Handling Sibling Squabbles by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Advisors

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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Handling Sibling Squabbles

Posted in Adoption by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Aug 04, 2009

If you have more than one child living in your home you are bound to hear bickering. For some families it is pretty constant and for others it is more occasional. Much of this is determined by the ages of the children and the family's argument style. Yes even this behavior is something your kids pick up on. If you and your partner bicker constantly as a way to solve problems then odds are that your kids are going to employ that as a primary problem solving tool. The question most parents have when their kids are fighting is how and if they should get involved.

The answer may vary from case to case but in general it is a good idea to let your kids try to work it out on their own especially when it is a simple disagreement. "It's my turn now" or "that's not fair" or "I'm telling" are all things you may overhear that will inspire you to intervene when the best option may be to just stand back at a safe distance. You'll want to monitor the fight if it begins to escalate into name calling or physical aggression. In those cases you should intervene and let your children know that those behaviors won't be tolerated. Tell them that it is okay to disagree but that they will need to find a more civilized way of working it out. For younger kids you may say a "quieter" or "nicer" way of working it out. If the fights occur in the car, which they often do, the kids need to be directed to keep their voices down because it is unsafe for you to be driving with all the noise. If they don't respond to this, then look for a safe opportunity to pull over to the side of the road and let your kids know that you're not driving under these conditions. Children typically do not like to miss out on things. Whatever it is that you are shuttling them to, whether it is a fun activity, a class or a game, can wait until it is safe to continue. If you do pull the car over, they will most likely take you seriously when you give them the initial directive the next time.

Kids need to learn these problem solving skills and for better or worse we all first learn these behaviors at home. If you notice your children engage in constant scuffles that don't seem to end well or at all, you may need to sit them down during a quiet moment and give them some conflict resolution tools. Teach them how to allow the other person to state their opinion (you can even use a timer that gives each child 2 minutes to say what is upsetting them). Let them know that no one can hear them when they are yelling and that they will never get their point across simply by saying it louder. Give them words such as, "how can we work this out together?" or "what do you think would be a fair compromise?" Teach them that compromise really means that everyone is a little bit happy and a little bit unhappy.

You can't avoid these conflicts altogether and you wouldn't want to because, as I mentioned, it is how we learn. You can be aware of situations that set your kids up for a battle though and it is wise to avoid those. Try to be as equitable as possible as a parent, but remember that each child is an individual and in life everything is not always equal. Be clear about the family rules, such as privileges granted to an older child. This means that everyone in the family is aware that those privileges are reserved for when you are a certain age and that is not negotiable. It may not seem fair to the younger child but you can remind them that they too will one day be the golden age to receive that privilege.

When you see that the argument is manageable (no name calling or aggression) you may even ask your kids to take it in another room. Often kids quarrel to get your attention and in the absence of an audience what they were fighting about no longer seems so important. Alternatively, you can walk out of the room and remove yourself from the feuding. And as always, pay attention to how often you are engaging in arguments with your mate or out in the world. Role modeling is the best teaching tool we as parents have at our disposal.

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CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Adoption • Anxiety Disorders in Children • Child Support & Custody • Children Of Divorced Parents • Family Issues • Grandparents Raising Children • Healthy Relationships • Homeschooling • Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) • Parenting Big Kids (5-8) • Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) • Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) • Parenting Teenagers (12-18) • Parenting Toddlers (1-3) • Parents of Children with ADHD • Single Dads • Step Families • Twins, Triplets & More

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I have three children 17, 14, 10. When they were younger and came running in to tell me about an argument, I would say "Is anyone bleeding or dieing? If the answer is NO then you need to take care of it yourselves."

I taught them the "rules of the fight"...no name calling, hands to yourself, stick to the issue at hand, and no saying "you always", recognize when you might be wrong and admit it, be willing to compromise, learn to think about your position in relation to the grand scheme of things (is it really worth the argument?), ALWAYS treat others the way that you want to be treated and when at a deadlock...be the better person.

I think it is best to let them work it out. They need these skills for the future. I will step in if they are yelling or being rude to each other and say "it is fine if you disagree but yelling or being rude is not acceptable." After their "fights" I commend them if they have worked it out on their own and have come up with a reasonable solution. I have rarely played referee with them, and when I do they don't like it because I bust out my inner psychologist "how does that make you feel"???

Occasionally, I join in once they have worked it out and have them discuss the "why's" and the way they have handled the situation. The two older ones are girls and the youngest is my son, who is my ADHD child. I have to remind the girls that his brain does not work like theirs...it has taken about 3-4 years to get my daughters to understand that they have to "fight" a certain way with my son if they want it to end.

