Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
I have been talking with another spouse, and she is in the normal grieving stages after a disclosure, and i said i would find a passage about "choosing to stay in a relationship or not" & the importance of "boundaries". But I can't find where i previously posted the info. So i will re-post, as it may help others as well.
"Mending A Shattered Heart" A guide for partners of sex addicts
By Stefanie Carnes Ph.D
Page 51
Question; My husband says he's in recovery, but his behaviours do not always reflect a recovery lifestyle. I continue to hold him accountable, and set boundries with him, and he follows through about 50% of the time. I am fed up. What should I do?
This behaviour is referred to as "riding the fence" or demonstrating behaviours and attitudes that indicate partial recovery. The addict may be trying to convince you that they are working a strong program, when in fact they are not. You may know on some level that the addict is not fully engaged in recovery. As you get stronger, you may become more willing to set boundries and follow through with them, hold him accountable, and be assertive regarding your needs in the relationship.
If you believe that what you are witnessing is true, verify your data. One of the most common motivators for recovery from sex addiction is the potential breakup of a relationship. It's important to realise, that you have more power than you think you do. Sometimes the addict needs to experience "rock bottom", which may be the loss of an important relationship before being willing to embrace recoevry. When addicts are faced with their consequences they often experience the desparation they need to be motivated for recovery. In many instances it comes down to timing. Are you willing to wait until he 'gets it' or hits bottom? Or will you have already moved on? This is a very personal choice and one only you will be able to make.
Should I go or Should I Stay? (By Patrick Carnes PH.D)
Page 53
To live with an addicted loved one is heart wrenching. To live with a sex addict adds profoundly to the pain and confusion, because the very foundation of the relationship and one's life is attacked. Because so much deceit is involved, spouses become distrustful of their own perceptions. They ask how they could not see this problem in the making. They cannot belive anything the addicts say, and this creates unbearable anxiety.
Thus, a spouse can go to extraordinary means to find out the truth, turning life into a malaise of obsession that, at times, exceeds the preoccupation of the addict. They hate who they have become and will do anything to stop the pain. The easiest apparent solution is to leave.
To abandon the relationship at this point, however, is akin to having a broken bone and not setting it. Broken relationships require attention as well. Failure to attend to this self care can be crippling to future relationships. And if there are children invloved, problems are inevitable. Whether you go or stay, it makes no difference. Mending will be required. And as painful as it is, there will be less pain and more effective healing when the fracture is dealt with as soon as possible.
The decision to stay or go calls for the deepest personal wisdom. Wise people seem to be able to suspend their feelings and dark thoughts, even in the midst of crisis, to see clearly their best options. This presense of mind is very much in keeping with 12-step wisdom. In the 12-step program, the key to serenity is having the wisdom of knowing when to act and when not to act. This time proven approach is articulated so well by members of Al-Anon who recommend "Nothing major the first year".
'Mending a Shattered Heart'...A guide for partners of sex addicts By: Stefanie Carnes Ph.d
Pg 69
Do I Have The Right To Set Boundries With The Sex Addict?.........
In the early stages of recovery, its essential that you know you have the following rights in relation to the sex addicts, such as;
*To not tolerate any unwanted sexual advances
*To expect a commitment of recovery defined by actions, such as; 12 step meetings, individual and/or
group therapy
*To set boundries and expect they be respected
*To not accept sexual acting out, such as; no viewing of pornography, no contact with sex partners
*To not be victimised again by the sexual behaviours
*To not be lied to or deceived
In order to implement your boundries, its useful to thoughtfully consider your needs and discuss your ideas beforehand with trusted individuals who understand your situation. If the addicts duplicitious behaviour extended over years, the severity of the violation will be greater, especially if you confronted the addict but your suspicions were repeatedly denied or explained away. If the sexual behaviours you've learned about are a recurrence of other previous indiscretions, then your level of mistrust will be further magnified. If the behaviours is illegal, you may face greater social, legal and financial consequences. It is important to recognise that your partner deceived you and violated your trust and no excuses need minimise this reality.
