Discussion Topic
Closure Letter
Posted on 11/07/09, 11:52 pm
I was going thru my word documents and stumbled across this. I have posted it before but we have several new people on the board that I thought might appreciate it and I was too lazy to try to find the original post:
I am reading a book called Narcissist Lovers, How to Cope, Recover and Move on by Cynthia Zayn.
This is a letter from the book that someone wrote (but did not send) to her EX. I feel that I could have written this letter myself verbatim (I guess they are all the same just occasionally change faces) I did add a couple of things particular to my situation.
I want this to remind me of what the true nature of the relationship was, when I want to romanticize it or think only of the intense physical attraction. I am sure the reason why he was so great in bed is his massive experience level since the thought nothing to using women and then discarding them like Kleenex.
I hear that echoed on this board: What if I do not find someone who kisses like that? Who excites me like that? Some of that excitement is based on the drama he builds by continuing to devalue you and keep you knowing that he is not really quite there. He may be there physically, but never actually present or in tune to your needs or wants.
I can find someone who is exciting, fun, smart AND kind and emotionally available. The relationship may not have the same energy as my previous one, but that energy included staying in an almost constant state of anxiety and trying to tip toe around him as I constantly tried to figure out how to please him and make him happy. But a Narc always has one foot out the door and is scanning constantly for his next source of supply. I did not realize what I was dealing with at the time, but I could sense in my gut that something was very wrong.
START BOOK
Having discovered my own co-dependent tendencies, I acknowledge my desire to fix things and make everything right. I realize now that somewhere along the way I lost myself and my identity and became a mirror to reflect the important people in my life. Their interest became my own as I tried shape myself into their perfect mate.
Today, I am spending time trying to reconnect with my self. It has not been easy because sometimes I did not know who I am and attempt to gather my identity from others. I know there will still be times when I will miss you, long for your touch and want what I thought we had. But I am well on my way to recovery. While I know I will miss you, there is no way that I would ever be able to get back together with you knowing what I now know.
To be in a relationship with you, I would have to compromise my integrity. I would have to look the other way when you came home late from work. I would have to pretend not to notice that you were checking out and commenting on women right in front of me. I would have to deal with many comparisons to your past lovers. I would have to pretend to believe you when you said you were on the internet researching something for work.
I would have to deal with the constant devaluation and the subtle put downs. In order to stay with you I would have to start believing those negative things about myself. I would have to believe that I was not really worthy of your love, I could not get anyone better and I should be grateful for what I had. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror I would eventually see an unreliable, bitter, insecure, clingy, unworthy woman staring back. Staying with you would mean complete soul killing self destruction.
END
After reading this, I thought about a time I went to his house and asked to see pictures of his 4 year old daughter. She lived out of State, so I had never met her and did not carry a picture in his wallet. He handed me 2 photo albums, which included a lot of pictures of the ex-wife. They had been together for 14 years and he had met her when she was only 21 years old.
When I looked thru the pictures, there was not ONE picture where this woman looked happy or was smiling with her baby. Not one. So I asked him: Why doesn't she look happy? And he said: Oh that is just the way she is, she wasn't upset or anything, or I would not have been taking her picture.
I realize now that the poor thing HAD turned into what is described above. She had 14 years of constant insecurity. He told me that before they were married, she would come to his house at 3am and pound on the door demanding to know who was in there. That is the type of man that he was. You innately knew that he could not be trusted (with good reason).
This was probably at the beginning, when her instincts were still functioning. To live with a Narcissist sex addict is to have to shut down your intuition completely or you will go mad. Since the illusion they are trying to project has no correlation to their actions; eventually you shut down from sheer frustration.
I do not need to be, nor will I be, in a relationship that demands this much compromise. I remember the first time he left to go on a trip, I told myself: This one will not be keeping his dick in his pants. I knew it, but just switched it off. I later wondered if I could spend my life being willing to look the other way. When I caught him emailing other women and telling them horrific lies, I knew that I could not. I am a person of truth, honesty and integrity and that is what I am looking for in partner. I will no longer compromise those things for an extremely attractive man and intense chemistry. Frankly I would rather be alone then get back on the roller coaster ride.
I am reading a book called Narcissist Lovers, How to Cope, Recover and Move on by Cynthia Zayn.
This is a letter that someone wrote (but did not send) to her EX. I feel that I could have written this letter myself verbatim (I guess they are all the same just occasionally change faces) I did add a couple of things particular to my situation.
I want this to remind me of what the true nature of the relationship was, when I want to romanticize it or think only of the intense physical attraction. I am sure the reason why he was so great in bed is his massive experience level since the thought nothing to using women and then discarding them like Kleenex.
