Discussion Topic

My husband is bisexual and I don't know how to deal with it...

Posted on 12/01/10, 04:33 pm
I don't know where to begin. I am confused and don't know where to turn.
I've been with my husband almost 4 years now. We were just married this past February. Our circumstances are a bit complicated as he is in the military and we have spent long periods of time apart. The longest was while he was in Iraq. He has been cheating on me since day one. With woman and men and his personal favorite transexuals.
We met online and spoke every night for 7 months before meeting face to face in Hawaii...he had asked me to move in with him long before that and I was all for it. I was so in love and thought what we had was beyond special. After our trip, I did in fact drop everything. I left my house, my career and moved in with him...so that we could be together before he deployed. I found out he was bisexual while we were living together.
It happened one day when I saw him chatting online...I noticed the excitement on his face and it made me sick to tell you the truth. When I asked him later who he was talking to he said it was just a friend. A few days after that he left for the field...I couldn't get that image of his face out of my head so I went into his laptop to see for myself. What I found in his chat logs shattered my world. Not only had he reunited, and slept with an ex girlfriend during a layover from our trip, he had been carrying on with his ex-wife, other woman, men and transexuals the entire time he was talking to me and telling me how much he loved me. I of course confronted him about all of this and he told me that there was a period of time when he thought he was bisexual but that it was more experimentation...and now he found what he had been looking for all along with me. Our sex life was amazing. Lustful, passionate, toys, harnesses...we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. And so, I believed him. I was beyond hurt about what he had done, but he kept telling me that it wasn't real for him until we moved in together. Even though I was hurt and upset...I did believed that too.

After he left for Iraq, I felt like my heart went with him. We promised each other the world and talked almost every day while he was there...about how much we loved each other and how we couldn't wait to be back together. I kept asking him if he still wanted someone else, women, men or a combination of both...I kept trying to talk to him about the urges he may have and how I didn't think they just go away. I wanted us to be open and talk about everything for real. But he kept telling me how crazy I was and that he wasn't bi and that he didn't want any of that. He told me how terrible of a thing it was that he did to me and how he would never do anything like that again because he loved me and that guy was gone. I think I believed that because I wanted to. When he returned we had another brief period of time apart where we would see each other every other month. In the meantime he proposed and we eloped and finally started our life together with no more interruptions. When we finally moved back in together...I found a saved text address on his phone and an email that I knew nothing about. I asked him what that was and he lied to me again...giving me a story about his friends house address and an email that he used to send me flowers with. I called the number and found it was a man he had been with. I also pulled up the email and read his mail...months and months of sex dialogue with people he had met from online ads and profiles. All of this took place while we were planning our wedding. And after we had gotten married. Endless chats...and many encounters.

I have no words to say how completely destroyed and broken I am. I have tried to talk to him many times about all of this and his sexuality. But all he has to say is that I am judgmental. That I am negative and live in the past and how I can't let it go. He says he isn't doing anything with anyone right now and I am a bitch who doesn't deserve to know how he thinks or feels. He refuses to talk to me and won't even acknowledge how hurt I am.

My confidence is gone. I feel completely inadequate in every way...emotionally, mentally and sexually. I feel betrayed and broken. There are days when I am so numb, and then there are days where I just cry. I am ashamed of myself for loving someone that has treated me with such disrespect. I have no one I can talk to about this. I feel so alone.
Showing 4 Replies
  • Reply #1 01/11/11  10:37am
    You are not alone and your feelings are shared by many others in realtionships with bisexuals. It's hard enough to make a marriage work when both are heterosexuals but even more difficult when one is bisexual. For some reason bisexuals spouses seem to feel that it is not cheating when they have sex with the same sex. To me it's all the same, it's cheating.

