Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
I found this information offered by Rick Reynolds at Harboring Hope very helpful.
This is taken from Harboring Hope, Rick Reynolds LCSW
Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. Itâs a personal matter between you and
God, one that allows you to release yourself from desire for retribution and to free
yourself to love again. The greatest example of this form of forgiveness is Jesus on the cross when he said, âFather, forgive them, they donât know what theyâre doing.â This type of forgiveness says, âThey just donât get it, so please donât give them what they deserve.â Vertical forgiveness sets me free from the hurtful actions of others and allows me to move on with dignity and confidence. It is not condoning the unloving acts of others; on the contrary, itâs choosing to act in my own personal best interest. Sad to say, this wasnât my approach growing up. I was much more into vengeance. If anyone hurt me, I wanted to make sure theyâd never consider messing with me again. All I wanted to do was punish, failing to understanding that the only person being hurt was myself. It took years for me to learn that forgiveness was for my benefit, not anyone elseâs.
Horizontal forgiveness, on the other hand, is about reconciliation, but not just about reconciliation. You can certainly forgive another person for your own benefit without reconciling with them. Therefore, forgiveness involving reconciliation needs to be based on safety. Why put yourself at risk if the other person does not take responsibility for whatâs happened and is not committed to stop the hurtful behaviors? On the other hand, if person who hurt or betrayed you does take responsibility and is making every effort to be safe for you, then why not consider reconciliation?
The part about horizontal forgiveness really helped me understand my struggle with forgiveness. It cleared up some thinking for me and is info I feel I need to remember.....often. What I mean is he said, "Why put yourself at risk if the other person does not take responsibility for whatâs happened and is not committed to stop the hurtful behaviors?"
That was my XH...not willing to change. He taught me some really bad traits by being unwilling to do right. Rage for one. My current H seems to be able to want to change and has yet to fail....so I need to learn to see him differently and try more to forgive. It is a risk, but not like my XH...I have to remember he is not like him. That is hard for me to do because of the great hurt inflicted repetitively. I've asked God to help me, but I know I have to be willing to let him.
Hope this helps.
This is taken from Harboring Hope, Rick Reynolds LCSW
Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. Itâs a personal matter between you and
God, one that allows you to release yourself from desire for retribution and to free
yourself to love again. The greatest example of this form of forgiveness is Jesus on the cross when he said, âFather, forgive them, they donât know what theyâre doing.â This type of forgiveness says, âThey just donât get it, so please donât give them what they deserve.â Vertical forgiveness sets me free from the hurtful actions of others and allows me to move on with dignity and confidence. It is not condoning the unloving acts of others; on the contrary, itâs choosing to act in my own personal best interest. Sad to say, this wasnât my approach growing up. I was much more into vengeance. If anyone hurt me, I wanted to make sure theyâd never consider messing with me again. All I wanted to do was punish, failing to understanding that the only person being hurt was myself. It took years for me to learn that forgiveness was for my benefit, not anyone elseâs.
Horizontal forgiveness, on the other hand, is about reconciliation, but not just about reconciliation. You can certainly forgive another person for your own benefit without reconciling with them. Therefore, forgiveness involving reconciliation needs to be based on safety. Why put yourself at risk if the other person does not take responsibility for whatâs happened and is not committed to stop the hurtful behaviors? On the other hand, if person who hurt or betrayed you does take responsibility and is making every effort to be safe for you, then why not consider reconciliation?
The part about horizontal forgiveness really helped me understand my struggle with forgiveness. It cleared up some thinking for me and is info I feel I need to remember.....often. What I mean is he said, "Why put yourself at risk if the other person does not take responsibility for whatâs happened and is not committed to stop the hurtful behaviors?"
That was my XH...not willing to change. He taught me some really bad traits by being unwilling to do right. Rage for one. My current H seems to be able to want to change and has yet to fail....so I need to learn to see him differently and try more to forgive. It is a risk, but not like my XH...I have to remember he is not like him. That is hard for me to do because of the great hurt inflicted repetitively. I've asked God to help me, but I know I have to be willing to let him.
Hope this helps.
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