I hear that echoed on this board: What if I do not find someone who kisses like that? Who excites me like that? Some of that excitement is based on the drama he builds by continuing to devalue you and keep you knowing that he is not really quite there. He may be there physically, but never actually present or in tune to your needs or wants.
I can find someone who is exciting, fun, smart AND kind and emotionally available. The relationship may not have the same energy as my previous one, but that energy included staying in an almost constant state of anxiety and trying to tip toe around him as I constantly tried to figure out how to please him and make him happy. But a Narc always has one foot out the door and is scanning constantly for his next source of supply. I did not realize what I was dealing with at the time, but I could sense in my gut that something was very wrong.
START BOOK
Having discovered my own co-dependent tendencies, I acknowledge my desire to fix things and make everything right. I realize now that somewhere along the way I lost myself and my identity and became a mirror to reflect the important people in my life. Their interest became my own as I tried shape myself into their perfect mate.
Today, I am spending time trying to reconnect with my self. It has not been easy because sometimes I did not know who I am and attempt to gather my identity from others. I know there will still be times when I will miss you, long for your touch and want what I thought we had. But I am well on my way to recovery. While I know I will miss you, there is no way that I would ever be able to get back together with you knowing what I now know.
To be in a relationship with you, I would have to compromise my integrity. I would have to look the other way when you came home late from work. I would have to pretend not to notice that you were checking out and commenting on women right in front of me. I would have to deal with many comparisons to your past lovers. I would have to pretend to believe you when you said you were on the internet researching something for work.
I would have to deal with the constant devaluation and the subtle put downs. In order to stay with you I would have to start believing those negative things about myself. I would have to believe that I was not really worthy of your love, I could not get anyone better and I should be grateful for what I had. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror I would eventually see an unreliable, bitter, insecure, clingy, unworthy woman staring back. Staying with you would mean complete soul killing self destruction.
END
After reading this, I thought about a time I went to his house and asked to see pictures of his 4 year old daughter. She lived out of State, so I had never met her and did not carry a picture in his wallet. He handed me 2 photo albums, which included a lot of pictures of the ex-wife. They had been together for 14 years and he had met her when she was only 21 years old.
When I looked thru the pictures, there was not ONE picture where this woman looked happy or was smiling with her baby. Not one. So I asked him: Why doesn't she look happy? And he said: Oh that is just the way she is, she wasn't upset or anything, or I would not have been taking her picture.
I realize now that the poor thing HAD turned into what is described above. She had 14 years of constant insecurity. He told me that before they were married, she would come to his house at 3am and pound on the door demanding to know who was in there. That is the type of man that he was. You innately knew that he could not be trusted (with good reason).
This was probably at the beginning, when her instincts were still functioning. To live with a Narcissist sex addict is to have to shut down your intuition completely or you will go mad. Since the illusion they are trying to project has no correlation to their actions; eventually you shut down from sheer frustration.
I do not need to be, nor will I be, in a relationship that demands this much compromise. I remember the first time he left to go on a trip, I told myself: This one will not be keeping his dick in his pants. I knew it, but just switched it off. I later wondered if I could spend my life being willing to look the other way. When I caught him emailing other women and telling them horrific lies, I knew that I could not. I am a person of truth, honesty and integrity and that is what I am looking for in partner. I will no longer compromise those things for an extremely attractive man and intense chemistry. Frankly I would rather be alone then get back on the roller coaster ride.
I am reading a book called Narcissist Lovers, How to Cope, Recover and Move on by Cynthia Zayn.
This is a letter from the book that someone wrote (but did not send) to her EX. I feel that I could have written this letter myself verbatim (I guess they are all the same just occasionally change faces) I did add a couple of things particular to my situation.
I want this to remind me of what the true nature of the relationship was, when I want to romanticize it or think only of the intense physical attraction. I am sure the reason why he was so great in bed is his massive experience level since the thought nothing to using women and then discarding them like Kleenex.
I hear that echoed on this board: What if I do not find someone who kisses like that? Who excites me like that? Some of that excitement is based on the drama he builds by continuing to devalue you and keep you knowing that he is not really quite there. He may be there physically, but never actually present or in tune to your needs or wants.
I can find someone who is exciting, fun, smart AND kind and emotionally available. The relationship may not have the same energy as my previous one, but that energy included staying in an almost constant state of anxiety and trying to tip toe around him as I constantly tried to figure out how to please him and make him happy. But a Narc always has one foot out the door and is scanning constantly for his next source of supply. I did not realize what I was dealing with at the time, but I could sense in my gut that something was very wrong.
