Discussion Topic

how do you deal with this

Posted on 09/26/10, 09:19 am
I am new here. I had my fourth mental breakdown last night since finding out July 30 my H had affair and now has a 6 month baby. Its just unbelievable and the pain is horrible. I think my H may not be able to take it anymore either. My break downs are violent and they are starting to scare me. I actually hit him last night in front of my 2 yr old and now I can't stop crying about it. I feel like a rubber band and have no control. I just don't know what to do about all this. One minute I can't live without him and then the next I can't stand the site of him. Last night I made him so angry at me that he almost spilled the beans about why he thinks he did it and when he started telling me I went crazy and couldnt bare it. I want to know so bad but then I can't bare it. I truly think hearing why he did it and what happened will let me move on, but I don't think I will ever get that opportunity after how nuts I went las night. This is the ugliest sin to deal with and I am just not sure how long I take this. He wants to move on and just deal with it but I just can't let go. I am not strong enough for this...why did god give this to me? I hate to say it but I am so scared after reading a lot of posts all night. This really never ever goes away. How many months before you could go a few days without freaking out or is this my new life?
Showing 1 - 10 of 16 Replies
  • Reply #1 09/26/10  9:43pm
    You are not having a mental breakdown, it is your pain and you are going to go thru it, I did, and so have many others. I attacked my husband too, It is so unbelievable that they have allowed themselves to get caught up in situations like this, but it happens, more than I even realize when I found this site. And the woman here, trust me, they understand what you are going thru "Completely" Some woman stay and try and work thru it, others can't and find the strenght to leave. But what you are going thru right now, I understand. It is a horrible pain, but you and your husband need to talk, Even if it makes no sense to you, Listen to him, You deserve the truth no matter how painful it is, Once you know the truth, your raging emotions will subside, You will then calm down a bit and start figuring out you want and how you are going to deal with it. There is No Time Limit, It is just time now for you to take "Control of your Life" God will not put anymore on you then he think you can handle, You are a strong woman, and only the strong survive. And you will. Even in the mist of all the drama our husbands has brought to the marriage. You will find the strength day by day, to move on. But I encourgage you, when you are ready to listen, You deserve and explanation from him. And to know and see he is remoseful and sorry for what's happen. There is no excuse that will ever do for what our husband have done, but I can almost bet, He did not count on this bitch getting pregant either, and she tricked him
  • Reply #2 09/26/10  9:49pm
    Sending strength and support your way. I am still having a hard time dealing with this and honestly I don't think it will ever get better in my situation, at least. You have to focus on you and your child and do what you think is best. I have been there wanting to beat the living crap out of my husband! But I'm sure you know violence will not solve anything and you crying afterward making it harder on you! It is not fair what these men have done and I don't know how remorseful your h is? Are you in counseling? Do you have support around you like family and friends? I know what you mean when you say, why did God deal me these cards? I will never know the truth. I thought this kinda thing doesn't happen and it does. Sad but true. I finally told one of my best friends and she said you are kidding me, one of her daughter's friends went through the same thing!!!! Unbelievable! Anyway, hang in there!!!!
  • Reply #3 09/27/10  12:13pm
