was brought up with the weekend alcoholics. at 17 married young to an abusive husband (3 years), at 18 lost my father in a car accident. he was burn beyond reconition. My mother was in and out of it for the next 2 years. The doctors gave her meds for her nerves, sleeping pills, you name it they gave it to her. Then you can add the alcohol on top of it. Then I had a baby through all of this. My Daughter. She was grandmas pride and joy. she quit drinking no pills, I thought all was good. I ended up getting beat up by my husband and he knocked the baby out of my arms. I left him and ended up divorcing him. I got really close to my mother after I left my husband. She was my best friend. It was the first time ever that me and my mom was really close. I was having problems with my husband during the divorce and he ended up grabbing the baby and running away with her one day. I went through hell trying to get my daughter back. I was staying with my mother and her boyfriend. We finally got the baby back, her father got tire of having to deal with a baby and gave her back after about three weeks. My mothers boyfriend had put a gun under the couch cushion in case he came back around. It seemed like we were getting back to normal. One day me and my mom went out shopping and she didn't seem herself. she bought some clothes and played with the baby but she was quit and distant. she came back to my apartment with me and gave the baby her bath, mom loved giving the baby her bath. Anyway after she finished she came and gave me a hug and kiss and told me she loved me and left. That was the last time I saw my mother alive. She went home and fixed herself a drink sat down on the couch pull the gun out from under the cushion and shot herself. I got a phone call that night from my brother and when I heard his voice bdfore he could say anything, I said she's gone isn't she.

Since then I have another bad marraige, he was cheating on me and within a year of leaving me he shot himself on christmas eve. We had a son that was five at the time. I went into a depression that I slept all the time. I would get up to put the kids on the bus go back to bed get up when they got home take them to the sitter, go to work,come home, go to bed and start over again. I had a couple of friends that kept up with me because sometimes I wouldn't wake up.

Now I'm into the teenage years with my children. My son and daughter are total opposites but we're inseperable. My daughter put me through hell from the age 14 to 18. At the age of 18 she hooked up with a guy with a really bad reputation. She thought if she loved him enough she could change him. He was abusive, they ran off. I didn't hear from her for months and I knew when mothers day came and went and I didn't hear from her something was really wrong.

She ended up getting in trouble with the law in 3 states and ended up in prison for 12 years.

I had always had problems with my nerves and been depressed, had a seizure from stress, anxiety attacks but when my daughter got in trouble I lost a part of me. Since my mothers death I had overdosed on numerous occassions. I keep telling myself that I must have a gaurdian angel because I don't know why I'm still alive. I have been hospitalized twice, once was voluntary. I have been on anti-depressants since my daughter was incarcerated. After I was hospitalized and I was diagnosed as Bipolar. Since then I felt like a guinea pig and have been on every anti-depressant that you can think of. Thats not counting all the meds for bipolar.

The only thing that kept me going was waiting on my daughter to get home.
She has been out a little over a year. Since then she sent a friend from prison over to meet me, telling me it was her best friend. come to find out she had lead the girl on letting her think that they would be together when she came home. Then she met a guy from the mens transitional center and told me he was her friend but it was more to it than that. Oh yea he had been in prison 3 times and the last time was for dealing drugs. She is now married to a guy she met at church and has a baby 2 months old.

Her husband has mood swings. When he is good he's really good but when he's bad he's really an asshole. I didn't like the way that he talked to my daughter in front of me sometimes and I let her know that. If she wanted to allow him to treat her like that, that was her business but he wasn't going to disrespect her in front of me nor was he going to disrespect me. Well he crossed the line with me many times and I kept my mouth shut because I knew what would happen if I said anything to him.
I told he father what was going on and he ended up getting drunk and calling her and went off on them. Now my relationship with my daughter is very strained and I only see the baby on sundays when I go to church.

This last episode with my daughter I ended up in the hospital with chest pains. They sent me home with xanax and was told to follow up with a cardiologist. At the time they said I was okay that it was stress related and panic attacks. When I went to the cardiologist he wanted me to have a heart catheterization the next morning something had showed up on my ekg.
Everything ended up okay with my heart but all of this crap with my daughter has done something to me. I feel like I have had about sixteen years of crap from my daughter. Its like a part of my heart is frozen. I know she is embarressed that her father is an alcoholic and she had told me at one time she wanted me to treat her like a friend and I told her I was her mother first. I am so hurt now I can't even put it in words. I am on meds and seeing a therapist. But I'm not doing well. When I wake up in the morning all I can think of is getting through the day so I can go home and go to sleep. I have no close friends to go to, no family and a husband that wants to ignore everything. See he has a job that allows him to do that, he's a truck driver that is only home one day a week. I am lost and empty inside and I don't like the way I have been feeling lately.

I feel like a wounded animal that could be helped but my family wants to ignore it.

I just want to get off this ride.......