I m having the same issues trying to stay away from bad guys.I have being dating good guys but I just don t like them and I have no feeling for them.They are not abusive so I guess the relationship interesting to me.

I'm not interested in bad guys anymore. I'm just not interested in ANYONE anymore.

Its very hard to get to a healthy relationship, in the book WHL2M we are only half way there once we find out how to protect ourselves and stay away from the abuse and emotionaly unavailbe men. Once we know this we them have to start learning how to be with good kind stable men, so it took me 2 years to recover from what not to go for but i guess it will take longer time to learn how it is to be with possitive peole that are interested in us and give us attention. Keep going,keep learning and there is nothing wrong with you. Take care and keep posted it all takes time and iam on that roade as well. God Bless :)

I have experienced the same thing AgentSmith. I always find something wrong in a guy and a reason to stop dating. But I haven't given up yet, neither should you.

ive gotten to that stage. went through the not being interested in anyone, to forcing myself pretty much to at least date, then getting involved, getting strung along, recognized the signs and stopped it, then ended up with my most recent ex, when i met him i was heavy into gambling and being depressed. i was an asshole to him. now i see he deserved it. he just kept coming back for more, i thought he loved me. but i was worried that i was becoming the narc for a while. i turned myself around, and started being the loving type again. oops. as soon as that started he was done with me. so he was just as sick as i was. then i stopped feeling again, and havent felt right since. but im in a healthy working relationship, with minimal emotions. hmmmm... i dont know how i feel these days. i think this is a lifetime struggle for us. but as long as we keep fighting, there is light at the end of the tunnel

It's refreshing to hear that you ladies are no longer attracted to the type of men you used to be. I understand that it has been frustrating for you, but it makes makes me feel hopeful. I have feared & avoided dating because I so easily got attached to the wrong guys.

Keep in mind that there are lots of "bad guys" who could fit your old pattern, but when you are looking for a partner who best fits YOU for a healthy relationship, that narrows it down a whole lot.

I feel like you have destroyed the old pattern & now you must define what you desire in a partner & a relationship. I went through the characteristics in WWL2M & defined new healthy ones to take their place. I'm no expert, but I know writing things down is powerful, not just for changing our thinking, but also like a prayer asking for our desires in "full colour".

Wishing you joy & wisdom dating healthy men as you walk your path to your special someone...

LOL, i know, that if i feel attractions at all, it tends out to still be narcs. i like, have a checklist. like an application they have to fill out before i will date them. there was a guy at work, that is ENTIRELY hot, and i was major attracted to, well, im already in a relationship, so i just sat back and watched him for a while,
turns out he lives with his mom, drives a poopy car, and spends most his time playing poker. he used to be a cop, but got kicked out the force for too many speeding tickets. has problems with an ex.
now i can understand hard times, but when you are over 30, then you should be getting them settled, and it seems he has been going like this for a while, and now he is dating another co worker, and i see how he treats her, its not bad, all in all he is not a bad guy, but she will be looking all googly eyed at him, and he just kinda walks around and flirts with others, leaves without saying goodbye. so who knows? he is just a flirt, but i know she gets frustrated with his living situation.
needless to say, im still attracted to the fixer upper type. but at least now i can catch myself, if ever in the future i go back to dating. my relationship now is safe at least. which is why i stay, he doesnt light me on fire, but he is stable. i dont think i could handle the emotions of dating again.

I can totally relate to what you're saying, Dracona, about the coworker. Yesterday I found out that this guy I've been talking to still lives at home with his dad...at 46 yrs old!! He's NEVER been on his own! He has a degree, graduated from college in 1989, and has been living w/ his dad ever since. But what's really, REALLY bothering me is that this is the SIXTH guy I've met who still lives at home. It's insane. Every guy I end up talking to, no matter how I meet them, either lives at home, is an addict (at least the last one is in recovery), doesn't have a drivers license, etc. Total losers. I just don't understand. It's not like I'm meeting a mixture of losers and healthy guys and veering towards the losers, losers are literally ALL I'm meeting. I'm getting so frustrated. Most of them don't even make it to date 1 bc I can eliminate them based on something they say to me before we even get to the first date. The ones that do make it to a date rarely make it to a second. There's only one guy I've met in the past yr who has it together. Doesn't have the greatest job but it's steady and he's worked there for yrs, owns a house, 2 cars and a motorcycle, no addictions, doesn't drink at all, we listen to the same type of music, get along, and hang out occasionally, but we never have good conversation. It's just not there. I've known him for 9 months now and it's never gotten better. Everything is just surface level. Talking about work or concerts. Never any deeper conversations. I find myself bored to death. I want to be able to have good philosophical conversations. Something deeper than just work or weather.