I have been known to step in when they needed "help" learning to fight...giving them cues like "how would you feel if she/he said that to you" or when a fight goes from productive to an insult match "what part of that could you have handled better", etc.

Over all, their arguments have become much less (and much less intense) and they all seem much happier because of it.

By M3PainFr33 Sep 25, 2009

For most parent it is tough to deal with misunderstanding between their siblings. They have to deal patiently with the different behaviors of their children. Anyway, has anyone heard about the Avi Ben Stella car crash? The Avi Ben Stella car crash is part of an e-mail spam campaign trying to solicit prayers or donations for a 12 year old boy, Avi Ben Stella, killed or injured in a car crash, and it's all a bunch of bull. There is no voodoo to chain mail, just someone who wants your money. So if you see an e-mail about the Avi Ben Stella car crash don't open it – you'll get a virus or end up needing http://personalmoneystore.com/Debt-... ">debt settlement relief.

By AntonioL Aug 28, 2009

This is all true. As I would have hoped, my siblings and I would have been able to bring these values into future as 'Adult Siblings'. Compromising debates are often avoided, as each hold their own attitude and opionions. Avoidance and excuses is much preferred to most, and of course now difficult to settle as ... of course we no longer reside under one household, let alone one state.

I give strength, to those future siblings that rise to Adulthold that they find better compromising and bonding relationships.

By it2speaks Aug 07, 2009

dear Cyndi,
i never expected a comment back i am so very grateful you took the time and that you cared enough to give me your opinion. I appreciate this site b/c of the groups and I really didn't know that the community update is actually another resource. I am having 3 other gs's here for a visit and I expect they will want to see their cousins so I will take you advise and tell my daughters boys (3) that if they want to come to gmas and see their cousins they will have to be " respectful" of one another. I like that....gma2

By gma2 Aug 07, 2009

I have 2 girls who seem to fight constantly about everything it seems. I try to let them work it out, but it usually escalates into screaming, "I hate you's" and just general smack or hitting each other with something. I was raised in a violent home, drunk, abusive father, and Uncle. So my sister and I pretty much got the brunt of the abuse from our father then we would visit my Aunt who's husband was an alcoholic and he would just throw stuff when he got irritated while drunk. So needless to say the yelling, violence and just general overreaction to everything is how I am. When my girls fight I get stressed. I don't know how to control that behavior that I am so acustomed to.

By AMosley Aug 07, 2009

gma2- You need to set limits with them and give them clear rules. Give them consequences if they continue to break the rules and separate them into different rooms if they can't get along at all. Sometimes in a chaotic time in a child's lives caretakers become more lenient because they feel the children are going through so much. This often happens during a divorce. It is at those times that they need the firmest boundaries in order to feel safe and taken care of(even though they may fiercely resist those limits.) You need to enlist the help of the parents (or mother in this case) and make it clear that they won't be allowed to all be at your house together if they can't be respectful to each other (and you). If all else fails get some outside assistance from a counselor who will help you with some behavior modification tools for the children.

By CSR Aug 06, 2009

what can you do if matters have gotten way out of control? 4 children ages 6, 9, 12, 16 the youngest is a girl. Father and step father to the oldest is under order of protection and they are going through a messy divorce. Yes..they probably did pick-up the constant quarreling and fighting from their parents. But my 4 grandchildren here just can't get along and they fight all the time. What can I do when they are in my house? I'd like to make a difference. Thank-you

By gma2 Aug 06, 2009

Yo say you can not avoid these conflicts is nonsense. As a child in my home of 7 kids no one ever fought. In my own family of 5 boys they never evder fought or argued. When I hear kids doing this I dont understand it at all. It is disgusting.

By babysteps23 Aug 06, 2009

Role as parents is to give our children enough breathing room to reap the underlying social-developmental benefits of sibling rivalry, while still establishing and enforcing clear boundaries and parameters. The following suggestions will help you strike this tricky, yet crucial balance.
# Outline the rules of the game.
# Nix the play-by-play refereeing.
# Offer up a "Plan B."
# Hindsight is 20/20.
# Walk a block in their sneakers.
# Who cares who started it? When children argue, the parental knee-jerk reaction is to try to tap an instigator.
# Employ the therapeutic grunt.
# Have family meetings.
# Put a lid on it.
# Keep perspective.
So I hope I was able to help. You don’t have to go to http://personalmoneystore.com/payda...">personal loan company to have some money to pay for a baby sitter for your sons and daughter.

By TyrellS Aug 06, 2009

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