Discussion Topic

why its so hard to let go-PLEASE READ !!!!!

Posted on 09/10/12, 02:26 pm
i found this explanation on a blog called psychopathy awareness and felt i had finally been given the answer to what was causing me such pain in my heart that i felt i was going to die. ive read so much on this subject ( sociopaths ) but nothing quite hit home or really explained why it has been so hard to let go of my " true love ". i wanted to share this because i feel this really does make sense in about what truly happens to us usually after the D & D and if it makes sense or anyone can relate to it like i have then it was worth posting. this blog is really good and has so much truth and answers questions in a way that i could relate to so much. someone here posted about the info on this site being so good, i thank u for that it has helped me to understand what happened to me , i hope it helps you all to in some way. education is the best cure for loving a sociopath !!!!!!!!!!!!

"Almost everyone involved with a psychopath goes through a phase (and form) of denial. It’s very tough to accept the sad reality that the person who claimed to be your best friend or the love of your life is actually a backstabbing snake whose sole purpose in life is humiliating and dominating those around him. Rather than confront this reality, some victims go into denial entirely. They aren’t ready to accept any part of the truth, which, when suppressed, often surfaces in anxiety, projection and nightmares.
At some point, however, the evidence of a highly disturbed personality shows through, especially once the psychopath is no longer invested in a given victim and thus no longer makes a significant effort to keep his mask on. Then total denial is no longer possible. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst open and a whole slew of inconsistencies, downright lies, manipulations, criticism and emotional abuse flows through to the surface of our consciousness.
However, even then it’s difficult to absorb such painful information all at once. Our heart still yearns for what we have been persuaded, during the luring phase, was our one true love. Our minds are still filled with memories of the so-called good times with the psychopath. Yet, the truth about the infidelities, the constant deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing can no longer be denied. We can’t undo everything we learned about the psychopath; we cannot return to the point of original innocence, of total blindness. The result is a contradictory experience: a kind of internal battle between clinging to denial and accepting the truth.
Cognitive dissonance is a painful incredulity marked by this inner contradiction in the victim’s attitude towards the victimizer. In 1984, perhaps the best novel about brainwashing that occurs in totalitarian regimes, George Orwell coined his own term for this inner contradiction: he called it doublethink. Doublethink is not logical, but it is a common defense mechanism for coping with deception, domination and abuse. Victims engage in doublethink, or cognitive dissonance, in a partly subconscious attempt to reconcile the contradictory claims and behavior of the disordered individuals who have taken over their lives.
The denial itself can take several forms. It can manifest itself as the continuing idealization of the psychopath during the luring phase of the relationship or it can be shifting the blame for what went wrong in the relationship from him, the culprit, to ourselves, or to other victims. In fact, the easiest solution is to blame neither oneself nor the psychopath, but other victims. How often have you encountered the phenomenon where people who have partners who cheat on them lash out at the other women (or men) instead of holding their partners accountable for their actions? It’s far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship.
Other victims project the blame back unto themselves. They accept the psychopath’s projection of blame and begin questioning themselves: what did I do wrong, to drive him away? What was lacking in me that he was so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Was I not smart enough, virtuous enough, hard-working enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, attentive enough, submissive enough etc.
When one experiences cognitive dissonance, the rational knowledge about psychopathy doesn’t fully sink in on an emotional level. Consequently, the victim moves constantly back and forth between the idealized fantasy and the pathetic reality of the psychopath. This is a very confusing process and an emotionally draining one as well. Initially, when you’re the one being idealized by him, the fantasy is that a psychopath can love you and that he is committed to you and respects you. Then, once you’ve been devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy remains that he is capable of loving others, just not you. That you in particular weren’t right for him, but others can be. This is the fantasy that the psychopath tries to convince every victim once they enter the devalue phase. Psychopaths truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they’re no longer excited by a person, they conclude it must be her (or his) fault; that she (or he) is deficient.
Because you put up with emotional abuse from the psychopath you were with and recently been through the devaluation phase–in fact, for you it was long and drawn-out–you have absorbed this particular fantasy despite everything you know about psychopaths’ incapacity to love or even care about others. But with time and no contact, the rational knowledge and the emotional will merge, and this last bit of illusion about the psychopath will be dissolved.
Cognitive dissonance is part and parcel of being the victim of a personality disordered individual. It doesn’t occur in healthy relationships for several reasons:
1) healthy individuals may have good and bad parts of their personalities, but they don’t have a Jekyll and Hyde personality; a mask of sanity that hides an essentially malicious and destructive self. In a healthy relationship, there’s a certain transparency: basically, what you see is what you get. People are what they seem to be, flaws and all.
2) healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional abuse, domination and a mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation
3) healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships
4) conversely, however, once healthy relationships end, both parties accept that and move on. There is no stalking and cyberstalking, which are the signs of a disordered person’s inability to detach from a dominance bond: a pathetic attempt at reassertion of power and control over a relationship that’s over for good
Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there’s an unbridgeable contradiction between a dire reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which, once fully revealed, would be so painful to accept, that you’d rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.
Relatedly, cognitive dissonance is also a sign that the psychopath still has a form of power over you: that his distorted standards still have a place in your brain. That even though you may reject him on some level, on another his opinions still matter to you. Needless to say, they shouldn’t. He is a fraud; his opinions are distorted; his ties to others, even those he claims to “love,” just empty dominance bonds. Rationally, you already know that his opinions and those of his followers should have no place in your own mental landscape.
But if emotionally you still care about what he thinks or feels, then you are giving a disordered person too much power over you: another form of cognitive dissonance, perhaps the most dangerous. Cut those imaginary ties and cut the power chords that still tie you to a pathological person, his disordered supporters and their abnormal frame of reference. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a psychopath and his pathological defenders any place in your heart or mind. The schism between their disordered perspective and your healthy one creates the inner tension that is also called cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this inner tension means to free yourself– body, heart and mind–from the psychopath, his followers and their opinions or standards. What they do, say, think or believe –and the silly mind games they choose to play–simply does not matter.
For a fictionalized representation of psychopathic seduction, check out my new novel, The Seducer, previewed on the links below:
Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness
http://www.amazon.com/Seducer-Novel... "

