Thought these things were interesting. Really to the point. Tell me what you think please.


www.codeps.com

If the sex addict tells you to forget about what happened or get over it, remind them it is their actions that caused this pain in the first place, and they will have to live with the impact their actions caused as long as it takes for you to heal.
Now, there is a difference between healing and hanging on. If years go by (or depending on the person, months) and you feel no progress, you honestly need to rethink staying in the relationship. Because even if the sex addict is in a sober recovery and you cannot make any progress because of the betrayal of trust, it most likely means you will never regain that trust no matter how hard you try. And in a case like that, it's better for all parties if you just end it.
It also means that if you are still angrily screaming the exact same things at your sex addict long months or years from now (again, the time frame will vary from individual to individual â only YOU know your own situation) then maybe you are stuck and again, need to re-evaluate staying in the relationship.
When it hurts more to stay than it does to leave, it's time to face reality and go. A sex addict might get and stay sober and you still can't trust them. Again, this varies from person to person and differs depending on circumstances.
Do not rush your healing and recovery process. Likewise, learn to be honest with yourself and admit when you know you are at a standstill and something different must happen.

A NORMAL man wants an intimate, sexual relationship ONLY with his partner. He fantasizes ONLY about his partner and himself in situations, but he does NOT need the fantasies to be intimate. A normal man values the emotional relationship with his partner as much or more than the physical one. A normal man respects his partner's wishes, and works WITH his partner to find what is comfortable for both parties without making either uncomfortable. A normal man doesn't try to shame or blame his partner for shortcomings. A normal man doesn't say things like, âYou're just a prude,â or, âWhat's wrong with you â everyone does it.â

No, everyone does NOT do it. And if you hear that sentence come out of the SA's mouth, then you know exactly what you're dealing with.

This is why recovery is SO important â for the codep partner. Because whether or not the SA gets and stays sober is irrelevant if the partner is still holding onto all the negative behavior patterns from their past.

An unrecovering SA will feed on a partner's lack of self-esteem. They count on it â they use it as leverage to get what they want, or to at least get themselves out of trouble with the partner.

And the codep must get into a healthy recovery because there ARE healthy partners out there â most people are NOT like the SA in your life. And by getting into your own healthy recovery, you will learn how not to repeat the mistakes in your life, you will learn what is ânormalâ and how to not accept anything less than the healthy, happy relationship you deserve. You will learn how to avoid predators and addictive personalities (who naturally gravitate to codeps). You will learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries that will protect you.

We are used to dealing with words. We speak what we mean. We say our hearts. An SA who isn't recovering isn't interested in speaking their true heart, because we'd run. It would interfere with the addictive reality they've constructed; they'd lose the person who takes care of the âreal worldâ issues while they act out.

We want to believe an SA when they tell us they are in recovery, that they are sorry for their actions. It all boils back down to the basic premise: you can only trust actions, not words. An SA can cry and beg and plead all they want, tugging on your heart strings. But when they turn around and repeat their actions, they are anything but trying for a sober recovery

Recovery is about freedom, about learning how to start your garden over from bare dirt, about amending the soil and eradicating the weeds. No matter what anyone has ever told you, NO ONE is allowed in your garden. No other person can come inside. They might hang on the fence and make demands and bark orders, but you ARE allowed to build the fence higher and of a material that blocks them out!

Lifeguards learn safe ways to rescue drowning swimmers, knowing the risk a panicked person can pose to themself and to a rescuer. Sometimes, it's better to throw a lifeline to the addict and let them choose whether or not to grab it rather than jumping into the water and having them pull you down with them.


Also, because their SA is less severe, or seems to make progress quickly, when partners of this type of SA do make it here, they frequently don't stay long because reading others' problems is often "too painful" for them, or keeps them in a "negative mindset" because their SA isn't "that bad." Nothing wrong with that, just a fact. This is also the least-common SA.

These SAs might be badgered into recovery by their partner, or they might be scared into recovery by a brush with the law or the possibility of public exposure or losing their job. But the "love of a good person" usually isn't enough to get there. When they do hit bottom, they hit HARD. But sometimes they simply bounce -- either to another job, another partner, or probation (which lets them lie to themself that they really didn't do anything "wrong").


(Narcissistic/Borderline Personality Disorder) This demographic has basically NO chance of recovery. We tend to see quite a few partners here with this kind of sex addict in their life. Because the addict usually thinks there's nothing wrong with them, it's the partner's/world's fault they have problems. Not THEIR fault! Why is that? Because instead of the SA being the problem, it's only a SYMPTOM of the problem

The codep must learn how to live with the new reality of addiction in their life, the fact that the partner could slip at any time, and how they plan to deal with those eventualities. There is no "sure recovery" for an addict. They will spend their life staying sober and learning how live and act in a healthy way.


But the codep also will have to learn how to let the past be. It will be natural and normal at first for the codep to use emotional, angry outbursts to punish the addict for causing their pain, to throw the past in the addict's face. This is a consequence the addict will have to learn how to live with. However, you cannot live this way forever. The codep will have to move past this stage or the relationship cannot heal. You cannot spend your life punishing the addict for their actions. If you find you cannot move past this point, then you realistically need to look at ending the relationship because it is only harming both of you; the codep is being constantly retraumatized by reliving the past hurts, and the addict is constantly shamed by their past actions even if they are currently remaining sober and in recovery.


While the addict is "sick" in one sense of the word, it does not eliminate personal accountability. The addict will need to learn how to be accountable to their partner for their actions in the relationship. This is different from having a sponsor (if working a 12-step program). An addict should never make their partner their sponsor -- this is placing too much strain on the partner. The addict would be, in essence, expecting the codep to not only go through their own suffering and recovery, but to help the addict in their recovery.

Confrontation is no longer effective when you have to do it more than three times. If an SA isn't into a serious, sober recovery by that point, it's a waste of your time, energy, and emotions to continue confronting them. And in the case of an NPD SA, it will feed into their narcissistic plays and give them the attention and control they crave.

The bottom line is, do not be swayed or allow your confidence to dip. You know what you know. You found proof. If the sex addict starts making excuses, chances are they are lying to you and you need to disengage from the situation immediately. Do not accept any answer from them other than the truth. Don't apologize to the SA for the confrontation -- they brought this onto themself. This is NOT your fault! You wouldn't apologize to a toddler for punishing them for doing something you told them not to do.

One thing is for sure, if you have a sex addict in your life who cries oceans of croccodile tears and begs for you to stay, promising they'll do ANYTHING to keep you in their life, but they refuse a polygraph, run. That means they know there are issues that will be discovered they don't want you to know about. If they try to turn it around on you and say, "You have to trust me," that usually means, "I did something I really don't want you to know about." Any time a sex addict tries to turn it around on you, remind them that it was THEIR actions that brought the two of you to this point in the first place, and that they no longer get to make "the rules" in regards to trust and the relationship. They abandoned that right when they acted out. Any addict who is truly devoted to working a recovery and saving a relationship will jump at another chance to prove they are in a true recovery.

Like alcoholics and drug addicts, sexual addicts are never "recovered." They will spend the rest of their lives as a "recovering" addict. Because failing to admit they are an addict and think they can be cured, they are setting up for a relapse. Addicts must learn healthy ways to deal with everyday life and relationships without resorting to the acting out behaviors they used prior to seeking a recovery path.