    thank you. I want to hear the truth so bad, but I am so scared of it. I am not sure I will get the opportunity again, he is way too scared now. I was shocked but Sunday he again told me he still wants to keep trying. Our fight Saturday was really bad, we said the most horrilbe things to each other. He wants to come to my couseling session this Thursday. We tried one a few weeks ago and it was horrible. He is remorseful but he seems to be way too in control for me sometimes. He is much stronger and can block it out to make sure he doesn't let it effect his job and other things. I am not, I will be lucky if I can hang on to my job. I cry everyday. I made a mistake a few weeks ago, I was freaking out one day and had it made up in my mind that I was leaving and never coming back. I told a few friends of ours good bye and why I was leaving. So now a lot of our friends and family know all about it. Its horrible that they know. I guess the biggest thing I can't deal with is that he still continues to stick by his story. He says he was only with her one time and that they used a condom!!! He says he never ever intended on having sex with her. He says he went to her house to fix her computer. He said he felt bad for her b/c she was an old friend that was going through a divorce. She never told him about being pregnant or about anything until July 30 when a cop served us with papers. Apparently they never spoke after it happened and he was just too scared to tell me. I just dont kow that I will ever come to terms with his story. Its just too unbelievable. She refuses to speak to us and want us to not have anything to do with the baby. How long has it been for you all since it happened? It sounds like you all have stayed. Do you know everything and every detail of their relationship? Did it help to know all details and did it help you all start healing or do you feel just about them same as you did a few weeks after you found out?
  • Reply #4 09/27/10  1:14pm
    You are in the right place for support. All of these women have helped me get through this nightmare. You will go through so many different emotions over the next several years. It's been 2 years since I found out about the affair. Time does heal. I am much better now, but still have "flashbacks" every once in a while. If you choose to stay with your H, you both have to be prepared to give everything you have to make it work. It's not an easy road, but if your H is remorseful and willing to do what ever you need to get through this it can work. Counseling helped us get through this, and gave us the tools we needed to be able to communicate at home without getting into huge arguements. I think there are certain things that you need to know about the affair, but you really don't want to know all of the ugly details of the actual act it's self. Well, at least I didn't want to know. What was most important to me was WHY? and after talking and realizing that we had grown apart and put everything before our marraige, we were able to move forward. One thing that I regret is not telling my friends or family sooner. For over a year I went through this completely alone without anyone to talk to. It's been nice to not have to hide this from people anymore. The people that are your true friends and family will support you and help you get through this. Not saying they're not going to be pissed at your H. He will have to gain the respect and trust back from you and all of your friends and family. On the other hand, if you choose to leave, you have every right to do so. Don't stay if you don't want to and if you can't forgive your H. You were betrayed and you have every right to do what ever is best for you. Take care of yourself first! One important lesson I have learned from my situation is that I come first. If I'm not taking care of myself I can't take care of anything else! God bless you with the strength that you need :)
  • Reply #5 12/26/11  4:36pm
    I am in a very similar situation. My husband left me last year and became involved with a young pregnant woman. The child is not his however he was there through the pregnancy, birth and after. The child was given his last name. So the mother and child left the state and have returned. Now he wants to be in his life I want to support him but do not trust him. I tried this before and he just played me like a fiddle. Now the mother wants my husband in the chimes life but without me. My husband has said he respects me and wont see the child in this manner but wants to continue financially supporting him. He says the mother will give in eventually. I am not sure if I should give my husband my blessing to visit this child knowing how the mother feels and her ulterior motives. I am so confused! Please help!
  • Reply #6 12/26/11  10:13pm
    mommytojack, I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible time. I think that what you're feeling is totally normal. There were so many times over the last year and a half that I felt completely out of control too.

