By Sandra Brown
The main problem women have after leaving pathological men is obtrusive constant thoughts of the relationship and cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.
The main part of these pathological men is that show up as one thing, but they are something entirely different. This is a disorder of social hiding. This is an individual that is PROFOUNDLY disturbed but looks normal. In a normal relationship you dont have 2 different people to deal with. Here you are breaking up with dark side and the charmer.
What you miss is the charmer. What you broke up with is the dark side (and only true side).
Their disorder is this called the mask of sanity for a reason. They appear normal (better then normal - sweet, charming, handsome) but they are something else all together. These men have known they were different since they were children they are experts at hiding their dark side. If they showed you who they were, you would have gone running into the night screaming.
Here are some examples of what happens in these types of relationships:
You receive both:
bonding and abandonment
loving and loathing
child like vulnerability couple with adult mystique
support and sabotage
fun and then rage
the most wonderful soul mate you could have imagined as well as the sickest relationship you could experience all in one package
calculated and impulsive
idolized and devalued
aloof and super connected
kind and sadistic
capable and helpless
We are ping ponging all over the place. No wonder I walked on egg shells during the entire relationship.
First things first, how did we got into this situation? Any words that I inserted are in italics.
From Page 51 on How to Spot Dangerous Man:
It was shocking to see how women chose to get involved with dangerous or pathological men out of boredom. Equally disconcerting was seeing how women continue to date dangerous men because they refused to evaluate their own histories. What was most noteworthy was the overwhelming need of most of the women to not be alone. There was an unspoken fear of long term abandonment, which turned out for most women to equate to not currently dating.
For the women I interviewed, the idea of dating someone causally for a lengthy period was fairly obsolete. These women were in a hurry to get into a relationship. Most implied they were above dating for mere attention. None wanted to admit they feared loneliness, abandonment, or the status of not dating; they exhibited these fears in the way they downplayed the behavior of the dangerous man.
Women who got involved with dangerous men usually dated intensely and allowed the relationship to get sexual quickly. They moved in with him within months of meeting him or married him impulsively during the first year of the relationship. Others were knowingly and willingly available for married men.
Who He Is Of course, he does not enter a womans life announcing he is a deceitful, pathologically-disordered, power mongrel incapable of anything more than surface attachment and is so brain-challenged he can not love! They present themselves initially as intensely interested in her, passionately loving, abundantly caring, and almost suffocatingly so. The illusion is that: Their attachments are surface (which is not love)
He was normal
He was in love with you
He was what he said he was
And he did what he said he did.
In pathology, thats never the case.
They are mentally disordered (which is not normal)
They never present themselves as disordered/sexually promiscuous/and incapable of love (so he was not what he said he was)
And they harbor hidden lives filled with other sex partners, hook ups, criminality, or illegal/moral behavior (so they dont disclose what he is really up to).
What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.
Who He Is
Of course, he does not enter a womans life announcing he is a deceitful, pathologically-disordered, power mongrel incapable of
anything more than surface attachment and is so brain-challenged he can not love! They present themselves initially as intensely interested in her, passionately loving, abundantly caring, and almost suffocatingly so.
The illusion is that:
Their attachments are surface (which is not love)