Discussion Topic
why
Posted on 11/07/09, 05:10 pm
does anyone else keep thinking 'why' why didnt he love me....why didnt it work out i loved him so much....why couldnt he just except my love....why was he soo horrible why why why....and i guess most importantly why did i put up with the shit for 2 years....a normally confident sane vibrant happy women...who just wanted him sooo much wanted it to work soooo much wanted to be a family with this man and thought maybe at 50 years old and with 2 babies in 2 years he would try to change his ways and just want something more than just thinking about himself......i guess i should have known that he would never be any different with me (hes never had a relationship thats lasted more than 2 years no kids or anything until now) i just hoped id be the one!
god it really hurts....i havent seen him since my son was 2 weeks old so im doing well i guess on the no contact thing....i just keep telling myself if he wanted me...his kids....he would be here....although everyone keeps telling me to be careful and that he will be back when he needs something or when his life is shit which it will be he has alot of debt and problems!
must get myself strong and as healed as possible....must just work on me and my kids.....i like the advice to just think 'its none of my business' when i think of him and what hes up to (which is all the time!!)....im finding reading everyones stories so helpful....i wish i had known about this site months ago when he left me 2 months before our son was born....it would have helped me get through the emotion then and also would not have let me get sucked back in once my baby was born only for him to shit all over me 2 weeks later.....i really find it sooo hard to understand how someone can lack compassion for someone who they supposedly care for....but as ive just read....as a caring loving giving person i kinda want that back from my partner and cant understand when it doesnt happen....reading stories has helped me to understand that he just wasnt able to....thank you everyone....this is really helping me....x
god it really hurts....i havent seen him since my son was 2 weeks old so im doing well i guess on the no contact thing....i just keep telling myself if he wanted me...his kids....he would be here....although everyone keeps telling me to be careful and that he will be back when he needs something or when his life is shit which it will be he has alot of debt and problems!
must get myself strong and as healed as possible....must just work on me and my kids.....i like the advice to just think 'its none of my business' when i think of him and what hes up to (which is all the time!!)....im finding reading everyones stories so helpful....i wish i had known about this site months ago when he left me 2 months before our son was born....it would have helped me get through the emotion then and also would not have let me get sucked back in once my baby was born only for him to shit all over me 2 weeks later.....i really find it sooo hard to understand how someone can lack compassion for someone who they supposedly care for....but as ive just read....as a caring loving giving person i kinda want that back from my partner and cant understand when it doesnt happen....reading stories has helped me to understand that he just wasnt able to....thank you everyone....this is really helping me....x
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Reply #1 11/07/09 9:47pm
I am glad you are here Emma. The supportive women here will help you be strong. I understand the feeling about wondering what he is doing. Who he is with. It is torture. I sometimes can not breathe for thinking of it. I look myself in the mirror when I do this and tell myself it is none of my business. I tell myself until I believe it. it works enough to calm me down and get my brain onto something else. I also tell myself that I am happier without all of the turmoil. I truly am. I just have to learn to live without the drama. It has been part of my life for so long it is like breaking a drug addiction. I may be alone (without him) but I am happier. The unconditional love of your children will help you through too. When I look at my five year old (from ex-husband, nit recent ex-boyfriend) I realize that myself and my baby are enough. It does not help the "crazies" from always coming in, but it helps drive them out. Remember that whoever he is with now is going to see the same light we are seeing, at some point. You just have to be strong enough to not let them back in. I My recent ex is 37. We would think at their age they would grow up. That they would see what they are doing. The problem with these "men" is that they do not see anything wrong with themselves. They actually see themselves as a great catch. They are truly delusional. We have to want more for ourselves. We are amazing just as we are. We just need to really know this and practice it. When we are in recovery we will run from these jerks... and be better off! Hang in there. You are among friends here. -
Reply #2 11/07/09 11:47pm
Hi Emma,
I am sorry for your pain. They are incapable of changing, so therefore we can only changes ourselves. We do not have tolerate this degrading type of behavior. A kind, loving and healthy person does not leave their partner shortly before and after the birth of their child. How horrible for you. You need all of your energy to recover from childbirth and taking care of two sweet, but demanding babies. Stay strong. -
Reply #3 11/08/09 4:45am
Be well Emma,
You are blessed you will not have to walk the path of uncertainty with this spiritually weak clown. His age is neither here nor there his life choices are the mirror of his who he is.
