Something I read from Rick Reynolds. He's a counselor dealing with marriage, particularly where infidelity is a problem. I think this is interesting, although at times, I wanna throw something at him...HA!

The Problem with Pain
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I went to an end of the year bash with a bunch of friends during my junior year in high school. We had a great time grilling burgers and listening to music. But two of my friends wanted a bit more excitement and decided to put a cup of ice down my pants. I, on the other hand, wasnât interested in this type of fun and the chase began.

I was for sure faster, but being lazy, I didnât want to expend too much energy. Therefore, I made the brilliant decision to climb a tree as a way of escape. I miscalculated the speed with which I could get beyond their reach and they caught my leg. Needless to say, it was only a matter of time until they (along with the help of gravity) pulled me down, pinned me, and dumped ice down my pants.

Now that was really cold and I wanted to get it out ASAP. Only this was a church party and it didnât seem appropriate to drop trou in front of everyone, so I made a mad dash for the house. As I said, I run fast (I was on the track team) and when I hit that sliding glass door it exploded.

I was so clueless about what was happening that when I heard the sound of breaking glass I thought someone had dropped a glass in the kitchen. A moment later, when I found myself on the floor sitting in a pile of glass, I began to connect the dots. I had severe cuts on both arms and was rushed to the hospital. There I discovered that I had severed the tendons to my fingers on both hands, requiring surgery for the repair work.

As you might imagine, it was pretty bad having both arms and hands immobilized in casts. I couldnât dress, bathe, or feed myself, but that wasnât the worst part. Initially, I had no choice, all I could do was let others do things for me. The hard part came when the casts were removed and I was sent to physical therapy. Now I did have a choice and I didnât want to participate.

I could either do the painful exercises necessary to regain a range of motion for my hands and fingers or I could avoid the pain by not moving my fingers, which left me with the same quality of life I endured while wearing the casts. The only path available to regain the use of my hands was through the pain.

Stage one of pain is involuntary. It comes as the result of something that happens to us, but in time the initial pain fades. Enter stage two of pain. Stage two is where personal choice is exercised. How we respond reveals a great deal about us in that moment.

We can:

Try to avoid the pain
Try to numb the pain
Try to transmit the pain to someone else
Ignore the pain
Work through the pain
Let the pain control us
Accept the pain
Our problem isnât the pain; the problem lies in our heart's attitude toward the pain. Whether we like it or not, life is filled with pain generating circumstances and at times we have to decide how to respond. If I believe pain is bad and something to be avoided, then Iâll have problems facing life. If I accept pain as a natural part of life and donât live in fear of pain, then Iâll be free to face my situation and choose what will brings life.

Obviously, the pain created by infidelity is one of lifeâs worst. As we say, âinfidelity is a pain like no otherâ. In the initial stage the pain is just there and thereâs little you can do. Itâs just there and it overwhelms you. As you deal with that pain you will either act it out by trying to numb it through alcohol or drugs, you might try to transmit it to the person who hurt you (that one doesnât work very well), you might try to ignore it and pretend itâs not there (but it is and if you suppress it, then it tends to come out about 5 years later), or youâll try to avoid it (but if youâve already been hurt, thereâs no way to avoid whatâs already happened). An alternate choice is to walk through the pain by accepting it, grieving it, and allowing it to be transformed.

Personally, I think the final solution is by far the best, but thatâs just the first step. The second stage is where our CHOICE becomes a part of the equation. Once the initial pain begins to subside, we have to decide how to proceed. (This is where my physical therapy began).

To recover you have to choose to take the relational risk to re-engage. You have to be willing to take the risk of hurting again. You need to be willing to let yourself have a life. If you donât, your life will be forever trapped and controlled by the betrayal.

Iâm not suggesting you place yourself at risk by re-engaging with someone whoâs not safe. If the other personâs heart isnât soft and if theyâre not doing whatâs necessary to heal the relationship, or if theyâre not taking responsibility for what theyâve done, then they may not be safe. But, if youâve got someone who is trying to love and does âget itâ and is trying to be safe, there comes a point when youâve got to decide whether you want to live again or keep your heart cold in a coma, trying to avoid the pain.

As C.S. Lewis wrote:

âLove anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love, is hell."

Donât let your circumstances condemn you to hell. There is a way of escape. You just have to grieve that pain to get there. In the long run, itâs more than worth it. Youâll trade darkness for light and ugliness for beauty. Give your soul a chance to be stirred by beauty and love.