Rough timePosted on 03/27/11, 06:23 pm
I just wanted to post my frustration and disbelief. This has been one of the worst weeks I have had for a long time. I have been toxed by my pain meds having scary cardiac/resp symptoms, many painful falls on my back, and even got a bit paranoid/psychotic last Sat cos of the toxification of the meds on my system, which thankfully passed quite quickly. My aunt ignored one of these potential attacks of cardiac/resp symptoms on Monday, which was a very serious one cos she was pissed off that my mom didn't take her out the previous day - potentially that could have killed me - same day as MRI. I have also paid for a MRI which showed nothing and I have had severe back pain and sciatica for months now and have been off work for several weeks after a failed return in Feb. Then the stress of supporting my mom with a bathroom refit which basically meant micromanaging it and dealing with imperfect work when I felt she deserved the best.
Basically my supposed boyfriend still just texts. I wanted support and care on Friday after a really bad fall and the crushing disappointment of my MRI results. He basically didn't reply til really late in the evening by text and compared what I was going through to having a shitty day at work, and had his kids with him and implied I was burdening him. I got nothing Saturday then a text early today asking how I was. I had a go at him by text and also said I didn't want to have sex with him until I know I am not under the influence of drugs and also because in my last relationship, I was abused and raped and dissociate when having sex. He then had a go at me and said he would have to think seriously about continuing the relationship with all I'd said as I thought he was shallow enough and one track minded to just think of sex. But as I pointed out, he has said light-hearted, fun, enjoyable, sex which doesn't in my head relate to my true desires for a meaningful relationship which could be really special and from which I could have a long term partnership and children.
Now he is being all cool and blaming me for shoving him away. I have said he is still emotionally enmeshed with his ex wife, doesn't know what he wants and until the day he calls and doesn't text is the day I know he has made some sort of a decision about what he wants. At the mo, he has agreed to be amicable, text everyday (big deal) and meet with me when the bad side effects of strong pain meds have died down to talk.
I have probably tried my best to engineer a break up and feel highly ambivalent towards him after all the crap he gave me in 2008, projecting his bitterness about his ex-wife on to me, blaming me when things went wrong in bed and using me as a shoulder to cry on when I was falling apart myself after just getting out of that before mentioned abusive relationship. But then why did I tell him that I care for him and have feelings for him and he said nothing back and I told him I didn't expect him to - all by text.
Reactions, advice? Part of me wants him gone, part of me doesn't in case I'm wrong and he really can give me what I want. Transference from past battles with dad and brother being emotionally unavailable definitely. I do think he is showing narcissitic signs but I do think it's a spectrum thing in terms of abusive ex defo PD, this one has narcissistic traits, but I am far from convinced he is good enough for me as things stand.
Please hope that I am strong enough to follow the serenity prayer and do the right thing. I hope all of you are ok and coping.
Reply #1 03/28/11 5:10am
Hugs to you dear. It seems that you're not getting what you need from this relationship. It seems you have been with him long enough to have a good knowledge of how he is. Its really your decision, you know what is best for you, good luck.
Reply #2 03/28/11 5:39am
Starry...hugs to you for the rotten time you are having....
But just wanted to comment on the MRI...I, too, had terrible sciatica for about 10 years, following the birth of my sons (relied on painkillers to get by) and sought help everywhere. Had two MRIs through the years which showed NOTHING. Then I got the "it's psychosomatic, it's just stress, treatment"....no one believed me.
At a physical therapist's clinic one time, I said,"I can SEE I am crooked....maybe that's why I have pain". Her answer...."Oh everyone has one leg shorter than the other"....
Eventually someone recommended an Osteopath. The first thing she said was "But you are all crooked!" HALLELUJA! My pelvic girdle was not only higher one side than the other, it was also twisted! She said it would take some time to correct. It took 6 months, but only 4 sessions (she started the healing process, my body did the rest!). Then, when I looked in the mirror, I had a perfectly symmetrical waistline....so pelvic girdle was balanced. Fixed...and no sciatica after that.
Maybe something to consider?.....though in this country (Sweden) they are expensive...are they dear where you live?
Don't give up! Don't let ANYONE tell you there is nothing wrong with you, you are just imagining it......prolonged pain is sooo exhausting....and it sounds if that man of yours isn't helping? Also a form of "prolonged pain?!"
Take care of YOU, Starry...it's time to do that now.
Reply #3 03/28/11 7:20am
Thank you, Going Up and Lassie for the morale boost re: sorting the relationship mess out and focusing on me.
