can be helpful in these situations. The child should look for a teacher, school counselor, doctor, relative or family friend to confide in and ask for help. These people can also be instrumental in helping the child to share this information with the non-offending parent.

In the case of the DS member the abuse took place years ago and it sounds as though she is only now seriously considering sharing this information with a parent. It doesn't matter how long ago the offense occurred, or that she has kept this secret for so many years, the truth, in a safe environment, is the best option. I would encourage anyone struggling with this to talk to a therapist and to consider bringing the parent into session to disclose this information. Secrets hold a great deal of power and, while there will be fallout from this disclosure; the information needs to be shared in order for the healing to begin.

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CATEGORIES: Answers

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anxiety Disorders in Children • Child Support & Custody • Children Of Divorced Parents • Depression • Depression - Teen • Depression in Children • Eating Disorders • Family Issues • Female Sexual Issues • Foster Care • High School Stress • Incest Survivors • Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) • Personality Disorders • Physical & Emotional Abuse • Rape • Teen Anxiety • Teen Sexuality

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I became separated 4 1/2 yrs ago (after 29 years of marriage). I have spent countless hours trying to make sense out of nonsense.
I found out - years after the fact - that my ex had molested our daughter from the time she was 9 til 11.
I've had a difficult time getting through it, especially since my two oldest children have banned me from their lives and from seeing the grandchildren I was very close to. (Yet he is allowed to keep the children? How does that make sense?)
I was a minister's wife, so I lost my "calling" (my passion), my marriage, two children, four grandchildren, and had to move away from my closest friends. Now there is a new (4 1/2 mo) grandchild I haven't even been allowed to see.
There must be some psychological basis for their actions, and I have a theory or two, but I've given up on knowing for sure since neither of my two grown children will discuss it, nor will they answer me at all about "why."

By rebeccarpruitt Apr 24, 2011

This was very helpful, thank you.

By mcg3e09 May 27, 2010

It's a LOT more complicated than what it says here. Counsillors always seem to think talk talk talk and everythings ok but it's not like that and there are consequences to everything.

By Jake007 Dec 15, 2009

ok im w/ sprything on this i was violated from about 3 till 11 yros first by my 2 uncles and i was about 4 when i told my mother and she told me i was a liar so the abuse continued .. and when i was 5 or 6 she actualy caught one of them in the act but she forgave him and so the abuse contiued.. then when i was about 10 ish she began molesting me and so the abuse contiued ..... my father worked out of town a lot and im sure he wasnt aware at the time but one of uncles did a flat 20 yrs for rapeing his g/f daughter in arkansas when he got out he came to missouri and lo and behold my father let him come stay at his house even tho i had told hime of the abuse after my moms death :all of it} and so the abuse continued 4 moths after his release he then attempted to violate a 10 yro neighbore boy but thank god the child had had traing from his parents and he ran and told and they belived him ,,, donnie was then re arrested and got 8 years ,, not long after i met my husband and finally got into good counceling and when dear old uncle donnie came up for parole sept 08 i along w/ my thearapist nad my dear husband wrote a letter to the parole bord contesting his release ,,,, i i figured he woild call my realatives and tell them that i contested ,, so i called them first and told my aunt what i was doing and she told me qutoe i was going to hell and when i got their i would bust it wide open,, so now stiil the abuse contues,, to sum it up i contested the release and the dirt bag is still imprisioned,, yea .and i am a survivor!!!!!!!! and once again as spry said i would always belive the child

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By bobo2008881 Oct 28, 2008

i was abused when i was 9, and i didnt report it until i was 15, just 2 years ago. and i think another factor in the whole situation is that children dont always know that hats being done to them is wrong. if they grow up knowing nothing esle, it'll take them a long time to fully understand that they are actually a victim.

By metalheadlxlxl Oct 27, 2008

So... My barely 3yo tells me, on a Saturday morning, as we're having breakfast, that Granpa went about without his underware, and his pee-pee showed, giggle-funny... So, I almost drop my breakfast. "Granpa" and "Granma" care for my daughter at their place, but they're not relatives. They are also around my daughter all the time together, so I don't see how that would come about. There are details like, he had no pants on, etc. I KNOW the likelyhood of this happening is practically nil, and I know the likelyhood of my daughter making stuff up is actually very high (just being honest). But the details? How does she come up with that?