You may think, He did this because of how he was raised, but these rationalisations, although they may be true, may sidestep you in setting the necessary boundries for yourself and your partner. Making a commitment to developing healthier boundries will help protect you from being victimised by the addiction in the future.
"Mending A Shattered Heart" A guide for partners of sex addicts
By Stefanie Carnes Ph.D
Page 51
Question; My husband says he's in recovery, but his behaviours do not always reflect a recovery lifestyle. I continue to hold him accountable, and set boundries with him, and he follows through about 50% of the time. I am fed up. What should I do?
This behaviour is referred to as "riding the fence" or demonstrating behaviours and attitudes that indicate partial recovery. The addict may be trying to convince you that they are working a strong program, when in fact they are not. You may know on some level that the addict is not fully engaged in recovery. As you get stronger, you may become more willing to set boundries and follow through with them, hold him accountable, and be assertive regarding your needs in the relationship.
If you believe that what you are witnessing is true, verify your data. One of the most common motivators for recovery from sex addiction is the potential breakup of a relationship. It's important to realise, that you have more power than you think you do. Sometimes the addict needs to experience "rock bottom", which may be the loss of an important relationship before being willing to embrace recoevry. When addicts are faced with their consequences they often experience the desparation they need to be motivated for recovery. In many instances it comes down to timing. Are you willing to wait until he 'gets it' or hits bottom? Or will you have already moved on? This is a very personal choice and one only you will be able to make.
Should I go or Should I Stay? (By Patrick Carnes PH.D)
Page 53
To live with an addicted loved one is heart wrenching. To live with a sex addict adds profoundly to the pain and confusion, because the very foundation of the relationship and one's life is attacked. Because so much deceit is involved, spouses become distrustful of their own perceptions. They ask how they could not see this problem in the making. They cannot belive anything the addicts say, and this creates unbearable anxiety.
Thus, a spouse can go to extraordinary means to find out the truth, turning life into a malaise of obsession that, at times, exceeds the preoccupation of the addict. They hate who they have become and will do anything to stop the pain. The easiest apparent solution is to leave.
To abandon the relationship at this point, however, is akin to having a broken bone and not setting it. Broken relationships require attention as well. Failure to attend to this self care can be crippling to future relationships. And if there are children invloved, problems are inevitable. Whether you go or stay, it makes no difference. Mending will be required. And as painful as it is, there will be less pain and more effective healing when the fracture is dealt with as soon as possible.
The decision to stay or go calls for the deepest personal wisdom. Wise people seem to be able to suspend their feelings and dark thoughts, even in the midst of crisis, to see clearly their best options. This presense of mind is very much in keeping with 12-step wisdom. In the 12-step program, the key to serenity is having the wisdom of knowing when to act and when not to act. This time proven approach is articulated so well by members of Al-Anon who recommend "Nothing major the first year".
'Mending a Shattered Heart'...A guide for partners of sex addicts By: Stefanie Carnes Ph.d
Pg 69
Do I Have The Right To Set Boundries With The Sex Addict?.........
In the early stages of recovery, its essential that you know you have the following rights in relation to the sex addicts, such as;
*To not tolerate any unwanted sexual advances
*To expect a commitment of recovery defined by actions, such as; 12 step meetings, individual and/or
group therapy
*To set boundries and expect they be respected
*To not accept sexual acting out, such as; no viewing of pornography, no contact with sex partners
*To not be victimised again by the sexual behaviours
*To not be lied to or deceived
In order to implement your boundries, its useful to thoughtfully consider your needs and discuss your ideas beforehand with trusted individuals who understand your situation. If the addicts duplicitious behaviour extended over years, the severity of the violation will be greater, especially if you confronted the addict but your suspicions were repeatedly denied or explained away. If the sexual behaviours you've learned about are a recurrence of other previous indiscretions, then your level of mistrust will be further magnified. If the behaviours is illegal, you may face greater social, legal and financial consequences. It is important to recognise that your partner deceived you and violated your trust and no excuses need minimise this reality.
You may think, He did this because of how he was raised, but these rationalisations, although they may be true, may sidestep you in setting the necessary boundries for yourself and your partner. Making a commitment to developing healthier boundries will help protect you from being victimised by the addiction in the future.
