Discussion Topic
He was emotionally unavailable, and truthfully, I'm beginning to realize that I am not, either....
Posted on 11/06/09, 12:31 pm
Well you know, I admit that P (the ex) is completely emotionally unavailable. Memories have been surfacing the past three weeks that have pointed again and again to how many times and ways he told me he just wasn't a good idea. The most recurring memory I'm having right now is of us lying on my couch, talking and cuddling after I'd made him (I'm correcting this sentence to reflect the truth, I wasn't cooking for US I was cooking for HIM- trying to please him to show him how good of a wife I could be) an amazing dinner.... and I remember looking at him and telling him that I was really beginning to fall for him... that I had such stars in my eyes. And I can see clear as day the deer-in-the-headlights look he gave me. And he said, "I'm broken, and I don't know if I can ever be fixed." And I can't quite remember the words I said in response.... I think it was something like, that's okay, I'm broken too.
I thought it was a way for us to bond, one more thing I had in common with him. When in reality, what he was saying was, I'm FUCKED UP and will never be able to have an honest, open, emotionally-connected relationship with you.
Isn't it amazing how we ignore what is right in front of us, because there is this NEED within us to try to overcome past situations that were impossible to win before? We have this drive within us to try and rehash our "shit" and to OVERCOME and to WIN and to PROVE (I love that word) how worthy we are, so that they just won't leave.
I'm beginning to see that I've been emotionally unavailable, too. I think some of us will balk at the thought that we're the ones who are emotionally unavailable, but it's true. I've not been even capable of feeling what I feel. I mean to say, to be actually CAPABLE of identifying what it is that I felt, what I wanted for ME, not "us", not what I wanted FROM HIM, or for HIM TO DO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER.
I've been working some things through for the last few weeks, and things are getting better. I'm more in my soup of dealing with ME and my messy-ness (extremely uncomfortable along with being physically sick) than I am in my addiction to P.
My boundaries are coming back up. And I'm not talking about WALLS, ladies. I'm talking about boundaries. Healthy ones. Ones that say, "eww you know, this doesn't feel good. I don't like this. I don't want this." And then doing something ABOUT it.
I cast off the last anchoring line I had to him. I stood up for myself and said that this "friendship" doesn't feel good to me. That I care more about feeling good and being healthy and happy than I do about maintaining an illusion. And, I said that I'd be okay. And that I'm sure he'll be okay, too. And, I said goodbye.
Just that. Good bye. In an upbeat tone, because I knew that it was the truth. FINALLY. I meant it.
What I realized is that I'm not LOSING anything. I'm not. I still have ME. And I've promised myself that I will not abandon me ever again. I will not be a cactus with mush inside..... I will instead be a strong tree, like the one that is on the Connecticut quarter.... that giant oak. With roots deeeeeep down, the STRONG ONE. Strong on the inside, and flexible like all the beautiful branches overhead, providing shade, and the air that we all need to breathe.
Getting in touch with MY FEELINGS has helped this process tremendously. I ask myself when I'm feeling something, what is that? What am I feeling? And I follow it down like the hare, following it to the end of the tunnel until I find what it IS that I am feeling that has to do with ME, not anyone else.
And it's working. IT'S WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought it was a way for us to bond, one more thing I had in common with him. When in reality, what he was saying was, I'm FUCKED UP and will never be able to have an honest, open, emotionally-connected relationship with you.
Isn't it amazing how we ignore what is right in front of us, because there is this NEED within us to try to overcome past situations that were impossible to win before? We have this drive within us to try and rehash our "shit" and to OVERCOME and to WIN and to PROVE (I love that word) how worthy we are, so that they just won't leave.
I'm beginning to see that I've been emotionally unavailable, too. I think some of us will balk at the thought that we're the ones who are emotionally unavailable, but it's true. I've not been even capable of feeling what I feel. I mean to say, to be actually CAPABLE of identifying what it is that I felt, what I wanted for ME, not "us", not what I wanted FROM HIM, or for HIM TO DO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER.
I've been working some things through for the last few weeks, and things are getting better. I'm more in my soup of dealing with ME and my messy-ness (extremely uncomfortable along with being physically sick) than I am in my addiction to P.
My boundaries are coming back up. And I'm not talking about WALLS, ladies. I'm talking about boundaries. Healthy ones. Ones that say, "eww you know, this doesn't feel good. I don't like this. I don't want this." And then doing something ABOUT it.
I cast off the last anchoring line I had to him. I stood up for myself and said that this "friendship" doesn't feel good to me. That I care more about feeling good and being healthy and happy than I do about maintaining an illusion. And, I said that I'd be okay. And that I'm sure he'll be okay, too. And, I said goodbye.