When they said nice guys are boring they weren't lying in the least. The only reason I'm with who I'm with now.. is because I told myself that he deserved a try... even if I didn't have the feelings for him. That maybe I could develop them cause I didn't think I had those feelings for anyone. I still long for exiting conversations and that fire feeling and sparks and butterflies. But then when I look around me I try and be thankful for where I am now. And that he will love me and be home. He os a constant in my life of ups and downs. And for that I am thankful. I don't think I have the capacity to deal with my emotions if I were dating again. I work in a casino. Most people I meet are drama addicts or liars.

I can't settle for a relationship without stimulating conversation . . I don't care how safe it feels. To me, if the conversation is never stimulating, it seems to expose maybe a desire to be 'comfortable' versus a desire to 'grow'. What do you think?

I'm with you db, I have to have stimulating conversation. Having a high IQ is important to me. It is proven that we are only socially compatible with those who have an IQ within 30 pts of our own. I have a high IQ and I want to have stimulating conversation with someone similar. The guy I mentioned above responds with "oh jeez" to every single thing I say. There is no conversation. Just me talking and him going "oh jeez". Or him complaining about how much he hates his job. And going on and on at length about it. It's all I ever hear him talk about. I need to be able to talk to a partner the way I'd be able to talk with a good friend.

Oh, good grief! I know what you're talking about. Seems like all my x could talk about was how he was being slighted at work or talking down about our friends or bitching about our kids!

I think you can have it all. I have had in the past. A good guy, treated me like a queen, was very successful, and highly intelligent. We were engaged and lived together for 8 years and did not work out in a forever way, but I believe that when we are emotionally healthy, we will attract and be attracted to a good guy.

Spot on Suzy,

I think what is vital to remember ladies is we still need to heal...the need for that "excitement...nice guys are boring stuff" that's because we have nothing to chase after with the nice guy, the one who's available and there. Isn't that what we want though, for the guy to be there, to be a constant, dependable, reliable, loves us, cares for us, faithful, loyal? I mean the fact that we want it with someone who will never give it to us or can't indicates something about us.... not them. We need to be stable internally before we will feel any attraction to a healthy guy... that's a long time away for me. I am not dating anyone for at least a year, if not longer. I have a lot of hard work to do in therapy, and it's been painful, this week alone I've cried more than not. But it's part of the healing.

when I ran into him this week it started another painful dive of emotions...The more I read the more I realize how sick this guy is... but internally, I remember how into him I was, his size, his body, his lips, his eyes, his hands, the way he would touch me, the way he made love to me, the way he took care of me, he was there for me many times, he spent a lot of time with me, he didn't do what most of these guys do...string you along while he dates others, mine wasn't like that...so many good things...so much of the narc attributes applied to him, except the affection/sex thing... he was very loving and affectionate, except during times of punishment you know! So I think there is definitely some crossover disorder there or combo pack as Sandra Brown calls them...

I believe the combo pack part of him has good in there, the little boy wanting to be loved, but the pathological in him fights all of that crap...he'll die alone, so sad to see a man so damaged like that. I can only imagine the horrendous childhood, I know specifics but when he told me about them, I think his disorder stared before his Dad died... he witnessed way too much violence and abuse at an early age... it traumatized the kid, when he talked about it, any time he talked about it, he would seriously cry... I mean when those commercials came on of the kid sitting on the steps while the parents are screaming at each other, he would cry... even the animal abuse commericals... he would cry... I feel for his pain... but that doesn't give him the right to destroy me for it. I am far to empathic, I need to learn harm avoidance without being hard.