Secondly, Lassie, I appreciate so much what you said about MRIs showing nothing yet having persistent severe back pain and sciatica. I have worked in mental health for a long time so I know if medics can't explain or diagnose something, they will look to the psychological, psychosomatic explanation. You have perfectly articulated my precise fear of how I will be treated by the medics with this MRI result at both primary and secondary care level. I have received so far the most help from an osteopath privately, who one gave me a course of treatment and then when my back relapsed after a brief attempt at returning to work, he referred me for a private MRI at my local NHS hospital which was cheaper than going to a private facility. I have faith that he will try to do something to help me and give me the best advice as he seems to know the specialities very well locally. I don't have much faith in what the spinal physios will do with the MRI result or that they will offer me a nerve block, though my GP seemed to think they could help me in that way. Even he admitted that he is new to the area and can only offer an educated guess at what secondary care will do. But at least I have found a GP who is finally listening to me and adjusting the meds to try to suit me and treat the pain. But until they have got the pain down to a bearable level, I can't drive or work due to the drugs I am on, and also because my work and driving cause my nerve and back pain to get worse and "break down". I live in the UK.
I am also trying alternative therapy and a humanistic counsellor to deal with deep-seated issues related to the women who love too much scenario. She is also interested in body psychotherapy and how my pain is at the energy levels of the sacral and root chakras, which are to do with sex, men, security, and your roots to the earth. I do believe the mind-body-spirit is all one interconnected system and though I never saw her with the intention of it helping with my physical and nerve pain, if it does, I will be beyond thrilled. Obviously I want my emotional issues to be dealt with and resolved, but it will take time, persistence and hard work......
LIke you say, Lassie, I think not giving up and persistence are very important..... and not being fobbed off that there is nothing wrong with me. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and I am glad you are better.
Reply #4 03/28/11 7:33am
I have had back problems most of my life. The most relief I get is from my Chiropractor! His "bed-side manner" is tops, also! lol
Reply #5 03/28/11 9:37am
My osteopath has said that he won't do any further physical manipulation until I'm seen by spinal physios and he has reviewed MRI results. I am also not sure of the difference between chiropractors and osteopaths..... despite having researched it extensively via the net. Does anyone know? My mom had a similar back problem to me and was helped by a chiropractor. In my social group, I have met some people who are all for osteopaths and others who urge me to see a chiropractor. From what I can tell, they do similar things in terms of physical manipulation and working diagnosis and I think the osteopath I have seen is top class.
Also, as an aside, I am so excited we are all discussing ourselves rather than men. How liberating! How wonderful! Right now, i don't even care what happens with this man who has been in my life on/off since end of 2007. WOOHOO!
Reply #6 03/29/11 1:09am
How a Narccist reacts to a crisis in your life …
by Kathy Krajco
Into virtually every life comes disaster. Bankruptcy, serious illness, divorce, getting laid-off or fired, failure of any sort -- you name it, whether through your own fault or not.
How will a narcissist in your life react to the situation?
Add it up: You mean nothing to him or her. You are just an object to exploit for their aggrandizement. They have no human feelings for you (despite the occasional put-on) whatsoever. And now you are more vulnerable than ever.
Now you are down, so expect a kick. Expect the abuse to escalate. Expect them to behave so cruelly and brutally that nobody who doesn't see it would believe it.
From what I've observed and heard, I dare say that this is the mistake everyone abused by someone in their immediate family makes: they expect the narcissist to react to a crisis the way a normal human being would. Your plight would tug on a normal person's heartstrings, even if you were an adversary. So, he or she would let up on you under those circumstances. Yes, even adversaries will let up on you, because they see you are no threat to them under the circumstances.
But a narcissist reacts the opposite way a normal human person does.
In this, narcissists are only following the same perverse pattern they always do: instead of being appeased by efforts to appease them, they react with a rage; instead of being drawn to what evokes sympathy, they abominate it and react with contempt; instead of being grateful for favors you've done them, they react with hatred (for this proof that they are not God Almighty in your helping them). In short, they react backwards to everything. So, why should we be surprised when a narcissist exploits some catastrophe in our lives to malign and abuse us with shocking inhumanity?
The victims of narcissists get blind-sided by this because narcissists are from the planet Pluto. They are NOT acting on normal human premises. So, it's not about your plight: it's all about THEIR ego. So, they see this as NOTHING BUT an opportunity to vaunt themselves on you, period. In other words, they aren't acting on normal human premises; they are acting on narcissistic premises. Those are the premises of PREDATORS. They react to vulnerability the way any predator does = by salivating.
If possible, they will make a big show to the rest of the world of being your savior, while behind closed doors they are beating the you-know-what out of you and trying to drive you to suicide -- just because they know you're trapped in the situation.
As I've often said before, I'm convinced that the only reign on their conduct is what they think they can get away with. And that changes from day to day.
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.