START BOOK
Having discovered my own co-dependent tendencies, I acknowledge my desire to fix things and make everything right. I realize now that somewhere along the way I lost myself and my identity and became a mirror to reflect the important people in my life. Their interest became my own as I tried shape myself into their perfect mate.
Today, I am spending time trying to reconnect with my self. It has not been easy because sometimes I did not know who I am and attempt to gather my identity from others. I know there will still be times when I will miss you, long for your touch and want what I thought we had. But I am well on my way to recovery. While I know I will miss you, there is no way that I would ever be able to get back together with you knowing what I now know.
To be in a relationship with you, I would have to compromise my integrity. I would have to look the other way when you came home late from work. I would have to pretend not to notice that you were checking out and commenting on women right in front of me. I would have to deal with many comparisons to your past lovers. I would have to pretend to believe you when you said you were on the internet researching something for work.
I would have to deal with the constant devaluation and the subtle put downs. In order to stay with you I would have to start believing those negative things about myself. I would have to believe that I was not really worthy of your love, I could not get anyone better and I should be grateful for what I had. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror I would eventually see an unreliable, bitter, insecure, clingy, unworthy woman staring back. Staying with you would mean complete soul killing self destruction.
END
After reading this, I thought about a time I went to his house and asked to see pictures of his 4 year old daughter. She lived out of State, so I had never met her and did not carry a picture in his wallet. He handed me 2 photo albums, which included a lot of pictures of the ex-wife. They had been together for 14 years and he had met her when she was only 21 years old.
When I looked thru the pictures, there was not ONE picture where this woman looked happy or was smiling with her baby. Not one. So I asked him: Why doesn't she look happy? And he said: Oh that is just the way she is, she wasn't upset or anything, or I would not have been taking her picture.
I realize now that the poor thing HAD turned into what is described above. She had 14 years of constant insecurity. He told me that before they were married, she would come to his house at 3am and pound on the door demanding to know who was in there. That is the type of man that he was. You innately knew that he could not be trusted (with good reason).
This was probably at the beginning, when her instincts were still functioning. To live with a Narcissist sex addict is to have to shut down your intuition completely or you will go mad. Since the illusion they are trying to project has no correlation to their actions; eventually you shut down from sheer frustration.
I do not need to be, nor will I be, in a relationship that demands this much compromise. I remember the first time he left to go on a trip, I told myself: This one will not be keeping his dick in his pants. I knew it, but just switched it off. I later wondered if I could spend my life being willing to look the other way. When I caught him emailing other women and telling them horrific lies, I knew that I could not. I am a person of truth, honesty and integrity and that is what I am looking for in partner. I will no longer compromise those things for an extremely attractive man and intense chemistry. Frankly I would rather be alone then get back on the roller coaster ride.
I am reading a book called Narcissist Lovers, How to Cope, Recover and Move on by Cynthia Zayn.
This is a letter that someone wrote (but did not send) to her EX. I feel that I could have written this letter myself verbatim (I guess they are all the same just occasionally change faces) I did add a couple of things particular to my situation.
I want this to remind me of what the true nature of the relationship was, when I want to romanticize it or think only of the intense physical attraction. I am sure the reason why he was so great in bed is his massive experience level since the thought nothing to using women and then discarding them like Kleenex.
I hear that echoed on this board: What if I do not find someone who kisses like that? Who excites me like that? Some of that excitement is based on the drama he builds by continuing to devalue you and keep you knowing that he is not really quite there. He may be there physically, but never actually present or in tune to your needs or wants.
I can find someone who is exciting, fun, smart AND kind and emotionally available. The relationship may not have the same energy as my previous one, but that energy included staying in an almost constant state of anxiety and trying to tip toe around him as I constantly tried to figure out how to please him and make him happy. But a Narc always has one foot out the door and is scanning constantly for his next source of supply. I did not realize what I was dealing with at the time, but I could sense in my gut that something was very wrong.
START BOOK
Having discovered my own co-dependent tendencies, I acknowledge my desire to fix things and make everything right. I realize now that somewhere along the way I lost myself and my identity and became a mirror to reflect the important people in my life. Their interest became my own as I tried shape myself into their perfect mate.
Today, I am spending time trying to reconnect with my self. It has not been easy because sometimes I did not know who I am and attempt to gather my identity from others. I know there will still be times when I will miss you, long for your touch and want what I thought we had. But I am well on my way to recovery. While I know I will miss you, there is no way that I would ever be able to get back together with you knowing what I now know.
