Taken from "Infidelity" a bood edited by Paul R. Peluso

Sex = physical, erotic contact toward completion of orgasm. Does not require intimacy.

Intimacy = Emotional connection, sharing personal thoughts, expressing private feelings, and acting in care of one another's welfare.

Infidelity: Any action perceived and/or experienced as a hurtful betrayal of trust or a threat to a relationshi, it is any action that undermines the stability of a couple's attachment bond.

Infidelity shatters relational beliefs and indiviual and couple identity is called into question. Violation leads to feelings of vulnerability, loss of identity, self-respect, sense of purpose and internalworking models are dramatically affected and altered. Violation of trust shatters secure attachment. Distress is maintained as the new internal working model. An attachment njury is similar to a traumatic flashback. As a result of infidelity or attachment injury the injured partner may be absorbed by anger, grief and fear of attachment. Where everything leads into these emotions and there seems to be no way out, their partner can never be trusted again. Pain, shock, fury and obsession are the norm. One experiences fear of intimacy, of abandonment, of conflict, of pain, and of powerlessness. Anger and obssession preclude all future opportunities.

Therapy becomes aimed not at the status of the marriage, but on the integrity that the individuals involved bring into their lives.

Cyber Addictions: His use of the computer must change. The goal is eliminating secrecy. Boundaries need to be set to that end. He must seek therapy for his addiction. The wife can be helped with her obsessive review by assigning regularly scheduled times for this review and decreasing review sessions as indicated. This obsession is part of her healing process. She can also manage her anger with standard ways as journaling, the unmailed letter, exercising, meditation, relaxation techniques and enjoyable activities. The addict can write a love letter to his wife. She can read the letter when doubts arise and for some this prevents escalating emotions. Talk time for her to ask questions can be set on a regular time schedule. Clients can learn to identify the 10 cognitive distortions and how to challenge them.

There's lots more in this book.. It's the Practitioner's Guide to Working with Couples in Crisis. Yeah, what a crisis. Good reading...for me anyway. If it can be learned, give me the book and I'll learn it.