Cohabitation: The Beginning of the End for Relationships? by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Advisors

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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Cohabitation: The Beginning of the End for Relationships?

Posted in Healthy Relatio... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Apr 02, 2012

As many studies have shown the likelihood of ending a relationship is higher for couples who chose to live together without being married. This isn’t always the bad news though. Obviously these statistics include those who, had they actually tied the knot, may have split up as well – or may not have.

If you are thinking of cohabitating with your beloved, then there are a few things you can do to get prepared and to set the stage for success.

1. Talk about your expectations of one another. This conversation should include everything from household chores to household income. Is one person going to assume more of the financial responsibilities, while the other puts in sweat equity taking care of the home? Will this change over time and are both people willing to be flexible with those roles?

2. Learn to compromise on the little and the big issues. Compromise typically means that each person is a little bit happy and a little bit unhappy. The ability to do this is a major key to a lasting relationship.

3. Establish guidelines for time together and time apart. Moving in together does not mean that you must surrender all non-romantic interests outside of your relationship. Having outside activities and friendships is necessary and will only add to the quality of your relationship with your partner. This should be discussed in advance of moving in together so that neither partner is surprised or hurt by their mate’s schedule.

4. Never move in together to solve a current problem you have in the relationship. When I ask couples that are ending a relationship when they first became aware of possible problems, almost without exception, they report that it was in the very beginning. So listen to your gut. If it doesn’t feel right now, it most likely never will.

5. Did I mention compromise??

6. Take the move seriously. For some people, moving in together can be an easier step than getting married, but it is a serious commitment nonetheless. Being too cavalier about the decision may leave you unprepared for how great a life change it can be. Having to move out when a relationship ends is much more painful and complicated than breaking up when you do not live together.

7. As always, keep the lines of communication open. I know this is my regular mantra but to do this can help to resolve problems when they come up and will prevent resentments from building.

8. Tend to your home and your relationship together. Enter into your new living situation as a team and resolve to approach issues that arise in a united way with the stated goal of harmony in your home.

- Cyndi

RELATED FROM AROUND THE WEB

Asking him to go to councilling. He said he would go alone. But not with me because he says it's pointless? I don't want to end my relationship. We have a home together... Have been living together for two years. But I dot know how to fix this? Posted on 03/19/12 05:29:49 am

I'm not allowed to know what's going on with the family (the ex-wife and kids) even though I live in the house. I've been told that this part of our relationship is off limits. Posted on 03/23/12 05:52:11 pm

I need a little more info like are you living together, are you in an exclusive longterm relationship with the guy? Dumb question but have to talk to him about it. How does he end a txt or email with bye, best, your friend? I mean I have been cautious abo Posted on 03/29/12 09:33:33 pm

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Previous: Why Women are Choosing Not to Marry

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CATEGORIES: Overview

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anger Management • Breakups & Divorce • Healthy Relationships • Healthy Sex • Physical & Emotional Abuse • Family Issues • Life After Divorce

TAGS: Symptoms • Therapies

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Timing is everything. Don't be so quick to co-habitate without thinking through more of the subtle issues of living together. As a rule, wait until at least 12 months in an exclusive relationship. Being comfortable seeing each other in every light and event in every day of at least one year will help with your assessment in moving to the next level.
Also in terms of timing, if both of you are not in the same place in your lives, things will be more challenging in my opinion. Parallels in your lives to consider before the big step: duration since your last significant breakup, directions your personal lives are taking, aspirations and dreams, and empathy.
Empathy is often overlooked. This is understanding the inner world of another but recognizing that experience is not your own; you may tap into your own experiences to understand where the person is coming from.

By SnglParents Apr 08, 2012

Great list, great article.

By capncrunchbud Apr 05, 2012

It's not rocket science. Share,discuss,compromise. That's the name of the game in any relationship, whether you live together or not. And maybe don't get involved with a-holes. If you're not solid in who you are and what you want, ain't nothing good going to come out of moving in with someone. Sharing a household harmoniously is a daily act of will, even with people you love.

I met my husband at age 36;we bought a house together 6 months after meeting each other. It was a whirlwind romance. I'd never lived with anyone before that. Hardest most painful thing in the world.We lived together 5 years before marrying,and have now been married for 6 years. We worked out a lot of nonsense by living with each other before marrying.Part of that is we both had our personal stuff together before we met.So it can work out. Just choose your mates wisely.

By rmb Apr 04, 2012

Cyndi, these are very good communication skills that I wish that I had when I was in my 20s. that was the main problem in my past marriage and the relationships that I had after the divorce. I had no communication skills coming from dysfunctional parents but my boyfriend came from a lovely family and he had NO communication skills either.

By energylost Apr 03, 2012

I wish that I had this list when I previously lived with a Jerk in the past. I was in it for the long hall but was trying to use this "living together" to make an easier transition into marriage because I was afraid of marriage. I guess he thought we were "playing house" and when it got tough he bailed out!!

By energylost Apr 03, 2012

My oldest daughter married a guy after living with him for a year and a half. They started having problems four months after they were married. She says he became too possessive and too demanding. He says she became too involved in her job, too independent, and "not needing him any more." It did seem as if all she cared about at that point was getting ahead in her job, with her husband (heretofore the great love of her life) in a very distant second place. I've never figured out what happened there, but it was a quick divorce. He has not remarried; she has, apparently happily.

By madbookworm Apr 03, 2012

My main question: If cohabiting without marriage is so good for heterosexual couples, why isn't it good enough for the LGBT community? The next question: If cohabiting couples have children, are they legally able to siphon off taxpayer dollars to support the children which is really intended for families that are abandoned by a partner?

By Fern RL Apr 03, 2012

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