VERYNICEGIRL

I'm giving him one last chance

Posted on 11/08/09, 06:25 pm

Is that a crazy thing to do? I'm so confused! I just finished my hepc treatment, and now he is being so nice to me.

It seems I finally made up my mind to leave and now he is being the husband of my dreams.

I'm just not sure if he is happy that I'm free of the meds, or because I'm back to taking care of him. I am really, really confused.

Financially, he supports me, and I live the way I have dreamed for. But emotionally and intimately, he is not here.

But when he is mad, angry, rejected or hurt, HE IS A MEAN, MEAN MAN.

I don't work, or have a career and there are no children. I can work. I don't have a savings, and I know a divorce will be long and stressful and dealing with his anger. I don't look forward to that. Exp, since I've been on very hard meds for six months and felt like crap.

Should I stay with him and start planning an exit plan? Save some money, so I can afford an apt? I do NOT want to have to move in with family. When I leave, I really want to be able to take care of myself. And that is another fear, can I take care of myself?

I'm ready for my first step. What should it be?

• Reply #1 11/08/09  7:02pm
  
  dreaminggra...
  Goodness honey what you are asking is the very same things I spent the last 20 years asking myself !! Now here I am at almost 57 and married for 40 years !! First I stayed because I had 2 kids that I didn't want to raise on welfare and then it was the grandkids I stayed for===well I have FINALLY made the decision I should have made a LONG time ago !! I am looking at what will make ME happy and NOT feeling guility about it!! I have to FIX ME before I will be any good to anyone else so I am at the begining of a new way of life. Easy ?? Hell no ! I am also an 8 yr. breast cancer surv. so before my last days here are up I will have some time making ME happy I also have no training to take care of myself and I have a ton of health problems but I am now working to make my own way in this world. I have to loose about 50 more lbs before I can even try to find a way to support myself and in the mean time I will be holding on to as much money as I can save. No one cantell you when it will be right for you to leave or even if you should leave. I am here to support you no matter what you decide to do. Just remember you do deserve to be happy and if this man can not give you what you need from your man then take a look inside yourself and ask if you are ready to make the biggest change of your life and then act on it ! DO not stay with a man that leaves you crying inside for the need of something more.=Wanda=
• Reply #2 11/08/09  7:47pm
  
  Lisa4bama
  Wanda - there is so much wisdom in just the last sentence you wrote. "Do not stay with a man that leaves you crying inside for more". Wow. I was devastated when my ex broke up with me. I am still struggling. I did not admit to myself that I was needing something more until he was gone. I did not "realize" the severity of his drinking until he was gone. The danger with these men is they pop up when you have decided you don't need them anymore. They can not commit to having you or not having you. They do all the right things and say all the right things. 9 times out of 10 they go right back to the old ways. It is a cat and mouse game. Hot and cold game. VeryNice - I agree that you are that you are the only one that can make the decision to stay or go. Just remember who he really is and not who you wish for him to be.
• Reply #3 11/09/09  8:46am
  
  SusyP
  VNG, Per this: It seems I finally made up my mind to leave and now he is being the husband of my dreams.
  
  I think these type of men can 'read' us pretty well. I think on some level he knew that you had ENOUGH, so they 'behave' UNTIL the next round.
  
  Your story reminds me a lot of a friend of mines story who was in counseling. One day the counselor gave her some hand outs and by mistake included a page of her notes. My friend told me she felt like she had been slapped in the face because the counselor had written:
  
  She is willing to prostitute herself for the sake of security.
  
  My friend said those words really stung because they were so true. She given up living an authentic, happy life because she was seduced by her extravagant lifestyle.
  
  And I completely understand. It is a lot easier to walk away from from a hovel or even ordinary then it is a really nice home, a mercedes, etc. Especially when society tells us that all of the trappings of success is the most important thing that there is.
  
  My friends husband had the money and temperment to fight dirty and he did. So be prepared for that as well, should you decide in the future to make a move. Good luck.
• Reply #4 11/09/09  10:14am
  
  mayflowers53
  VNG: I agree that no one can tell you when to leave. I am reading yet another book (about leaving an addictive relationship) and loved this suggestion - keep a relationship journal. The author had noticed in her counseling, that too many of her clients would decide to leave and then the other person would do something nice, and they were hooked again. She found that having them keep a relationship journal that just listed the ups and downs, that they were then able to go back and see what the relationship was really like!! You could start one now and go back to things you remember (both good and bad). I thought it was a wonderful idea!!
  I was in a marriage with 8 kids (3 special needs), been a stay at home mom and felt trapped! I started planning my escape (wish I had done a better job) but at the same time hoping things would get better - they only got worse!! I would recommend, also, that you find out what your legal rights are - if I had known that, I probably would have left a LOT sooner!! Do your homework, girl, and try to get your ducks in a roll - take a step back and look at your situation objectively and at YOURSELF most of all -
  Someone asked me how I found the strength to leave - #! GOD, but I had to face my greatest fears - which were that I might have to live on public assistance - I decided I would rather face that possibility then continue how I was living!!
  Good luck - and this group is here for you =]
• Reply #5 11/09/09  11:14am
  
  VERYNICEGIRL
  Thank you , thank you for the replies! It means so much to me! I hate that I'm so confused, right now. I sure wasn't a few weeks ago! I just don't know for sure, where to begin. I think I will look for counseling, and do some book reading!
  
  Thank you, everyone!
• Reply #6 11/09/09  3:14pm
  
  Lisa4bama
  I have not started it ye but my counselor recommended a new book. It may be helpful.
  
  Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody.

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.