Showing 1 - 10 of 21 Replies
  • Reply #1 09/10/12  4:27pm
    Thanks for this gift Bellanomore. It is very appreciated.
  • Reply #2 09/10/12  6:09pm
    Thanks Bellamore.
  • Reply #3 09/10/12  6:09pm
    Thanks Bellamore.
  • Reply #4 09/10/12  10:07pm
    This is an excellent post. Thank you for sharing :)
  • Reply #5 09/11/12  1:42pm
    This is fantastic...a perfect description of what I, and I'm sure everyone here, have been dealing with. I have already written down the titles of some of this authors books to check into, especially "Dangerous Liaisons". Thanks for sharing this! <3
  • Reply #6 12/09/13  2:07pm
    One of the best things I have read.....this article hits the nail on the head of what I am going through and what I am dealing with....thank you for this post......
  • Reply #7 12/09/13  3:11pm
    This article explains a lot, and it is exactly what i amgoing through. It is so much at once that comes crushing down on you. The anxiety, the nightmares, projection. Absolutely true, the mind games, the crticle could be written about my husband!
    And YES i am yearning for the time when we met, how he was and how it felt. Little did i know he was a spider, spinning his sick web around me. Yet i am still, deep inside me in kind of, idk denial i woudl say. I cant underspand, that people lik this exist, and one of them is sleeping next to me.
    How do i just get over this? HOW DO I STOP SEEING A HUMAN BEING, with feelings and emotions and conscience..???
  • Reply #8 12/09/13  3:34pm
    I have recently let go of a man just like this....I could not believe I found this article...My story is a little different albeit pretty much the same as everyone else in this group...I have been involved with a man for the past year, only to have found out recently he is married...has a family, and about 6 other women on the side....He has created 4 children in the year I have known him, 3 of which were with other women than his wife....when I found out he was married, I confronted him, and his response to me was he is moving out of the country....I figured at that time, that him leaving the country was a very clean end to this nightmare, only to be contacted by him a week later to be told he was planning on seeing me "sooner than I realize." That is when I lost it, and went off on him....

    Not only was he lying to me about his marital status, but he never left the country either. The entire situation was a lie from beginning to end...when I ended it with him, I told him you entered my life on a lie and you have left it on a lie...Now I am left with the anger and the hurt of the basic betrayal and the self recrimination of being taken in by a person of such despicable character, I spend endless days, going over and over in my mind all of the conversations we had, realizing now the lies that were told....I ended it with this man, very angrily I must admit. I told him off in a pretty good way, telling him is the most disgusting person I have ever met. There is no purpose for telling someone that is this morally bankrupt anything of that sort, as we are all aware, nothing is of any value to a person like this.

    I will continue to move forward, and allow myself the freedom to go through the motions, there will be many....and be very thankful I am not his wife....luckily I don't have as much invested in him as a wife obviously does. My heart goes out to her, and his children and every other woman that falls prey to his deceit.

    In any case, this article helped tremendously to put into words all of the emotions I am going through...and to remember this person just doesn't care....not because of me, but because of them.....

    That is the best thing I have found to help me through.....this person is not normal in any way shape or form, and to attempt to deal with a person like that in a normal sense, only prolongs the pain.

  • Reply #9 12/09/13  8:58pm
    freeatlast50, your story is more common than you realize, mine wasnt exactly the same but in the long run the endings are a lot the same with the left over feelings you get from someone who is morally bankrupt. i dont know how someone can do such a thing, i think its beyond our range of understanding. you are so lucky to not be married to him, many here have been . he deserves none of your sympathy thats for sure. i know that doesnt make things better or easier for you the pain is still the same but be glad your not his wife. when i found this article it was the closest thing to explaining how i felt im glad it has helped you to. remember you deserve so much more in life. hang in there. hugs
  • Reply #10 12/09/13  11:13pm
    Yes, very good article. It is so hard to let go. And as enthralled as I am with him, and a part of me wants him to leave his main woman and move in with me, I also know that I would then become her. And after this last episode with him, it occurred to me, he does this to her, too, I bet. I saw them together at a basketball game recently, and she looked so awful....like she just doesn't care how she looks. I bet he also periodically makes her feel like the scum of the earth. I'm sure he doesn't just do this with me. Then I started thinking of how awful it would be to go through this living with him. I mean, at least I am in the safety of my own home, with my doggie. I can choose to not answer his calls. I can go to bed in peace without him here acting all crazy and angry and ugly when he is going through one of this weird things. Do I really want to give that up?


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Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.