I agree that it is a boundary that is set at the beginning of a marriage, but with SAs, that gets shot down. Once you know of the addiction, it is your boundaries that can control your reactions to it. I can only speak for my marriage, but once I found out about my H's addiction, I set up a boundary for me to let him know it was unacceptable behavior. I threw him out, and he has only recently moved home. My boundary is still set for me though. I cannot control whether he lies to me, but I can control what I do if he does. If he goes back to his behaviour, without being honest if he slips, then our marriage will not survive. I think the hardest part of a boundary is that it has to be enforced if it gets violated.
I am currently reading 'Boundaries in Marriage.' It is an excellent book when it comes to how boundaries can be properly used in a marriage.
I also agree in Trina's post that rationalizing can be bad. While I knew that my H's upbringing resulted in his behavior, HE chose to do what he did, and letting myself convince myself otherwise would have been detrimental to us both in the end.
I am proud to say I have started a 12 step program and my H agreed to as well. These are huge steps, a long time coming. I only recently set boundaries (after 3 years of it); I think because I was in denial and also duped by my H for the first year and a half and never fully understood he was an addict.
Dp: I get your frustration there. As well as I think I understand my H's nuances when he lies, I know he has and the likelihood of his doing so again, because he is not fully committed to recovery, is great. All I can say to your question as to why a boundary of No Lying would possibly be useful, is that the purpose of boundaries can only be to establish a guide to progress, without promising it. It is a big risk, yes, but you can assure yourself at least, and hopefully your partner SA, that there is no questioning the needs for a healthy relationship. I set boundaries in the past without fully understanding what to do if they were violated. I still don't understand that part completely and I believe it is simply a very personal decision as to what consequences would be. Maybe you can start with something more specific than No Lying, such as No Watching Porn or even more specific as a starting point: No Watching Porn At Work.
This brings me to a couple of questions as well: 1. Any advice from members, or from this book, Trina on what consequences would be to broken boundaries? And 2. Should boundaries be set a little at a time (both in the sense of degree and number of)?
i agree we can set boundaries about how we behave or what we will do if we ever see or find out we have been victimized again but the idea that we can keep ourselves from being victimized in the future by the addiction or the addict is contrary to the main idea of 12 step groups that we are powerless over it.....the only real way to keep from being victimized is to get rid of the SA...by keeping them we actually have accepted that they will probably lie to us, deceive us, actout and victimize us again...
I do see where some boundaries are really important right away. If your partner is having sex with others, then you are in the position of needing to protect your physical health, especially if they are sexually active with same sex....gays. I think that there is a strong indication for dire health consequences for that activity. AIDS, syphilis, lots of vd. Then sexual activity with that mate could be very dangerous to your physical health, not only your emotional health. Their activities may well be endangering your life. So, there is strong need for immediate boundaries, and sexual disease testing over a period of at least six months.
In addition, if the mate is either viewing or engaging in sexual type activities with a minor, they are breaking federal law, and may well go to prison for that activity. And, if you know about it, you may well be involved. There come another important boundary to establish. What is my legal obligation in a situation like that?
As far as other activities, well, without trust, what boundary is affective? Maybe Trina can explain that better? I don't get it either. Some examples might help.
After finding out about his PA and the depths to whcih his lying went, I knew I could not live with someone who would lie to me like that. I asked him to leave, explained that behavior was not acceptable to me and left it at that. he chose to go therapy and meetings. Our trust was shattered. For me, i am working everyday to find that trust again, because I know if I want our marriage to work, someday I am just going to have to believe he is being honest with me. For now, that takes work, with smaller boundaries, and behavior that can be monitored. At some point though, for myself, I know I am going to have to make the decision to believe he is a different man and will not lie like he was before. while it was not with a PA, his lying before this involved major things, and I never really stood my ground, and we never really pursued it past the initial argument(or one or two discussions after that). I just let it go, and neither of us pursued it. I learned from that mistake, and am standing my ground and we are communicating regularly about what I need to reestablish trust, and to me, that is what I need to do, so I do not spend my entire marriage waiting for the next shoe to drop.