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Below is an exercise that my therapist had me do. I knew in 'head' that I should stay away from him, that he was bad news, but I wanted contact with EVER FIBER OF MY BEING.

She told me to write a letter from my Higher Self (the wise one) to my Lower Self (the abandoned person that desperately desired contact). Here is the exercise and some journal entries. I always marvel at how I knew the behavior that goes along with NPD without knowing any of the terms and that is why the labels do not matter. It is the behavior that counts:

4/30/09

They say the truth will set me free. Now I know the truth but I do not fee free. Instead I am devastated, crushed, not functioning.

I wish you loved me. I wanted you to love me. I want to be loved and I do not want to be in pain. I miss you desperately and I miss having sex with you.

EXERCISE WRITE A NOTE FROM YOUR HIGHER NOTE that knows this relationship is a critical error TO YOUR LOWER SELF that wants the relationship regardless of the consequences.

LS: I want him, I want him, I want him. I miss him and I was going to make him love me.

HS: This was not the right man for you and you know it. You knew from the beginning that he was very dark and dangerous. You knew it.

LS; NO NO NO make call me. I will accept his crumbs.

HS: We have to wait this out. The pain and longing will eventually fade. It is better to wait for someone better, to wait on someone more like you; not to always be living on the edge of heartbreak. This man is a very empty vessel that seeks sex, darkness and excitement to make  him feel alive.

LS: Something is better then nothing.

HS: No, you were getting further and further away from YOUR true self. You were becoming less fun, less funny, more anxious. You were spending less and less time with your friends. None of that was good for you. You craved affection and kindness and he gave you none of either.

LS: Didn’t he understand all that I was going to help him do???

HS: What you wanted him to continue using you? Is that what you wanted? To make sure he had completely used you? You should be glad you sent him away before he used you anymore then he already did.

5/18/09:

I just want to know that he misses me. Someone please heal me, please heal my mind. Do I wish I had over looked what I found?

5/19/09 Tuesday

Although it has been 1 month since I last heard from you, I can not get you off my mind. I think of you constantly but I am happy that you have not contacted me. I am so fragile, so vulnerable, and so susceptible to you. This, of course, is what you wanted. You must be SHOCKED that I have not contacted you. You thought you had me hooked, didn’t you???? Well the joke is ON YOU. I posses a strength and resolve that you did not count on. Both Bev and Haleeh told me that I am the strongest woman that they know. You don't know me, you never really knew me.

I will get thru this. I need my energy for me and not you. I have to heal me. I am damaged and broken. I can no longer live in this prison, my mind in an endless loop of anguish.

Friday, 5/27/09:

At Charis crying over a card. Today I was thinking of something I did for you. One of the many things that I did for you and realized like Debbie Ford said, I was trying to make my self indispensible to you. So integrated to your life that a) you could not live without me and b) you would realize you loved me. But it did not work. I could not keep you hooked no matter how hard I tried or what I did.

You always showed me you were untrustable.

5/28/09 – Therapy notes:

Yes, it's important to move forward and break any connections you have with anyone who does not hold your heart and soul in its highest good.

I am also very pleased that you see or understand on a deeper level that fantasy only leads to a repetition of past patterns. Whenever any of us, on any level, acknowledges red flags early on - then we must honor them.

There were three things we talked about that you might want to put your focus on - and they are:

1. Relax the 3 main areas (which allow all energy to move through thereby allowing the body to receive the greatest amount of Divine light): lower back, stomach, and hips

2. Pay close attention to the voices of your mind (these voices are most often negative, critical, and will talk you into anything and everything that is not in your best interest)

3. Go directly to your Divine source and ask if something is true or not:

For example: Is it true that I am not good enough? What do you imagine your Divine source will say?

6/24/09 Weds


I am so sad and I hope that Rebecca can help me and explain it to me. Take it in: He slept with at least 8 other women during your 8 months together. You saw the emails, you can't deny it. Why do you think he always hid his phone?

Why is it important to you to know that he suffering and he is sorry? You saw him back on line on Monday and apologizing to the girl from Argentina. An apology he never gave you. Calling her names of endearments he never called you.

His desperation is palpable but instead I only want to know that he thinks about me and than any day now I will hear from him. It is pathetic and not comprehensible that I can not get it thru my thick skull that he does not give a shit a about me.

Carrie is so sweet telling me that anyone that would break up with me is an idiot. I love my friends. He was a fool to let me catch him but it was inevitable, because he wanted to be caught, he was constantly testing me and pushing me.

Paula said to be gentle with myself because he was cute and manipulative. Paula said anyone would have fallen for him the way he came weekend after weekend after weekend.

7/6/09

Why is this man constantly on my mind? I feel like I want to go see Kat and tell her: You were wrong, he did not call, he never got in touch with me, but what is the point? Why do I want to know that he is suffering and thinking about me?

Today is the day that I would have been driving or flying home from dropping him off. I would have a summer full of nausea and pain wondering if he was going to keep in contact and who he was screwing. I really want to stop thinking about him, to disengage completely.

What do you want Kat to tell you that Rebecca has not? That he is falling down a dark tunnel. That he thinks about me? That the time he spent with you is forever branded inside of him?

This is a man that could not open his heart to you or the woman that he married and had his child.

She spent years loving him, chasing him, forgiving him and he was unable to crack open an inch of his heart and let her in. Yet you think YOU could????

A man that could walk away from you without a thought of how he may have left you and yet you continue to obsess about him endlessly and want him to be sorry.

Please help me God, please help me to disengage from the dangerous energy. Please help me to heal so that the mere thought of him is repulsive, not only because he is repulsive, but because that was a deadly relationship to my soul.

Always an angle, always exploitation.

7/8/09

Energy of desperation … I am not important unless I hear from him.

Please have compassion and mercy for that person that took that email and highlighted those things because I was so desperately seeking validation from this person. This person that was unable to validate me because he did not see me as human.

I have to know that I am important to someone, surely he loved me.

I had to be in so much pain to have abandoned myself to that level.

Validate me .. a child’s deep need to feel acknowledge and wanted.

He treated you like a doormat. He took what he wanted and left when he pleased.

His energy will consume you completely. He energetically takes over.


It is not about the who, it is about the what. What is the Universe trying to teach me or show me? What are you trying to tell me right now? I should not be afraid any more of these types of people. Emotionally I am still dependent on someone liking me? What is the emotion that was provoked?

I am attaching the energy of desperation to xn. It is NOT xn’s validation that I am seeking

it is the child that lives inside of me that needs validation.

He is just an attachment that I have formed.

The need to feel approval stems from the need to know that I am important.

I am not indispensible even if I was to him because he had detached from his heart.

Thank God those days are over. The torment, the pain, the constant intrusive thoughts. No Contact is the only way to make it out the other end.