Just that. Good bye. In an upbeat tone, because I knew that it was the truth. FINALLY. I meant it.
What I realized is that I'm not LOSING anything. I'm not. I still have ME. And I've promised myself that I will not abandon me ever again. I will not be a cactus with mush inside..... I will instead be a strong tree, like the one that is on the Connecticut quarter.... that giant oak. With roots deeeeeep down, the STRONG ONE. Strong on the inside, and flexible like all the beautiful branches overhead, providing shade, and the air that we all need to breathe.
Getting in touch with MY FEELINGS has helped this process tremendously. I ask myself when I'm feeling something, what is that? What am I feeling? And I follow it down like the hare, following it to the end of the tunnel until I find what it IS that I am feeling that has to do with ME, not anyone else.
And it's working. IT'S WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
Reply #1 11/06/09 2:43pm
Reading this post literally got me teary-eyed. I'm so glad for you and I hope that some of your strength will rub off on me. I'm sure you've heard that quote about a rising tide carrying all ships, well your rising tide is carrying me and giving me some hope...and believe me, I need it so much! Best wishes for you :-) -
Reply #2 11/06/09 5:59pm
Hey Tort,
That is an amazing post. I am so happy for you that you are feeling strong and hopeful. I recently had that same realization about my own emotional state. I claim to want a true relationship, but by continuing to partner with emotionally unavailable men, I am making sure to keep true intimacy as far away from myself as possible. -
Reply #3 11/06/09 6:25pm
Thank you Tort. I needed that and I also cried through it. Good for you!!! -
Reply #4 11/06/09 11:05pm
Great post and I relate sooooooooooooo much. I've thought alot about being emotionally unavailable also. By being with someone who is emotionally unavailable it keeps me from being in a truly intimate relationship. I think in the past I have truly been afraid to be in a real relationship. I didn't see that then, but I see that now. So like you and everyone on this site I keep working on ME. I keep digging through the layers trying to get to the inside. Trying to figure out what is keeping me from being in the kind of relationship I say I want. And I like what you said about boundaries, not walls. -
Reply #5 11/06/09 11:56pm
Well it doesn't mean everything is roses.... by 7pm tonight I was crying my eyes out, wondering what the heck is my purpose on this planet. I feel like I had a dream, a purpose, and now I just don't even know where to put the next step.... I'm really feeling lost, and being sick and hormonal isn't helping either. I know that it is a phase, and I'm getting really working on being "okay" with NOT BEING OKAY. So I cried, just let it out, and went tanning. Tanning helps me during winter times (grew up in Alaska... I really need the sun--especially when life is grey). Then when I was done, I cried more. It just wasn't out yet. And even now, I'm still imbued with the need for more tears of release.
You know, if anyone is really interested in getting into your OWN feelings and your OWN "shite"... I'd really recommend buying this program called "Modern Siren" by Rori Raye. It's expensive, I won't kid you. But it's amazing. I listen to it every night. And I notice that when I do not listen to it, I start to fall back into old patterns of thought. Modern Siren is about gaining strength and re-wiring your thought patterns. It's not about a GUY.... it's about US. Being irresistible. Being SECURE in ourselves.... as women! Just as US.
Anyways, that's where I'm at, tonight. Ups and downs, but it's REAL, ladies. And we ARE real. Remember that.
<3 -
Reply #6 11/07/09 9:29am
There is nothing wrong with crying- the release of those emotions. Don't be so hard on yourself. You need to give yourself time to grieve. It is certainly a loss- sometimes like a death. Be kind to yourself.
And about the time I feel like I've got this beat- I wind up crying too. I always try to think tomorrow another day!! -
Reply #7 11/07/09 9:57am
tortawgirl...... May I say how pretty you look in your photo, what a lovely kind face you have....
I liked the bit in your first writing say that you had not lost anything, And I thought, when James moved out I have not lost him as I never really had him, it was not a "relationship" I lost my self worth and am getting that back and I lost what I thought I could have with him but that was never real and not realistic. So by him going I have lost nothing. I can find comfort in that I tried, and believing what he said and gave hime the benifit of the doubt as I am a nice kind loving person and I wanted to believe him and give it ago, thought we would both benifit if we learnt aboout each other and comprimisedm but with him there was no comprimising on anything. But I know it really is his loss. I am not perfect and have issues but I can identify these and work on them and I can give. the men we describe here will not admit they have a problem, yes they might say " I am broken" but they dont really men it and want to change, they will always continue in there circal of life and will not find true happiness ever, cause even if they find some one adore , they will not how to give. remember that. I pitty the next girl, i honestly do.
vicki
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WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