    The rage does eventually subside. I am glad you are in therapy. That's good. And going to therapy with your H is good too -- it sounds like you only went together once so of course it was awful and you felt completely out of control. Don't we all want a witness to our pain? Therapy is a safe place for that even if you do allow yourself to feel the full depth of your pain and rage. He needs to be a man and bear it. There is no moving on until you can purge the bad feelings. He needs to allow you to rage against him.

    Getting through the rage takes a long time -- longer than six months. My climactic moment of rage came this past summer -- at about 15 months. After that I've been much better. More focused and clear. Don't get me wrong, I still have anger and moments of rage but I'm clear headed now in a way I wasn't before. Rage is normal.

    One thing about our culture at large (especially christian culture) is this bullshit idea of forgive and forget. The problem with this ideal is that it victimizes the victim. Every single person in this world who experiences a breach in trust, in faith must go through grief and anger and rage before getting through to the other side. The side where we can accept what happened and move on with our lives.

    Our culture doesn't like the messiness of rage, especially in women. Rage is normal. What you're feeling is normal. It sucks. Totally. But it's normal. You're still at the place where everything is raw. The holidays -- especially the first ones -- are sooo hard, we want to scream at the world to stop being so falsely happy, that we are pretending all is right when it is not. We want to scream at the world to make them feel our pain.

    I'm so sorry that you're feeling this right now. The healing takes so long. I know I expected myself to be so much braver, so much more healed at certain "milestones" than I was. Don't be hard on yourself. We are imperfect beings and I know you are doing the most you can do to be the best that you can. Please take care of yourself, treat yourself nicely. Eventually, slowly, little parts of you will come back. I know it.
  • Reply #7 12/27/11  12:03pm
    @lvngme1st: that's a real unique situation. I don't know all of the details but I am wondering what was the relationship between your H and the OW prior to her leaving out of state. I do think it takes a tremendous amount of strength to even consider what you're trying to do (being respectful of his wishes). I do think you need to consider your own feelings in all of this (and perhaps you have-like I said earlier, I don't know your whole story). It sounds as if you are trying to be understanding towards the H and the child, but you can't do it at the detriment of your own feelings.

    You didn't mention if you two have children, but I wonder why he has such an attachment to this child. Now, as for the OW, I just got mad reading what you said. You and your H should be a united front-you should be the "priority" in terms of the adult relationships involved in this matter and if she wants your H (who isn't even the father of HER baby) to be in this child's life, she really doesn't have room to say that she doesn't want you involved. You're the WIFE and she needs to recognize and respect that.

    I hate the position that all of us here are in, but if I MUST deal with this bs I would wish for the baby to not be his. You are a strong person, because I can't honestly say that I wouldn't have "strongly encouraged" him to cut all ties with woman and child and tell him/her that she needs to go find herself and her child a longterm partner that is currently not married. I am currently waiting on the OW to have her child (due any day now) and my H is going to get a paternity test. I hope everyday for that child to not be his (although I'm prepared mentally for the worst case scenario). I sincerely hope this isn't offensive to you but I think it's a little selfish of your H to even consider this after all of the betrayal he's put you through when he really could leave this situation alone. I only say that because I wish so badly my H could leave the situation alone (if the baby turns out to be his). Like, I said, I don't want to bash your husband at all. I don't have a right to that so forgive me if that's how it comes off. I just know this is a painful situation for you. Sending support your way.
  • Reply #8 01/31/12  1:53pm
    I'm new to posting. I've just been doing a lot of reading over the past few months. But your story reminded me so much of my own, I just had to comment. As we approach the 6 month mark since D-day, I thought and hoped I'd be in a much better place. I still struggle with how much I want to know about the affair. I think I've decided I need to know everything. I don't think it could be any worse than what I make up in my mind. It just always seems to haunt me. I just realized this post was from quite a while ago, did you ever find out all the details? I hope things are going better for you. Our OW is due in a few months and I definitely am holding on to hope that it is not his. I feel like finding out that it is his might put me over the edge.
  • Reply #9 01/31/12  2:43pm
    My husbands whore has a year and a half old bastard child. I'm still upset. We are working on our marriage and I have to know things too. Sometimes you have to try let it go or you drive yourself crazy. I am always comparing myself to the whore but I'm slowly realizing she is just trash and I'm better than her. I am learning to forgive but I can't forget. The whore has also harassed me for a year and a half and I ha e two police reports on her. She seems to perpetuate this for me. Next time she goes to jail. Trust God!
  • Reply #10 01/31/12  2:44pm
    My husbands whore has a year and a half old bastard child. I'm still upset. We are working on our marriage and I have to know things too. Sometimes you have to try let it go or you drive yourself crazy. I am always comparing myself to the whore but I'm slowly realizing she is just trash and I'm better than her. I am learning to forgive but I can't forget. The whore has also harassed me for a year and a half and I ha e two police reports on her. She seems to perpetuate this for me. Next time she goes to jail. Trust God!

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Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.