Good afternoon everyone,
I am a French woman (47 years old) I live near Paris and would like to thank you all for your authenticity and sincere sharing. I have read your forum for more than five years, then decided to join and only now to share my story with you: I have lived for 13 years with an emotionally unavailable man, and it took me ten long years to actually recognize and fully understand the reality of our relationship. I have a child from a previous ( unhappy) relationship, and thought I could have a happy joyful family life with my new partner. It was all in my head, all in my dreams and I believed it so much that it seemed almost real. I thought he loved me, cared for me, shared my life when I was actually deceiving and fooling myself.... He used me as an excuse not to be truly involved, he avoided the responsability of being a father and "performed" this role with my child, he lived in the house that I bought alone ( I thought it was OUR home), he didn't share the bills, and was basically like a wagon full of stones that I had to pull along years after years...
but one day .....TADA!!
In 2008 I was blessed with breast cancer! It may sound weird but this really changed and saved my life! I was so stubborn and blind that I needed this massive kick in the butt! I was slowly dying and drowning in guilt and exhaustion when I WAS FORCED TO STOP thanks to my worst friend or best enemy: cancer.
There in my bed, standing still for the first time I was made to WATCH around me and I SAW the reality of what I was doing with my life. That same year I had met a married man at work, called Pierre. We fell in love. And the mix of cancer + this love was like the French revolution in my life!! But this time it would not be MY head sous la guillotine! I still can't believe the energy that carried me! I left my boyfriend, because these two signals were too big. Pierre left his wife! This was in September 2008, he came to live with me, I was sick, desperate and utterly confused and he chose to live with ME! We got married last year . :))))
Believe me I went through all the feelings that you mention here:
For over Three years I was constantly thinking about my ex CONS-TAN-TLY. I was doing everything, walking, talking, working....while obsessing about him. Half of my brain was constanly dedicated to thinking about my ex; EVERYTHING was a trigger, every book I read, everything I did or heared or said! I tought I was mad not to be able to enjoy my new love peacefully, I was haunted, every single minute of my day! My friends didn't understand my problem and thought I was incoherent and foolish. You can't possibly imagine how this forum helped me. :) THANK YOU! I finally got fellow suffering sisters! My love for Pierre was not the question, the point was I was leaving my old self, when you start destroying something it falls down, and down and down.... You can't save anything of your old dead skin, and I grieved this loss, I grieve my old self, and I was SOOOO scared of change, paralysed by fear...... All my old tricks and habits had to be left behind to progress, I had to let go my thoughts, believes, dreams, hopes, addictive painful process...
I started therapy in 2009 and had a weekly meeting for two years, I have never worked so eagerly on anything in my entire life! I have read hundreds of books, planted a garden to celebrate my new love, written all the thoughts that I couldn't handle on a skylantern that I sent it in the sky, I have been through every possible emotion: fear, anger, frustration, despair now I am finally recovering. I do not hurt anymore when I see my ex ( he doesn't speak to me or even says hello when we accidentally see each other in the street) he gives me a desperate look which used to be a massive trigger but now I do not feel concerned anymore, it is HIS problem!
HUGE step! MIRACLE even!

I have gained SO MUCH from this experience!
I am stronger, because I experienced my limits and accepted my weakness, I am less angry, it is nobody else's falt or responsability who I decide to be with, or what I accept to live. Now I can be intimate with Pierre and trust him, It never happened to me, being able to be fully myself and trusting I would be accepted and loved the way I am.
He has supported me, lovingly for five years now and I can't believe the new person I am becoming thanks to the nurturing of this relationship, I feel that I am born at last now, more alive, more real!
I have cut all the toxic relationships that I had in my life, all these people that were feeding on my inability to say no, using me like an emotional tank from which to feed ad nauseum! I live with someone who doesn't need me but chose me for who I am.
We speak and communicate so profoundly.
I have investigated in my life, faced my fears for the first time and I forgive and love myself for the first time!!
I gave up the hope that the past could be any different and can even thank my ex who has helped me, he was a good teacher! Now I Know Real Loving takes real courage! I want you all to know that this is possible! Have no fear, trust life and its infinite strength! I want to tell you also that you are all in my thoughts, every morning I dedicate my new strength and humility to you, I walk you in my thoughts through Paris and its Lovely springtime ( well it's kind of rainy and cold at the moment but nevermind...) Je vous embrasse toutes et vous souhaite le meilleur du fond du coeur. love and love and love fromPetit Pois.