Wishing for what he is capable of on your own time clock just scews up your time on this planet. Move forward with the knowledge he is out of your life and son's life for a good reason and maybe there is someone watching over you ?
Peace and Love,
Kris -
Reply #4 11/08/09 5:11am
thankyou all so much.....your words have moved me to tears this morning....i really hope i can in the future give such wonderful advice and help to others!!
i have written down a few key sentences that i really like from the advice given and put them in front of me by my computer so whenever i feel week i will keep reading them.....instead of going on facebook 3 times a day to see what hes up to...(by the way i finally deleted him this week so i can no longer torture myself) i am now going to check into these discussion pages for words of wisdom to help me through!
You are soo right about breaking the drama cycle....its very addictive.....my friends keep saying to me that you absolutely cant be in love with such a man......but youre in love with the idea of what you wanted it all to be.....the family......but in the end you are also so right that i am much happier without the constant feeling of being insecure the knot in my stomach..the worry of being totally ponced off of....of being with someone who just takes and never or very rarely gives back....it had gotten to the point that i was over the moon to receive a text from him!! how sad is that!....had been so conditioned....had had all my expectations completely squashed......
a thought occured to me yesterday......its going to be really weird to be with a man who just loves me for who i am.....who cares about me and my children....who takes pleasure out of pleasing me basically someone who gives on all levels like i do......i actually got quite excited for a moment......and then thought nah!! noone will probably want me.....38 3 children (2 very little) a bit overweight.....i worry that i wil always feel the jealousy and insecurity that i felt with him...(even though i was married for 13 years before i met him and never felt insecure or jealous...we just fell out of love)....
its hard to think that he is in his flat and doesnt think he has done anything wrong.....thinks that its all me and my insecurities....probably thinks that ive ruined his chance at being a dad.....do you not think that there are any dark quiet moments in his life where he might think....i treated her like shit...and if im honest with myself i like the idea of kids for my ego but they dont really fit in with my life.....and youre sooo right about the 'catch' thing!! he does think hes gods gift!!......will probably end up with some 20 something....i thought the other day oh god i dont want him to love someone else....and then i thought back to all the things ive been reading and just thought hang on a mo......he couldnt love me the mother of his kids how can he love someone else! it will just be sex....and good sex for about 4 or 5 months and then the games will begin....the total withrawal of it just to see how it makes her feel...never initiating it.....not really making any effort....never going to bed until 3 in the morning....games 'hideous' hope they get out long before i did!
thanks again everyone for reading and helping.....x -
Reply #5 11/08/09 8:08am
Journal everything.
You wanted his love and acceptance but he doesn't even like himself so how can he love anyone else. Seriously any negativity just is his unhappiness with himself......please remember nothing/zero to do with you ........ but it takes a while for you to see that x
He will regret this.
Peace x
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Reply #6 11/08/09 9:05am
Hey Emma,
It sounds like you have some really wise friends letting you know that you what you are in love with is actually the fantasy and not the reality. That is one of the characteristics in WWL2M book:
#10 More in touch with a dream than reality
We live in a fantasy world, where the man we are so unhappy with is transformed into what we are sure he can become. Will become with our help. Because we know nothing about what it is to be happy, or having our emotional needs met, the "dream' is as close as we dare to having what we want. If we had a man who was everything we wanted, what would he need us for? and all that compulsion and talent for helping would have no where to operate,(and we make the drama if this is so)
so we are attracted to men who would normally send up red flags to any healthy person, and we dream on of what could be after all our hard work. A great man just needs a great woman or something.
Do not worry about the next guy right now. Someone will want you because you are a loving, kind and decent person. So what if you are a bit over weight? You JUST had a baby, that will take care of itself.
Right now is just about taking care of YOU.
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WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
