billwfriend

why have a heart if it is not beating?

Posted on 11/24/10, 02:11 pm

Ok it is a funky feeling day which brought me to this...my heart for people is not beating...I have nobody I care much about outside my parent which is my mom....I fear the day when my mom is gone from this world because I will feel so alone it will hurt way way too much....she is my three to four telephone chats a day person....but there used to be others in there too who my heart beat for....but for lack of anyone in that room now it seems to have stopped....it is not a broken heart it is a dead heart I have.....it needs the paddles of life...shocks of love to bring it back to allowing me to live with a beating heart....where am I going to be shocked by love? what makes you shocked into love?

can the dead be alive again? I just wonder?

• Reply #1 11/24/10  9:47pm
  
  heretic
  I'm sorry you're feeling down, I do understand. And yes, I think even a little spark can make the heart start beating again. I hope you find someone to give you that spark very soon.
• Reply #2 11/24/10  10:08pm
  
  billwfriend
  happy turkey day to all
• Reply #3 11/27/10  11:31am
  
  billwfriend
  well if this wasn't the biggest self pity party ever it was selfishness in its finest hour
  
  sorry to have rambled over the bridge so poorly thinking
  
  hugs bill
• Reply #4 11/27/10  12:04pm
  
  heretic
  Not one thing wrong with self pity - that is a grave misconception many people have. Taking pity on others is held as a virtue, yet feeling pity for yourself is frowned upon. This makes no sense. How can you feel pity for others if you avoid feeling any for yourself? It isn't "selfishness" as you are not denying anyone else anything. Give yourself permission to feel the love, compassion and Yes pity for yourself that you deserve.
• Reply #5 11/29/10  8:18pm
  
  billwfriend
  felt alone is some ways on my retreat last weekend...and even isolated myself at times....staying in my room alone....when what I wanted to do was walk around talking but the retreat was a silent retreat...it felt easier to stay silent in my room alone....I did work some of my fourth step in AA on paper while there and had wonderful time dispite back pains at night....
  
  but why when with 82other men in AA did I feel alone? was the friend I wanted to have not talking to me because they wanted to remain silent for the retreat when later I saw them talking with someone else? why didn't that person talk to me? it jumped out that I have people I want to hold hostage as my friends....they may wish to keep quiet and let the friendship go away....I learned to understand that I cannot have people hostage....friends will enjoy me when I am interesting to them...now what?
• Reply #6 11/29/10  8:20pm
  
  billwfriend
  wow what did I find in my G-mailbox just as soon after I posted the last thing as this?
  
  
  
  The other day I was doing my "garbage" run.
  
  Once a week, I walk around and check out what people throw away.
  It amazes me how many useful things one can find. Someone
  else's garbage can be someone else’s treasure.
  
  Walking along, in someone's garbage, I saw two white hanging
  pots with dead plants in them. Looking at the pots, I realized
  they were in perfect condition so I took them home hoping to
  one day buy a plant for each one and hang in front of the house.
  
  Well, a week or so passed and I had forgotten about those pots.
  One day I looked at them, and in the middle of those dead
  leaves, were fresh green plants sprouting out.
  
  I now have two beautiful plants growing strong and proud, each
  in its own white plastic, perfect, pots.
  
  Goes to show us that even though someone might seem dead or
  forgotten and that the situation may seem hopeless, if the roots
  are good, even if they are well-hidden, that person can bloom.
  
  
  ~A MountainWings Original by Marianne Jadah, Canada~
  
  could be that some of those dead plants of people are really just lying dormant for now.....I have friends!
• Reply #7 12/12/10  8:20pm
  
  inneedosupport
  I can so relate to you billwfriend. Even my therapist dumped me!!!
• Reply #8 12/13/10  2:29pm
  
  billwfriend
  why would someone making money dump you? they make income off sessions with everyone they see....sorry that happened...did they explain why?
• Reply #9 12/17/10  11:27pm
  
  inneedosupport
  I missed one session which is extremely unlike me. I was actually studying for my exam to become a certified alcohol and drg counsleor. I was very stresed out about studying and mixed up the date. As soon as I realized I called her and left a message. She never responded or checked on me. I suffer from depression and she didn't even call to make sure I was ok. I could have committed suicide and she would not have known. (I am not suicidal but you have to be very careful with depressed clients). Recently I have been having issues at work with my supervisors so I contact our Employee Assistance Program to find a therapist. They tried calling my therapist to see if she would take me back and she said she couldn't. I'm taking it personally but I opened up so much to her and therapy was going well. I was so I am hurt by this.
• Reply #10 12/18/10  12:09am
  
  billwfriend
  the bitch....she is rude to not take you back...they usually just charge you for the visit and set the next appointment....what a rude person....sorry

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