tscottm

revision of first attempt

Posted on 09/11/09, 12:27 pm

sorry to post the same damn poem again but i tried to make it better and couldn't figure out how to replace the first version with this one.

CHAINS

you grew up in chaos
now loved but then hurt
so you strive to control me
to make my life yours

you can't cook that shit!
turn that crap off!
the gym, or practice?
no way!

get off the computer
i need to be on!
don't play with her now
there's work to be done!

i clean, vacuum, follow
obey your commands
then do as i like
with the time i have left

as you curse 9 to 3
then couch and tv
the girls avoid you
but run smiling to me

i'm out 4 to 10
teaching music and more
equal hours but less money
so not good enough

you forge your own chains
sowing fear but not love
so which one is captive
and which one is free?

• Reply #1 09/11/09  1:26pm
  
  jlynn3100
  scott, i think this is really nice work. and if you ever need something deleted you can ask me to do it, or i can make you admin so you can do it yourself. but i'm glad you left them both-we can see the changes you made! (btw, have i mentioned how nice it is to see you here? ;-) )
• Reply #2 09/12/09  2:31am
  
  Christopher...
  This is a bold first poem. I think it would benefit from consistent meter. Perhaps write out your numbers and eliminate the rhyme in the fifth stanza - or better, put a rhyme scheme in which would help this to read smoother.
  
  Here is a great link I use all of the time:
  
  http://www.rhymezone.com/?loc=top
  
  Try reading this aloud to yourself and you may see what I mean with the meter and rhyme.
  
  Good stuff here.
• Reply #3 09/14/09  1:36am
  
  tscottm
  thanks for your comments cr. confirmed much of what i thought of it. i'll check out that site next time i get inspired and try another one.
  thanks again,
  scott
• Reply #4 09/14/09  4:38am
  
  Christopher...
  No prob Scott nice to meetcha and keep writing. We need ya!
  
  Barry
• Reply #5 09/14/09  11:27am
  
  jlynn3100
  i second that! :-)
• Reply #6 09/14/09  11:38am
  
  tscottm
  not as much as i need you lol
  
• Reply #7 09/15/09  10:13am
  
  jlynn3100
  it's a mutual thing. ;-)

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