To be in a relationship with you, I would have to compromise my integrity. I would have to look the other way when you came home late from work. I would have to pretend not to notice that you were checking out and commenting on women right in front of me. I would have to deal with many comparisons to your past lovers. I would have to pretend to believe you when you said you were on the internet researching something for work.
I would have to deal with the constant devaluation and the subtle put downs. In order to stay with you I would have to start believing those negative things about myself. I would have to believe that I was not really worthy of your love, I could not get anyone better and I should be grateful for what I had. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror I would eventually see an unreliable, bitter, insecure, clingy, unworthy woman staring back. Staying with you would mean complete soul killing self destruction.
END
After reading this, I thought about a time I went to his house and asked to see pictures of his 4 year old daughter. She lived out of State, so I had never met her and did not carry a picture in his wallet. He handed me 2 photo albums, which included a lot of pictures of the ex-wife. They had been together for 14 years and he had met her when she was only 21 years old.
When I looked thru the pictures, there was not ONE picture where this woman looked happy or was smiling with her baby. Not one. So I asked him: Why doesn't she look happy? And he said: Oh that is just the way she is, she wasn't upset or anything, or I would not have been taking her picture.
I realize now that the poor thing HAD turned into what is described above. She had 14 years of constant insecurity. He told me that before they were married, she would come to his house at 3am and pound on the door demanding to know who was in there. That is the type of man that he was. You innately knew that he could not be trusted (with good reason).
This was probably at the beginning, when her instincts were still functioning. To live with a Narcissist sex addict is to have to shut down your intuition completely or you will go mad. Since the illusion they are trying to project has no correlation to their actions; eventually you shut down from sheer frustration.
I do not need to be, nor will I be, in a relationship that demands this much compromise. I remember the first time he left to go on a trip, I told myself: This one will not be keeping his dick in his pants. I knew it, but just switched it off. I later wondered if I could spend my life being willing to look the other way. When I caught him emailing other women and telling them horrific lies, I knew that I could not. I am a person of truth, honesty and integrity and that is what I am looking for in partner. I will no longer compromise those things for an extremely attractive man and intense chemistry. Frankly I would rather be alone then get back on the roller coaster ride.
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Reply #1 11/08/09 8:21am
I still struggle to read this stuff and feel sad by what I put up with above is a great example of my situation.
I lost myself , i put my hand up ashamed that I let a person do it to me but I now know why it happend and why I struggled with this man and my childhood has been opened up the lies and abuse came out and dealt with and now I walk taller than I ever have and understand myself insecurities , strengths and the whole package.
Thanks to this site and the wonderful women who make it.
peace and love x -
Reply #2 11/08/09 2:17pm
When I read this I sicken myself a little. I go back and forth thinking "oh he really was a good guy." Then I think of the times when he said " where will you find someone like that?" or " there are no men out there that will marry a woman with a young child, they will only live with you too". or "who can make you feel like this in bed?". He actually said to me not so long ago.... " I know if I satisfy you in bed you will never go anywhere else". At the same time he is pulling away and playing the "hot/cold" game....... I am being gentle with myself, but how could I have thought this was a good relationship? I know I saw the relationship for the promises I was given and what I hoped it to be. Sometimes I just want to smack myself. -
Reply #3 11/08/09 4:53pm
Lisa,
Please try to detach yourself from these types of subtle put downs:
where will you find someone like that?" or " there are no men out there that will marry a woman with a young child, they will only live with you too
You are a beautiful woman AND I can tell by all of your posts that you are caring, kind and intelligent. The real question is who WOULD not want a woman just like you? Plenty of people.
Typical dysfunctional man trying to lower your self esteem to keep you tied to them. Bascially trying to brain washing into thinking 'this is as good as it gets' so they can continue to treat you poorly and hope that continue to tolerate the treatment and not look else where.
Please do continue to be gentle with yourself. The longer you stay away from him, the clearer your focus will become. I also thought XN was as good as it gets. I was telling MYSELF that. He did such a good job building HIMSELF up that I started to believe it. Well I can see clearly now and the longer you stay away from him, the more clearly you shall see that what you left behind was years of heartache and pain. And what you are walking towards is a better future for you and your daughter.
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Reply #4 11/08/09 7:54pm
Thank you Susy. I think I am a pretty good catch... ha ha . These men I attract really make me question that though. I actually had a man at church approach me tonight and ask if he could come help me with yard work. I told him I was fine and then he proceeds to tell me that his divorce was final. Ummm.... I did not ask and I don't care. Thankfully one of my friends saw what was happening and rescued me. I am just happy that it turned my stomach instead of making me feel like I can help him. Ugh !! I am ready to take a break from men and focus on myself and my daughter.
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