Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouseâs lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. Iâm in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a coupleâs control that can negatively impact a marriage). But Iâm opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlementâthat they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love.
In this Q&A column, Iâll feature a letter I received from a spouse who was told to love unconditionally. Her husband has failed to meet her emotional needs, and is unwilling to do anything about it. Next week, Iâll feature a letter from a wife whose husband has been physically and emotionally abusive. Both of these women want to know when enough is enough. When should they call it quits?
On the subject of neglect, Iâve chosen to feature a marriage that isnât all that bad from most peopleâs perspective, but isnât good either. L.R.âs husband hasnât abandoned her physically, leaving her to fend for herself. Instead, heâs only abandoned her emotionally. They probably even have a friendship of sorts. Itâs cases like these that leave a wife struggling to know what to do.
As it turns out, most of these women divorce their husbands. In fact, research Iâve personally conducted in the archives of government statistics on the causes of divorce lead me to believe that as many as 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect. Women like L.R. suddenly call it quits with little warning, leaving her husband, family and friends scratching their heads wondering whatâs wrong with her.
Intersting from our point of view to me.
In this Q&A column, Iâll feature a letter I received from a spouse who was told to love unconditionally. Her husband has failed to meet her emotional needs, and is unwilling to do anything about it. Next week, Iâll feature a letter from a wife whose husband has been physically and emotionally abusive. Both of these women want to know when enough is enough. When should they call it quits?
On the subject of neglect, Iâve chosen to feature a marriage that isnât all that bad from most peopleâs perspective, but isnât good either. L.R.âs husband hasnât abandoned her physically, leaving her to fend for herself. Instead, heâs only abandoned her emotionally. They probably even have a friendship of sorts. Itâs cases like these that leave a wife struggling to know what to do.
As it turns out, most of these women divorce their husbands. In fact, research Iâve personally conducted in the archives of government statistics on the causes of divorce lead me to believe that as many as 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect. Women like L.R. suddenly call it quits with little warning, leaving her husband, family and friends scratching their heads wondering whatâs wrong with her.
Intersting from our point of view to me.
Reading the Love Dare, I found something interesting about Unconditional Love. We fall in love with looks, personality traits, generosity, helpfulness, etc. As we move out of that honeymoon stage, and real life affects us, we need to rely on the unconditional love, rather than the "friendship" and "sexual" love that are always changing with our routines.
I think the unconditional love is why we are still together, trying to work together to understand and beat the problems. I do understand that you can love AT someone without that someone returning it, and sometimes there is a need to move on.
I think that God only, may, offer unconditional love. But, even He sets a boundary for that. Does He love Satan or the 1/3 of evil angels that chose his path? Does he offer him, or them, unconditional love? I don't think so. The Bible says not. Why? Because Satan has no love for God and has no desire to change that. I think that there is a limit to that arrogance even God imposes.
I think that we may love, want to support, offer forgiveness, work at a relationship. But, when no love is returned, as in that relationship between God and Satan, then there is a boundary set. I think that is what this Phd psych is saying. If you're freely giving love, and not getting it in return in any meaningful way, what is the point? Where are you going? The offender isn't learning a single thing, because they aren't loving, and they're not trying, they're absorbing only what you give and using it for their self-satisfaction.
So, where is the line? I don't know. but, I do know it's there. How do we know when they are trying? Gets real cloudy there. Hence, the problem we have? Jesus was willing to still have some faith in human kind and give them a chance to recover themselves...to learn. But, God wasn't willing to give Satan a chance for redemption. So, where's the line? Still looking. It's a hard call for me. When is someone worth the effort to forgive, abosorb the pain, treat it as an error, and move forward, when they are showing clear signs of progress, when they are just confused, when? Not a hard call for God, because he knows their heart. We don't.
We only see the manifestation of their care, or lack of it, by what they do. That's also how they intuit our love and care, by what we do. If we claimed to love, and then offered hurt instead, what would they know? Reminds me of the parable of the tree. If you watch a tree and see it's fruit, you know what the tree is. If you watch a person, their behavior, their fruit, do you know who the person is?
I work on that a lot. Still not clear.