    My husband and I have been dealing with this problem for 6 years now and it has only been this past year when he has not had a relationship with a man. I hope we can make it work but the memories of his being with another person, man or woman, are always in the back of my mind.
  • Reply #2 06/09/12  8:47pm
    I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm reading some of my life through your post. Send me any messages you like if you feel the need to vent, seek support or anything else.
  • Reply #3 06/13/12  6:50pm
    Hi, I could do with some help please!!! I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband had joined a shemale dating site. His profile described himself as a bi curious closet cross dresser looking for someone to help him explore. He has been working away from home for a couple of years and staying away in the week with no internet access however he recently changed jobs but still away but now with a phone with web access. He joined this site 2 days after starting his new job. He put his location in the area he is in in the week. He has been in communication with a shemale in exactly the same area as him. The content of the messages was very sexually explicit. He then suggested meeting up and they arranged a date - tonight infact. He told me yesterday that he was going out with a drink with the lads from work. At the last minute the shemale cancelled the date. He did tell the shemale that it was his first meet but it was something he had wanted to do for years but never had the courage to do. Now the thing with all of this is that back in 2006 I caught him on a cross dressing site communicating with a man. When confronted he said he was in a bad place and it was a form of escapism and it would never happen again. In 2008 I caught him on a gay site chatting happily to a man almost about to meet but I confronted before I found out whether he actually would have met him. Again he was really sorry and he was in a bad place AGAIN!!! Both of these times he had posted pictures of himself. Both of these times before I confronted him I asked him if he had joined any sites - he looked me in the eye and said no. Same this time.

    He has lied so many times and he is always on at me that I don't trust him - can you blame me, he has proved that he doesnt deserve my trust. What do I do? Surely this is not the behaviour of a straight man. I feel broken and defeated, I cant fight this, if it was another woman I could scratch her eyes out!!!! He is home on friday and it is so sad - he hasnt got a clue that I know. What on earth do I do? I dont know how I feel, I have been through disbelief, anger, hurt and sadness. What is really sad is there seems to be so many of us in this position. Any advice will be gratefully received.
  • Reply #4 06/27/12  3:49pm
    Thank you ladies for your replies...it is comforting to know there is someone out there who you can talk to about this type of thing.

    Butterfly, I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I know exactly where you are coming from when you say you feel broken and defeated. I also know what you mean when you say you can't fight this. I mean how can you? I have driven myself crazy with that question... For me, I feel like I can't fight something that is a part of him. He gets really pissed off when I try to talk to him about his desires for men and his love for cocks...he acts all insulted and looks at me like "how dare you say that". And I really don't understand that at all, because I have seen his chat logs where he talks about it openly and honestly with so many others. It turns him on to talk about it with them, yet with me he treats me like I am nothing more than a fling who is prying in his business. My husband is obsessed with transsexuals and also especially excited by cross dressers. I've even found emails of him telling other men how he would wear my clothes for them. That made my stomach turn to the point where I can't look at him the same anymore.

    I have read many rants and raves from significant others who deal with partners that are bisexual, and most of them blame the sexual orientation for the behavior. I think it makes it easier to place blame on an external factor than it is to place blame where blame is due. What I mean, is that the lies, cheating and betrayal has less to do with his sexual orientation than it does with his character. Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with your moral compass or conscience. A person who is able to deliver such a calculated betrayal to the one he says he loves is simply veil. I have come to believe that a lack of loyalty, faithfulness and truth telling is more of a reflection of your principals than it is of your sexuality. A person who is not trustworthy is a person who will never be loyal. Pay attention to patterns, as they are the first sign that history will repeat itself...as it always does.

    I am profoundly saddened to say that my husband is most selfish and self serving person I have ever met and there is nothing I can do about it. I truly believe that people who are in love do not cheat. lie and betray. This is a bitter reality I am recently faced with swallowing.

    Ultimately the dream is to be in love with each other...as being in love is wonderful. But you have to make a decision now...it is more important for you to love, or to be loved. I am in the midst of doing the same.

    "Watch your thoughts, they become words.
    Watch your words, they become actions.
    Watch your actions, they become habits.
    Watch your habits, they become your character.
    Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."


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