all right, so maybe this is not as big a thing as it feels to me right now but heres what has been happening in my life recently. so the past three years of my life have been really hard. im 17 now and my mom has bipolar disorder which just showed itself three years ago. since then its been a rollorcoaster of suicidal deppressions and devistating manic episodes. she has had a hard time keeping a job and most of the responsibility at home falls on to me since shes a single mom and im the oldest child. when she broke it was me who had to catch her and make sure my little sister didnt see the fall. and as much as i tryed to fight it sometimes i let her pull me down with her. last summer after her most recent manic episode i was suicidal, but with gods grace i made it through that. but im still not ok. i know now that god would never give me anything to big for me to handle, and thats why suicide is such a sin. because god knows us and he knows we can make it. but thats not the story im trying to tell. anyways, the last month has been tough. ive been given many reasons to see the world as a bad place to be. people have been mean and hurtfull and bad things happen all the time. and thats just the way things are. so one day last week this was the mind set i was in and my mom had just done something that reminded me exactly how alone i really was now. overall i was just feeling depressed and disapointed with life.
so i get home and i grab the mail on the way in as usualle and im flipping through it and i see that we got a letter from the small animal hospital. my dog had just died last week and i assumed it was the bill that we had forgoten to pay on the way out after putting him to sleep. i figure i might as well see the damage now and i opened it.
but it wasnt a bill.
It was a card. with a lily on the front. and inside it was full of perosnal messages from all the vets that had know my dog, saying that we where in there thoughts and prayers. and that he had been a good boy and will be missed.
and i just started crying
i cryed hard and long and i couldnt stop because i felt god there. for the firts time in a long time had he wouldnt let me stay mad at his world. he beautiful world filled with beautiful people who wave fees and send cards when they dont have to

it was such a small thing, when you think of all the things that have happend to me in the past three years, but it was probaly one of the most memerable moments of my life. sometimes i just hurt so much that i forget how good the world is
that there are truely good and blessed people here. and i dont know why but this moment touched me, in a way that i despratly needed to be touched.
thank you, to anyone who read this far..


"i believe in the sun even when its not shining
i believe in love even when im not feeling it
i believe in god even when he is silent"

This is my peace
Laura