The next day, I take a tape recorder, and start talking to her again. The story is about 50% different. The new version has Granma seeing him, and telling him "NO! Put your pants on NOW!". I happen to know that that's what they tell the boy who lives there, and who is 2 1/2. I'm sure she's heard Granma tell the boy that. The room in which the 'incident' is happening is different today, today it's kitchen, very unlikely. Everything is different today. So I conclude that she was probably relating the story of what happened with the little boy, as if it happeed to Granpa. But if I ask directly, she is adamant it was Granpa. And again, I KNOW, from hard experience, that she is unreliable, and at barely 3yo, that's normal.

Then, I rewind the tape to listen to it later in the day, and on the second listen, I notice that we are chatting fine, but whenever I press for a detail, she pulls away, so to speak, and stops talking, changes subject etc, pretty consistently. So then I panic, thinking maybe she's telling the truth. Then again, if she's making stuff up, maybe she can't keep track of her story? But at 3, can she even keep trac of not keeping track? It makes more sense that she's embarassed about the event. But then again, there are so many leads in her story connecting to benign, borrowed details. You can't wonder what's more likely, you sit and wonder what is less improbable.

This was a no-brainer, we put her in daycare. Granma and Granpa were traveling in two weeks anyway, we gave a bogus excuse. We didn't tell them anything, but we told their son, just in case, as his son was living with them too. My daughter didn't seem traumatized in the least, and she is not likely to remember this (if it's really not traumatizing). I don't know what happened, if anything. It's impossible to know. This seemed like a satisfactory solutions for us.

But what if Granma and Granpa were her real and only grandparents? BTW, other than this, they cared for her much better than any other daycare or sitters we've seen. They spent a lot of one-on-one time with her, fun and teaching, cooked good food for scratch for her, took her out every day no matter the weather... My friend pais $30K for a nanny, and she doesn't gett all that for her son. (and we don't have anywhere close to $30K) I mean they gave her care money can't buy, and we can't find that again, unfortunately. So what if it's not a no-brainer? What when it's family?

BTW, I am also a sexual abuse survivor. So I'm sitting here asking myself: "Am I taking this too lightly?" or "Am I jumping the gun because of my experience?" "How should I react?" "Should I tell the daycare?" (I don't see what good would come of that, but at the moment you want to protect your child in any way possible, and it's hard to think on your feet.)

By cb72 Oct 26, 2008

I couldn't agree more, I buried a self deep secret of this type for many many years and then at 46, after becoming a alcoholic and suffering nervous disorders confronted this issue and worked on it with medical help. Today I can move on with my life, 6 years sober and recovering day by day from the nervous breakdown. I wish the confrontation with myself had occurred many years ago, so it is definitely important to get it out in the open. Good luck to those people who have succumbed to the abusers.

By sandygal Oct 25, 2008

The laws need to be tougher on offenders. Stop letting repeat offenders out into the world, make longer mandatory sentences-like 85 years. Too feeble to offend. Easy enough to kick the love of Jesus into.

By Cybercatxq Oct 24, 2008

Why do men feel a sense of entitlement when it comes to touching or invading young girls bodies?

By sprytling Oct 24, 2008

I told my mother years later. I was 9 when she went into the hospital to have my sister and left myself and my brothers at my grandmother house to be cared for. Danny Walsh was her boarder and from what I've been told, he was also a second cousin. I can safely use his name because he is dead now and so are all the other people who would care. However, I told my mother when I found out that my daughter had been molested. I had put it so far out of my mind that I could visualize myself standing next to a wall with a corner...that wsa the secret that I didn't divulge. It wasn't there and then all of a sudden it was.

Danny was in his late 30's and I was 9 when he began molesting me. I was just beginning to get breasts. He touched me and made me touch him. And then every time I had to be at my grandmothers, I tried to be careful not to be alone with him, but sometimes he found me anyway. I don't know why I didn't tell then. I think I had a sense that he was a grown up and if I told I would get into trouble.

My mother's reaction what that I was a liar. And when she asked other people in the family if there was a possibility, they told my mother that Danny had been gay. So I was branded a liar.

My mother died several months ago, and we hadn't spoken in years. My cousin, Maureen, suddenly contacted me. Maureen was a year younger and she actually lived at my grandmother's house for period of time. She began describing having to get into counseling because Danny has also molested her. I don't have a solution, only alot of pain. I don't care what one of children tell me or when, I will believe them.

By sprytling Oct 24, 2008

thank you....this was helpful....

By mal9163 Oct 24, 2008

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