PART II ARTICLE ON SUGGESTIONS TO AID MARRIAGE AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD.
1. Don't expect spouse to be a tower of strength when he/she is also experiencing grief.
2. Be sensitive to your spouse's personality style. In general, he/she will approach grief with the same personality habits as they approach life. It may be bery private, very open and sharing or someplace in between.
3. Find a "sympathetic ear" (not necessarily your mate's) -- someone who cares and will listen.
4. Do talk about your child with your spouse. If necessary, set up a time period daily when you both know that it is time to talk about your child.
5. Seek the help of a counselor if depression, grief or problems in your marriage are getting out of hand.
6. Do not overlook or ignore anger causing situations. It is like adding fuel to the fire, eventually there is an expolosion. Deal with things as they occur.
7. Remember you loved your spouse enough to marry. Try to keep your marriage alive, go out for dinner, an ice cream, take a walk, anything together.
8. Be gentle with yourself and your mate.
9. Join a support group for bereaved parents. Attend as a couple, come by yourself, or with a friend. It is a good place to learn about grief and to feel understood. Do not pressure your spouse to attend with you if it is not his/her preference.
10. Join a mutually agreeable community betterment project.
11. Do not blame yourself or mate for what you were powerless to prevent. If you blame your spouse or personally feel responsible for your childs death, seek immediate counseling help for yourself and your marriage.
12. realize that you are not alone. THere are many bereaved parents. In 2 1/2 years the POMC mailing list has grown from 50 parents to 700.
13. Choose to believe again in the goodness of your higher power and of life. Search for joy and laughter.
14. Recognize your extreme sensitivity and vulnerability and be alert to the tendency to take things personally.
15. Read about grief, especially the books written for bereaved parents.
16. Take your time with decisions about your childs things, change of residence, etc.
17. Be aware of unrealistic expectations for yourself or your mate.
18. Remember there is not timetable. Everyone goes through grief differently, even parents of the same child.
19. Try to remember that your spouse is doing the best that he/she can.
20. Marital friction is normal in any marriage. Don't blow it out of proportion.
21. Try not to let little everyday irritants become major issues. Talk about them and try to be patient.
22. Be sensitive to the needs and wishes of your spouse as well as yourself. Sometimes it is important to compromise.
23. It is very important to keep the lines of communication open.
24. Work on your grief instead of wishing that your spouse would handle hes/her grief differently. You will find that you will have enough just handling your own grief. Remember when you help yourself cope with grief, it indirectly helps your spouse.
25. As Harriet Schiff states; "Value your marriage, You have lost enough."
26. Hold on to HOPE, with time, work and support you will survive. It will never be the same, but you can learn again to appreciate life and the people in your life.
HOPE FOR BEREAVED PARENTS
FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION
1342 LANCASTER AVENUE
SYRACUSE, NY 13210
