Discussion Topic

Character assassination vs. devalue

Posted on 09/09/11, 02:02 pm
Hi everyone,

I was just wondering...is there a difference between character assassination and devaluing? Are they one and the same thing? Is there a difference?

With character assassination, the S spreads lies, evil gossip about who you are. They tear your character to shreds, trash you.... When I think of devaluing someone--I think of the same exact thing, also that it's the opposite of idealizing you. Instead of "wow, I adore you so much, because you're so wonderful," now it's "I can't stand to be around you, you're pathetic."

I'm thinking they are the same thing, but maybe there is a difference?
Showing 11 - 16 of 16 Replies
  • Reply #11 03/18/12  12:13pm
    Hi again KittyMama, we sure seem to relate on so many levels and I've really appreciated all of your responses to my posts. It's an awful feeling to know that they were performing character assassinations of us behind our backs, while rarely voicing their complaints to our faces. When I reflect back on his tendencies, my ex-P/S was most definitely covertly passive-aggressive and was probably acting out with the mindset of "well, I'll show her" whose in control, all the while revelling in my complete oblivousness. Despite all the psychopathic rationale that can be applied in analyzing their behaviours, I still can't help but view mine as the ultimate coward I've ever come to know. At first, I thought it was about him having no "cahonies", courage or a backbone to take a stance and/or express his relationship dissatisfaction in a timely and constructive way when it would have mattered. But now I know that this would have ONLY applied to NON-pathological people now as they only know how to navigate through relationships in dysfunctional ways and take great delight in blind-siding us during the devalue/discard period. I can also liken my experience to being with a "stunted" individual, who has gone through life trapped in the body/ mind of a teenage boy with delayed/impaired cognitive function, devoid of a soul. I can also relate to the way your day-to-day functioning can become signifcantly impacted/impaired. And look at us, we're still standing! We're stronger and tougher than we give ourselves credit for! And btw, I'm tired of family, friends and colleagues telling me I should be over it already...they obviously have never known the agony of being in the depths of despair of the wake of a socio-/psychopath.
  • Reply #12 03/18/12  12:31pm
    Coffeecupgirl, I was thinking that myself, since their absolute biggest fear is their mask being cracked and being exposed. And since he knew that I was on to him and stopped mirroring back the positive/idealized "good guy" image I used to have of him, that's when the devaluing process began. Even right up to the discard, I now can clearly recall how he was eagerly/patiently awaiting that I might revert back to my old view/mindset of him, but when I told him that he disgusted me for leading a double life and then exposed him to the other woman, he knew he had to get rid of me before I risked to inflict anymore damage or cast anymore doubts with the other woman. I guess it all makes sense now, but at the time it seemed like such an abrupt ending/severing for us. To go from talking 5/6 times a day, texting and emailing whenever and being close neighbours and seeing each other for 3 years...and to go to the lengths of permanently disconnecting both phone numbers and blocking all his email addresses seemed extreme at the time. This only fueled my own self-doubt about what I did to deserve to be treated so harshly by him as well as to know that I was being treated like a crazed stalker ex-gf by him and there was nothing I could do to sway his or the OW's perceptions of me.
  • Reply #13 03/18/12  12:43pm
    LillScorpio, I can relate to how they make us the issue for sure and how it's in their own best interest to cover their trails and any evidence that may indite them. It's interesting that after my ex-P/S exposed himself to me, he actually projected his fears onto me by saying that "you're not thinking of performing an intervention by telling her what I did and becoming a stalker...what she doesn't know won't hurt her". Like he thought he was entitled to "a get out of jail for free" card and that he expected me to collude with him in the cover-up to ensure that he could "move on with his life" (as he put it), with no guilt, remorse or conscience about it all. As far as he was concerned, we were done and there was nothing left to do/say...next.
  • Reply #14 03/25/12  5:11am
    My former psycho was character assisinating me behind my back while i was acting as a character reference for him to get a job. How ironic is that? If im completely honest he had started covertly devaluing me long before this happened. Had i known what he was doing he'd probably still be stuck in the job he hated so much but that is just how a psycho's repays good deeds. Not long after i left him he made a special visit to me ex boss and former co-workers to tell them things i had said in confidence to him. His reasons for doing what he did are oh so clear to me now but at the time it felt like a rusty knife had cut through me.

    Dharma your story reminds me of two girls the psycho claims were friends of his that he had arrested for robbing his house. When he told me the story i knew something didn't sound right, but he went to great lengths to keep these girls out of his life. He changed his phone number and made sure it wasn't listed, then had surveillance camera's put in and dead bolts on all the doors and did a special ritual everytime we left the house to make sure everything was secure. Including all the gates to fences around his yard. Now im a security conscious person but there was just something not normal about the way he went about this.
    Not long before i left the relationship i thought he must of done something pretty bad to these girls and thats why they robbed him. Now when i look back i reckon he saw them robbing his house as an attack & that must of felt like a huge violation to him because he is so used to being the one who attacks and is in control. This he had no control over and thats why i think he became really paranoid. It must really suck to get a taste of their own medicine. When your ex p/s broke all forms of communication from you its probably because you exposed him and took the control away from him for a time. He would of seen that as an attack and of course they dont precieve they should be treated that way. They dont take a dose of their own medicine very well at all. I think the thought of it happening again makes them paranoid so they go to all means to prevent it. But this is just from my own observations.
  • Reply #15 03/25/12  3:15pm
    Madethisway -- "Use and abuse" is really the credo they live by...the irony of how you were acting as his character reference, while he was assassinating your character behind your back is really way too uncanny. They are so proficient in their craft that they could probably write a book on how to use rusty knives to stab people in the back and heart. Truly sorry to hear how he screwed you over at work. Yes, helping our pathologicals get ahead in the world is probably unadvisable, but how were we to know?!! I ended up helping mine with his work performance review, upgrading his résumé and proof-reading tonnes of correspondence and in turn got a promotion and a raise as well!

    Yes, these types of men seem overly paranoid and think they're way too important...changing locks and getting security and such, when it's really us who need protection from them! You're right about his knee-jerk reaction to having the control taken away from him and facing his greatest fear of being exposed/caught red-handed. That is why they have to destroy all the evidence/any trace of their past victims, so the new supply doesn't sniff out the scent of his trail. As soon as my ex-P/S knew I was onto him, I remember noticing a distinct shift in him and how the devaluation process started to kick in...

    You're so right about getting a dose of their own medicine...it's as if he looked at me and at her and thought how dare you turn on me, expose me to her and ruin the good thing I got going with her right now...wait a minute, you're getting in the way of me riding off into the sunset. He looked at me as if I was betraying his confidence!! And I'll never forget his look at the moment of being busted right in front of her, he had this eery calmness about him which kind of reminded me of when we performed an intervention on my cousin for her oxycontin addiction... the way they both remained so calm and collect with the evidence right before them and still denied everything flat out, unbelievable!

    So I guess that's why I had to be severed at all costs, because the risk of further exposure is far too great should I remain in the picture and then way he disguises that is by making me out to be an unstable, crazed, ex-stalker gf and that he needs to protect himself from me! I have to admit that it does bother me that he/she/his family and colleagues think of me in this light, but I guess it's just how it has to be.

  • Reply #16 03/25/12  10:12pm
    Dharma - Evil Weaponry is what it is .Character assisination is the psycho's last gift that just keeps on giving.

    It just really stinks. Atleast you got to give him the gift of paranoia before he tucked tail and pulled a houdini (dis-appeared).

    Thanks everyone for letting me share some of my story and thank you all for sharing yours. It's validating and comforting to know others understand.

    Much respect to you all (( Hugs))


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